Dairy Bar – Mornin' Eagleville

October 28, 2024October 29, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Annual Farmer Poetry Festival

The Annual Farmer Poetry Festival happened over the weekend. The theme this year was Childhood Memories.

Here is one of the entries called “Third Grade – Hanging Tobacco”

“Third Grade – Hanging Tobacco” by Debbie Rigsby

“3rd grade – hanging tobacco…

Missing school – coulda died…

Mama don’t care

Mama gotta be mama to four others.

Hangin’ tobacco – shit’s gotta dry – one missed step…

Spike in foot – or worse…

Food for pigs.

Daddy said when you died you were food for pigs…

Hangin’ tobacco,

I hope those people that get lung cancer appreciate my sacrifice.“

That one is by Debbie Rigsby. Good job, Debbie. That was all our memories back then… good one.

Here’s another poem by our local creepy Voltaire – Ernest Perry. It’s called – “Jeff Brown Gets Hit By A Car”

“I got a new bike for Christmas,

I was seven.

In Eagleville ain’t not many boys get new bikes at seven.

In Eagleville, boys of seven gets bikes their

Ten-year-old brothers don’t want no more.

But on April 11, I got a new bike.

Sweet new bike.

I knew I would be the envy of friends.

King of the neighborhood, if you were seven.

So… the weather was good.

In Eagleville, April 1975 I got my new bike and wanted to show everyone.

My best friend Randy Jacobs and another, Jeff Brown,

Was just sittin’ in Randy’s yard when I rolled up.

I was the proudest kid ever.

Couldn’t wait to show my friends that I got a

fucking new bike that wasn’t first

owned by a fucking fifteen-year-old.

Randy and Jeff were properly impressed.

Envious… but happy for me.

Randy was a shy guy (still is) and didn’t express emotion much.

He said:

‘Ernie, your bike is cool.’

Jeff Brown was more aggressive and said these fateful words:

‘Ernie, that is an incredible bike. Can I ride it once?‘

With no hesitation, proud to share with my friends.

‘Of course,’ I said, “But not too long.

I haven’t had much chance myself to ride it.’

Jeff took off like a dream.

Ten minutes later…

Hit by car…

I still wake up to the screeching of the tires of his father leaving the

Dairy Bar, racing to see what had happened to his boy.

Five days later…

Jeff was dead.

Whoah, that was sad.

Some powerful stuff from Farmer poet Ernest Perry, who has lived in Eagleville his whole life in that house on the hill out on Old Highway 99.

The Eagleville, TN House of Ernest Perry

Some say, even though Ernie still lives there, that house is haunted. And I believe it, Eagleville. Some things just can’t be explained.

And, remember, if you can’t be a poet, then be the poem.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow…

Sam

October 11, 2024October 16, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Bird Watching and Pottery

Mornin’ Eagleville…

We are but warriors of the working day. That’s Shakespeare, folks, but boy does it apply to this community.

I see you out there, Eagleville. I see you.

Four bird watchers from the Tennessee Valley Birdwatching Club were killed yesterday by… birds. I suppose they were large birds – birds large enough to kill a human – or four.

Are there still Eagles in Eagleville? And can an Eagle kill a person? More details to follow, I suppose.

Be careful out there, Eagleville.

There’s a new pottery shop on Main Street – Artisan Pottery.

Artisan Pottery on Main Street in Eagleville, TN

Not sure about the name. A little generic for my taste. I’d prefer, you know, Millie’s Pottery Shop & Cupcake Euphoria – or, you know, what I’m sayin’ – something folksy. This is Eagleville!

But, never mind – the important thing is… there’s a new pottery shop on Main Street – and we need new shops. It’s gettin’ a little sparse on the storefront side of things these days.

The new owners are from… oh… OK… i get ya now. The new owners are from La Jolla, California.

They make clay pots and, you know, stuff made of pottery. And, as I said, the important thing to remember is they are taking up another empty shop on Main Street. They got that California cash they’re willing to lose – so good luck to ‘em.

The Rigsbys can’t fill all them empty shops. So give the news owners a chance, Eagleville.

Everything from California don’t suck… I wish I had an example – but you get me, right? We accept all people here and if you don’t – then fuck all yourselves… I’m sick of it.

Those of you who hate people and hate in general are running out of towns to move to – so just sit back and accept shit for what it is.

Maybe even try to enjoy yourself.

