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I'm a patriotic man... - OCTOGENARIAN: Those Damn Kids

I'm a patriotic man...

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... I'm so Goddamned patriotic that I literally shit red, white and blue. I told you recently what the red was, I'm afraid to know what the white is and I think the blue is just grape juice.

Stop cringing, my column today is not about the colors of my crap, it's about THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Holidays bring out the worst in those little punks.  Every year I put Old Glory out in front of my house and every year those little pricks piss on it. Not with their urine but with their disrespect.

One year, Mrs. Aldrich and I were having a barbecue out on our back lawn. Reverend Miles was there with his oriental wife, along with a couple buddies of mine from the VFW and a few other neighbors whose names I forget. We were all having a fine time talking about America.  But those little peanut butter covered assholes got it in their chicken brains to start shooting off roman candles.

Well, goddamn it, if Mrs. Aldrich didn't get hit in the side of the head with one of those blue and orange fireballs.  It knocked her clean across the lawn and set her hair on fire.  I chased those little bastards all over the neighborhood until my heart couldn't stand it anymore.

They got away that time.  But I'll get them in the end.  I don't care if they discover Jesus Christ Our Lord and repent for everything they've ever done to ruin innocent lives, I will still find them and murder them.

July 4th is about honoring those who stood in the line of fire so that future generations could live in freedom, safe from tyranny and oppression.

This 4th of July, I honor Mrs. Aldrich, who stood in the line of fire against those goo covered little pissants who are hell-bent on ruining my last remaining years on this Earth.

Happy July 4th, America.

I'll talk at you next week...

lester aldrich_small.jpg

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

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3 Comments said:

I took a roman candle to the head before too. I haven't been right since.

cs buck said:

You write just like I feel, Lester. Good to know you.

dsquared said:

someone needs to smack you in the face

About Lester Aldrich

Lester Aldrich - Those Damn Kids - Manka Bros. - Octogenarian

Lester Aldrich is a World War 2 and Korean War veteran. He has been a contributing writer for Manka Bros.' Octogenarian Mankazine since he turned 80 (eight years ago). He lives in East Lansing, Michigan with his wife of 65 years and really hates THOSE DAMN KIDS.



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