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OCTOGENARIAN: Those Damn Kids: June 2008 Archives

June 2008 Archives

Mrs. Aldrich gets a wash and set on the third Monday of every month. She leaves the house at 10:00 a.m.

At 10:01am, I get out my special gun.  Not my rifle that I have around for everyday use, but my CZ27 semiautomatic pistol with silencer.  This is a beautiful, beautiful piece of hardware that I picked up in a gun show about 20 years ago.  It's Czech made, 7.65 mm and was used mostly by West German secret intelligence.

I have a little window bench that looks out over my front lawn and I like to sit there with my gun and watch... and wait.

Come on... Come on little Snotty Scotty, little Potty Patty - just take one step on my lawn.  Every day they think they're getting the best of an old man by rubbing doggy doo-doo or gum into my lawn.  Little do they know that I'll get the best of them because of what I've got between my fingers.

I am just itching... come a little closer.

During the Civil War, there was a battle phrase, 'Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes.'  In East Lancing, I have my own battle phrase, 'Don't fire until you see the brown of their shit.'  And on the third Monday of every month, I pray to God to see that shit.  Just once.

THOSE DAMN KIDS think they're so smart.  Research has shown a person is less smart when they're dead.

Then it happened.  Enemy approaching at nine o'clock.

Well, hello there, Timmy Titring, what have you got there?  A candy bar?  Mmm... Hersheys.  What are you doing with the wrapper there, Timmy?  Are you going to throw it down on the ground... perhaps on my lawn, jerk?

With no time to lose, I raised my CZ27 semiautomatic pistol with silencer, I took deadly aim and...

Goddamnit!  Mrs. Aldrich pulled into the driveway.  My prey easily bounded away, leaving a trail of candy wrappers and dogshit.

Now I had to move fast.  I only had thirty seconds to return the CZ27 to the security closet before Mrs. Aldrich breezed in looking like Martha Raye.

I'll talk at you next week...

lester aldrich_small.jpg

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem.  Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

About Lester Aldrich

Lester Aldrich - Those Damn Kids - Manka Bros. - Octogenarian

Lester Aldrich is a World War 2 and Korean War veteran. He has been a contributing writer for Manka Bros.' Octogenarian Mankazine since he turned 80 (eight years ago). He lives in East Lansing, Michigan with his wife of 65 years and really hates THOSE DAMN KIDS.

 

 

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