And, just remember, the pain of parting is nothing compared to the joy of meeting again.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow…

Sam

October 1, 2024October 3, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Electric Trucks and Rent

Mornin’ Eagleville…

Wa-hoo, Eagleville. Sam here. I took a pull and had a little jolt of the Joe this morgan. Full power, B!

Ford F150 (NOT ELECTRIC! – The Way God Intended)

Treason to me is an ELECTRIC Ford F150. I’d rather pay two hundred dollars to fill my truck than have that. I mean, if my mom was gas and the option was to charge a car with electricity or stuff my mom in the tank to fill it up – my mom is getting stuffed without blinking an eye.

I have a nephew in… California, Chad, who says, ‘That’s stupid, Uncle Sam.’ The little fucker.

‘California’ is all you need to know about that statement. We work hard here, sonny boy. We’re more about the forklift than the facelift – am I right, Eagleville? Up top! We don’t even wear masks at Halloween. And, hell yeah, I know what that means.

The Eagleville Center for the Performing Arts – upstairs from Ashford’s Grain & Feed – is performing something called ‘Rent’ this weekend. I heard it’s got some music in it.

Eagleville Center for the Performing Arts production of ‘Rent’

Most of the cast is from Eagleville High School and College Grove Community College. I don’t know anything about that show but they did a good job with the George Jones tribute concert last year – so I imagine it will be the same good work this year.

Today’s episode is brought to you by the Pulled Pork Sandwich at the Dairy Bar this week.

The Pulled Pork Lunch Platter at The Dairy Bar (all week!)

Man, that sounds good. Nobody pulls the pork like the Dairy Bar – so get on down there. Tell ‘em Sam sent ya.

Well, that’ll do ‘er, Eagleville.

It’s time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I’d much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 25, 2024September 26, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Double Negatives

Mornin’ Eagleville… Pretty nice day out there, so get out an enjoy it. Do something with your lives, Eagleville.

I hear a lot of double negatives in this town. Phrases like ‘There ain’t no road that goes there.’ ‘There ain’t no more apples at the store.’ Stuff like that.

My dad, Bill, used to do triple negatives – like one time he didn’t want to take a taxi to the airport, ‘I ain’t gonna take no taxi to no airport.’ Not to be grammar snob (God knows I ain’t that) but ‘I’m not taking a taxi’ would have worked just fine.

Why am I going into language and how we talk in Eagleville? Because, folks, we are being ‘gentrified.’ Go look up the word. I ain’t got no time to explain it.

Definition of ‘Gentrification’ From Merriam-Webster & Oxford Dictinoaries

And the people from the blue states who are moving into and renovating our ancestors’ old farmhouses for HGTV speak a different way than we do.

Photo from HGTV’s ‘Updating Grandma’s Farmhouse’

Oh, they try to do the accent – but we know it’s bullshit. But one thing I do know, there’s not a lot of double negatives coming out of the University of California at Berkeley.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not the ones that have to change, Eagleville. I’m just putting it out there that the new folks you see walking around town who are buying antiques and thrift store vases and candy bowls from your grandma’s attic sale speak differently than we do and we sorta gotta accept it.

They’re not farmers – but they’re sure going to try and dress like it.

That’s my only message today. No other real news – except the remnants of a hurricane heading our way – but what else is new.

So… that’ll do ‘her – and may the road rise up to meet you and may the wind be ever at your back.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 24, 2024September 25, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Uranium and Flying Cats

Mornin’ Eagleville…

I’m feeling a little basic today. Today, we’re gonna get rid of some crazy rumors that have been goin’ around – so let’s get ‘er going…

Marshall Anders’ claim that he discovered plutonium beneath his green bean field is not true.

Marshall Anders’ Green Bean Field (with filter)

While it is true that traces of uranium from the 1950s were used to goose the yield of his crappy crops, there was never enough found that could allow his farm to become nuclear capable.

He thinks he has enough to build a bomb, but he also thinks the Loch Ness Monster is his second cousin.

The radiation in his soil could barely give him a decent tan.

The flying cat that people along Main Street said actually existed was not actually true. It was actually a bird – and birds do fly, so it is true that people saw something flying – it just wasn’t a cat. So that’s really the end of that.

A Bird Flying In Eagleville – Digital Art

Don’t eat the soup today at the Rigsby Diner and Gelato Shoppe. I’m not allowed to say why – #Lawyers – but let’s just say, if no one eats it, no one will die and that’s always a good day.

Fifty years ago today, a giant glop of space shit supposedly dropped onto several farms and houses in the Eagleville / College Grove area.

