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OCTOGENARIAN: Those Damn Kids: January 2009 Archives

January 2009 Archives

stuck_bird.jpgA bird got caught in Mrs. Aldrich's hair yesterday.  It's been unseasonably warm here in Michigan and these dumb ass birds think it's April.  She didn't really notice the bird until Snotty Scotty (DAMN KID #1 IN MY BOOK) from across the street tried to knock it out of her hair with a rock.  Thank the Lord he missed.

Once she knew the bird was in there, it became a standard procedure for her.  See, this is not the first time something like this has happened.

Ever since they invented Aqua Net, she's gotten all kinds of stuff stuck in her hair - leaves, sticks, gum, all kinds of food - it's like her hair is made out of Kevlar.  I could probably fire my gun at her hair and the bullet would stick in there like a bulletproof vest.

The standard procedure for getting a bird out her wash and set is to first let the little thing beat its wings awhile until it gets tired.  Then I get a bucket and put some grass in it.  She has this lotion that softens up that Goddamned helmet of hair a bit that makes it easier to navigate through.

If the bird is still alive at this point, its legs start to get a little looser.  That's when that thing really starts to panic. Mrs. Aldrich bends her head over the bucket and gently dumps the bird from her hair onto the grass.  The bird always manages to take a little of Mrs. Aldrich's hair with it (and sometimes a little of Mrs. Aldrich's scalp).  I then cover the bucket with a big pot lid.

After a few minutes, when the bird has calmed down, we check it for injuries.  If all is okay, we take it out back and let it fly up into the trees.  For a while there I thought about tagging them so we could keep track of how they're doing, but decided against it.

Since 1954, we've only lost two birds out of hundreds.

I'll talk at you next week...

lester aldrich_small.jpg

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem.  Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

About Lester Aldrich

Lester Aldrich - Those Damn Kids - Manka Bros. - Octogenarian

Lester Aldrich is a World War 2 and Korean War veteran. He has been a contributing writer for Manka Bros.' Octogenarian Mankazine since he turned 80 (eight years ago). He lives in East Lansing, Michigan with his wife of 65 years and really hates THOSE DAMN KIDS.



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