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OCTOGENARIAN: Those Damn Kids: August 2008 Archives

August 2008 Archives

... so I shut her in her room with a handful of bouillon and called Dick Shepherd. He took a taxi over from the rest home and we watched some television. He only has half a tongue so I offered him half a beer.

As we all know, the Olympics are on.  And I hate the Olympics.  Without the Soviets, it's like watching an Andy Hardy movie. They knew how to train athletes.  Fourteen hour days, seven days a week, thousands of miles from home - all before your tenth birthday.  And when that powerful Soviet National Anthem came up, you knew your ass was beat badly.  And they would sneer and stick out their chest.  Soviet athletes were men - even the women.

So Shep wants to watch the Olympics.  Okay, fine.  The black golfer's is hurt and not on, so fine.  We'll watch it. The first thing that came on my television was the most pitiful fucking thing I've ever seen.  And I'm not talking about female weightlifting.  No, no... I like female weightlifting.  If more women could lift heavy things like that we wouldn't be in the middle of this damn energy crisis.

mens_synchronized diving.jpgWhat I'm talking about is...

...MEN'S SYNCHRONIZED DIVING.

When is see things like that I often think of war and wonder if this was what we were fighting for.  Shep made some stupid remark about their little swimtrunks calling it a "Battle of the Bulge" - Shep's gonna die soon, so I laughed at his joke.

I thought about an ice storm in December of 1943 where the ice would hit you like a dart in the face.  And I thought that if Tony South Shore would have waited for me and Eddie Dykstra to synchronize our dives into the Rhine to save his ass, he would have been sucking German mud before we did our first toe touch.

Look at those freaks.  They stand there on the diving board in their little trunks with their hair combed.  Then they dive, wait for their score and then sit in a Jacuzzi hot tub waiting to do it again.  You know what we got to sit in once we finished shooting Germans?  Our own filth.  You know what Old Shep's sitting in while watching Men's Synchronized Diving?  His own filth.  Where's the sport in that?

Men don't need to dive the same way at the same time.  If they did, it would have been in the Bible.

I'll talk at you next week....

lester aldrich_small.jpg

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

I Hate The Olympics

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michael_phelps.jpgThe Olympics are stupid.  Who cares who can run faster or throw a lead ball further?  I could care less. 

In WWII it didn't matter who could shoot better or who was the better, more dedicated soldier, we won that war because we had bigger bombs.

The Chinese have shown how to make Communism work.  By spending and making money.  Get ready for an invasion in a few years.  On TV, we see all the fancy buildings that they built.  What we didn't see is all the fancy bombs and military hardware that they built during the same time.  The building boom in China is a just a facade as they prepare to invade the world.  I'll be dead but THOSE DAMN KIDS are going to have to fight them.  Sorry, Snotty Scotty, it's bamboo shoots up your finger nails.  That's what you get for trampling Mrs. Aldrich's daisies.

On TV, they just showed some lady swimmer from the East Lansing area that won some stupid medal.  So what?!  The only profession you can have from swimming is to be a swimming teacher. 

Why don't they show The Green Berets on TV instead?  That's more inspirational than some idiot swimming back and forth in a pool.

Don't THOSE DAMN KIDS know what is ahead of them in life.  A miserable job with a miserable boss, you'll watch a lot of TV and eventually have a bag attached to you so you can take a shit.  That's your future, kiddies!

So stop all that running!

Stop all that laughing!

Stop all that crying!

Stop trying and start drinking!

I'll talk at you next week....

lester aldrich_small.jpg

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

About Lester Aldrich

Lester Aldrich - Those Damn Kids - Manka Bros. - Octogenarian

Lester Aldrich is a World War 2 and Korean War veteran. He has been a contributing writer for Manka Bros.' Octogenarian Mankazine since he turned 80 (eight years ago). He lives in East Lansing, Michigan with his wife of 65 years and really hates THOSE DAMN KIDS.

 

 

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