A.I. Imagines What The Massive Space Shit Glop Must Have Looked Liked In 1972

While there is no photographic evidence or living survivors from that time, local historians have compared it to the Ice Age and the death of the dinosaurs. While that seems a little farfetched –we have no proof to contradict that account, so we’ll go with it.

Happy Glop of Space Shit Day, Eagleville – and enjoy a free Glop of Space Shit Turkey Gravy to put on your mashed potatoes at The Dairy Bar today.

Space Glop Mashed Potatoes Available Today At The Dairy Bar

And remember, dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true – and we’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 20, 2024September 23, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Walnut Jesus

Mornin’ Eagleville… A little gloomy out there this mornin’. But don’t let that put a damper on your day. Make it the best damn day you’ve ever had.

So here we go.

Jake Snyder, the man who said he saw Jesus in a walnut that fell off his tree, has said he would like the controversy to settle down and would like to have his life return to normal.

I saw a picture of the walnut and it did look a little like Jesus – but, so what? All kinds of shit looks like Jesus.

We all go to church on Sundays and nobody comes out after and says, ‘Hey, that Jesus in there looked just like Jesus!’ So let’s not make too much of it.

Jake said his kids are getting asked about the Walnut Jesus all day and that it is too much for all of them.

So…. yesterday, Jake threw the Walnut Jesus into a shredder and he hopes that’s the end of it.

He even turned down two hundred dollars from a Jesus museum somewhere in Arkansas just so his nightmare will come to an end.

I certainly hope I’m not going to hear about any threats to Jake or his family because he shredded the Walnut Jesus. Didn’t we see enough murder and death a few years ago over that Jesus face in the potato chip? Leave the man alone, Eagleville.

There’s a new flvor of ice cream at the Dairy Bar for the next month… Strawberry.

Mmmm – okay! It’s certainly something I’ll try.

Which is a great reminder, Eagleville. Try new things. Live a little.

See ya later, Alligators.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 19, 2024September 20, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Randy Johnson and Basketballs

Mornin’ Eagleville… we’re passin’ along some sad news this mornin’.

Well, I mean, we knew this day would come. Randy Johnson has passed away. He has been dying, really, since the day he was born – as we all have.

On his 66th birthday last week, he ate cake and drank bourbon and this week he died.

No real lesson in that. He did smoke three packs a day – as we all do.

I hear his last words were ‘Jacob and Mary’ – who were the names of his kids and his last word was ‘Trump.’ Make of that what you want. We ain’t political here.

The Memorial is this Sunday at the Eagleville Calvinist Church at four p.m.

Eagleville High School is desperately in need of basketballs for their current season. The team has two right now and that’s for the Boys AND Girls teams who often practice at the same time.

Eagleville High School Gym – And The Two Basketballs

While the boys have first dibs on the balls, it would be good if the Girls team could practice with actual basketballs to get ready for actual games. We would hate to lose the girls’ team because of an equipment shortage.

So, if you’ve got one in your garage, or could manage to buy one in Murfreesboro or Franklin, that would be really helpful.

Feel the burn… there is an exercise class starting at seven a.m. at the— Yeah, I’m not reading that.

Mornin’ Eagleville does not endorse this sort of thing. This sort of West Coast thing.

Have a great day, Eagleville. And so long, Randy Johnson.

Talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 18, 2024September 19, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Farmers Market

Mornin’ Eagleville.

I know you can hear me out there – so let’s get it goin’.

Come one, come all – it’s the monthly Eagleville Farmers Market.

We shut down Main Street for this one so make sure you go to it.

For the kids, Herschel, the Hog, will be there and Cochise, the Horse.

(Don’t these kids see fucking pigs and horses every day? How about a bear or something? Sorry for my language there… I should just stick to the script.)

The weather is starting to cool down so make sure you get out of the house occasionally. I know you’re getting older and TV provides such a comfort, like a warm blanket, but you can’t just sit there in your house and wait to die. So go to the Eagleville Farmer’s Market!

Don and Trudie Mercer were killed last night while walking their dog, Maisy. Maisy was just fine and is looking for a new home.

She will be the featured pet at the Pet Adoption Booth this Saturday at the Eagleville Farmer’s Market.

It’s two-for-one burger day at the Dairy Bar so tell Larry Brown we sent you there. If it’s slow, Larry may even make it three-for-one burgers – though only one person can eat the burgers, no sharing with friends or family. If they want to eat, they have to buy their own two-for-one burger deal.

A blood sample of… somebody… was found on the curb outside of Randy’s Bowling Lanes. If you have misplaced a blood sample or know someone who did, contact us here at Mornin’ Eagleville. Look for contact stuff on our website.

Blood Vial Found Outside Randy’s Bowling Lanes

In National news… Hmmm… I got nothing here. Everything’s probably fine. Just keep farming, farmers.

And, as always, we’re sponsored by Rigsby Tractor Repair, Truck Towing & Homemade Ice Cream.

Have a good one, Eagleville. I know that you will. Talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 13, 2024September 13, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Aliens and Pie

Mornin’ Eagleville…

You betcha we made it. It’s another day – and it’s not so hot. That’s a win-win in my book. So let’s get goin’ on this glorious day.

Alan Rigsby – who with Rigsby Bros. are proud sponsors of Mornin’ Eagleville’ – called our tip line last night with an extraterrestrial sighting! He said an unidentified flying object was spotted directly over the Rigsby Brothers Motel in College Grove and then quickly flew out of the atmosphere before he could activate the camera on his phone.

Rigsby Bros. Grocery, Auto Repair & Tax Preparation (With UFOs Added By AI)

He did describe the encounter to his granddaughter, Shelby, who is in second grade, and she made a drawing. This is more for fun than for historical fact. So here’s that drawing. Pretty good job, I’d say.

Shelby Rigsby’s Drawing Of UFO Invasion of College Grove, TN

I know for some a sighting like that in College Grove will throw it immediately into the wacko pile because those people over there can’t be trust. But I have known Alan Rigsby most of my life and he is not a liar. So we have to take it at face value and as the truth.

So, there it is – further proof – we are not alone.

And on that note, the Rigsby Pancake and Waffle Barn is having a special this weekend. An Alien Pancake Special – green pancakes shaped like Alien Faces with butter for eyes – $4.99 for six pancakes and a side of Area 51 Hash Browns.

Mornin’ Eagleville is brought to you by Rigby’s Tire and Auto. Everyone’s car breaks down but only one place can fix it – Rigsby’s Tire & Auto. Where else would you go? Nashville and all them new blue recruits? Let’s go Brandon. Rigsby’s Tire & Auto.

I realize this is a Rigsby heavy episode but those boys do a lot for our community so maybe our community will a lot for them and support those businesses that support us.

One final thing today… the Monthly Eagleville Pie Baking Contest was won by Anita Flores. How that happened, I have no idea. She’s new to town and, apparently, knows her way around the Apricot.

Mama Karen Rigsby was second with her normally dominant Apple pie. So this was a bit of a shock to all us.

Maybe the Aliens rigged it for Miss Flores – or maybe she just knows how to make a pie.

I’ll talk at you tomorrow, Eagleville. And now that we know we’re not alone, that’s just one more reason to be kind.

Have a good one, Eagleville.

Sam

September 10, 2024September 11, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Petting Zoo and World War 2 Bomb

They say when you cut the head off a snake, the snake stays alive just long enough to bite you and everyone you love. This past weekend, I cut the head off a snake in my tobacco patch and it didn’t bite shit – excuse my language.

Just sayin’, don’t believe anything you hear or read.

So good mornin’ to you all.

Eagleville Elementary School is having a petting zoo this weekend. The zoo will be two dogs, a cat and three sheep. Thanks for the support, Eagleville. Should be fun for all.

An undiscovered WW2 test bomb – used for military tests during WW2 training – exploded when a local Book Club group (the Facebook page said there were seventeen active members) was having a picnic on the outskirts of Eagleville near the College Grove line. The book they were reading was ‘All The Light We Cannot See.’ There were no survivors.

The weather is so freakin’ hot now – no thanks to Brandon – but, I suppose, winter will come at some point in this life. We’ll be in the 90s in the day and the 80s at night.

In sports, Eagleville High School LaCrosse is having tryouts… nope… nope… nope… not giving LaCrosse anytime here. It’s not a real sport – at least not real in these parts. Connecticut can talk about it all they want.

That’ll do ‘er for today.

The cherry pie is fresh at the Dairy Bar this morning. So go there and smoke your cigarettes, drink your coffee, eat your pancakes and finish it all off with a nice slice of cherry pie.

Remember, health is genetics. Some fat people die when they’re ninety and some skinny marathon runners die when they’re thirty.

Have a great one.

Talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam