Parody – Mornin' Eagleville

October 11, 2024October 16, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Bird Watching and Pottery

Mornin’ Eagleville…

We are but warriors of the working day. That’s Shakespeare, folks, but boy does it apply to this community.

I see you out there, Eagleville. I see you.

Four bird watchers from the Tennessee Valley Birdwatching Club were killed yesterday by… birds. I suppose they were large birds – birds large enough to kill a human – or four.

Are there still Eagles in Eagleville? And can an Eagle kill a person? More details to follow, I suppose.

Be careful out there, Eagleville.

There’s a new pottery shop on Main Street – Artisan Pottery.

Artisan Pottery on Main Street in Eagleville, TN

Not sure about the name. A little generic for my taste. I’d prefer, you know, Millie’s Pottery Shop & Cupcake Euphoria – or, you know, what I’m sayin’ – something folksy. This is Eagleville!

But, never mind – the important thing is… there’s a new pottery shop on Main Street – and we need new shops. It’s gettin’ a little sparse on the storefront side of things these days.

The new owners are from… oh… OK… i get ya now. The new owners are from La Jolla, California.

They make clay pots and, you know, stuff made of pottery. And, as I said, the important thing to remember is they are taking up another empty shop on Main Street. They got that California cash they’re willing to lose – so good luck to ‘em.

The Rigsbys can’t fill all them empty shops. So give the news owners a chance, Eagleville.

Everything from California don’t suck… I wish I had an example – but you get me, right? We accept all people here and if you don’t – then fuck all yourselves… I’m sick of it.

Those of you who hate people and hate in general are running out of towns to move to – so just sit back and accept shit for what it is.

Maybe even try to enjoy yourself.

And, just remember, the pain of parting is nothing compared to the joy of meeting again.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow…

Sam

October 1, 2024October 3, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Electric Trucks and Rent

Mornin’ Eagleville…

Wa-hoo, Eagleville. Sam here. I took a pull and had a little jolt of the Joe this morgan. Full power, B!

Ford F150 (NOT ELECTRIC! – The Way God Intended)

Treason to me is an ELECTRIC Ford F150. I’d rather pay two hundred dollars to fill my truck than have that. I mean, if my mom was gas and the option was to charge a car with electricity or stuff my mom in the tank to fill it up – my mom is getting stuffed without blinking an eye.

I have a nephew in… California, Chad, who says, ‘That’s stupid, Uncle Sam.’ The little fucker.

‘California’ is all you need to know about that statement. We work hard here, sonny boy. We’re more about the forklift than the facelift – am I right, Eagleville? Up top! We don’t even wear masks at Halloween. And, hell yeah, I know what that means.

The Eagleville Center for the Performing Arts – upstairs from Ashford’s Grain & Feed – is performing something called ‘Rent’ this weekend. I heard it’s got some music in it.

Eagleville Center for the Performing Arts production of ‘Rent’

Most of the cast is from Eagleville High School and College Grove Community College. I don’t know anything about that show but they did a good job with the George Jones tribute concert last year – so I imagine it will be the same good work this year.

Today’s episode is brought to you by the Pulled Pork Sandwich at the Dairy Bar this week.

The Pulled Pork Lunch Platter at The Dairy Bar (all week!)

Man, that sounds good. Nobody pulls the pork like the Dairy Bar – so get on down there. Tell ‘em Sam sent ya.

Well, that’ll do ‘er, Eagleville.

It’s time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I’d much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 26, 2024October 3, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Middle School Musical

Mornin’ Eagleville – Sam here for another mornin’. Let’s hit the ground runnin’.

Several people died last night – not sure why. Not sure why and I don’t have any names. More to come on this story, obviously, since many of our sisters and brothers and husbands and wives and children probably want to know who is no longer alive in this town.

You all know the drill, we’ll let you know as soon as we know. We’ve just got to figure it out and get an accurate count as to how many died, why and how.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory – Eagleville Middle School

The Eagleville Middle School production of ‘Charlie & The Chocolate Factory’ absolutely sucked (and my grandson was in it so I’m not being biased). I mean, it completely sucked.

Not much talent on that stage at all this year. Sorry, kids, you blow. Better luck next year with ‘Guys & Dolls.’

The Eagleville Thrift Store just announced $1 Dollar Thursdays. So all that crap that’s in that store you can now get for $1 on Thursdays. Makes you wonder why you would go there on Fridays. But ok, Peggy, I’m rooting for you.

That’s Peggy Valentine, you know, down at the Thrift Store. So go buy your little doilies and straws and stuff there on Thursday. Maybe I’ll take a trip down there as well. Maybe pick up some used socks for a buck.

That’ll do ‘er for today.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

So remember, Eagleville, if you come to a fork in the road – take it.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 25, 2024September 26, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Double Negatives

Mornin’ Eagleville… Pretty nice day out there, so get out an enjoy it. Do something with your lives, Eagleville.

I hear a lot of double negatives in this town. Phrases like ‘There ain’t no road that goes there.’ ‘There ain’t no more apples at the store.’ Stuff like that.

My dad, Bill, used to do triple negatives – like one time he didn’t want to take a taxi to the airport, ‘I ain’t gonna take no taxi to no airport.’ Not to be grammar snob (God knows I ain’t that) but ‘I’m not taking a taxi’ would have worked just fine.

Why am I going into language and how we talk in Eagleville? Because, folks, we are being ‘gentrified.’ Go look up the word. I ain’t got no time to explain it.

Definition of ‘Gentrification’ From Merriam-Webster & Oxford Dictinoaries

And the people from the blue states who are moving into and renovating our ancestors’ old farmhouses for HGTV speak a different way than we do.

Photo from HGTV’s ‘Updating Grandma’s Farmhouse’

Oh, they try to do the accent – but we know it’s bullshit. But one thing I do know, there’s not a lot of double negatives coming out of the University of California at Berkeley.

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not the ones that have to change, Eagleville. I’m just putting it out there that the new folks you see walking around town who are buying antiques and thrift store vases and candy bowls from your grandma’s attic sale speak differently than we do and we sorta gotta accept it.

They’re not farmers – but they’re sure going to try and dress like it.

That’s my only message today. No other real news – except the remnants of a hurricane heading our way – but what else is new.

So… that’ll do ‘her – and may the road rise up to meet you and may the wind be ever at your back.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 24, 2024September 25, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Uranium and Flying Cats

Mornin’ Eagleville…

I’m feeling a little basic today. Today, we’re gonna get rid of some crazy rumors that have been goin’ around – so let’s get ‘er going…

Marshall Anders’ claim that he discovered plutonium beneath his green bean field is not true.

Marshall Anders’ Green Bean Field (with filter)

While it is true that traces of uranium from the 1950s were used to goose the yield of his crappy crops, there was never enough found that could allow his farm to become nuclear capable.

He thinks he has enough to build a bomb, but he also thinks the Loch Ness Monster is his second cousin.

The radiation in his soil could barely give him a decent tan.

The flying cat that people along Main Street said actually existed was not actually true. It was actually a bird – and birds do fly, so it is true that people saw something flying – it just wasn’t a cat. So that’s really the end of that.

A Bird Flying In Eagleville – Digital Art

Don’t eat the soup today at the Rigsby Diner and Gelato Shoppe. I’m not allowed to say why – #Lawyers – but let’s just say, if no one eats it, no one will die and that’s always a good day.

Fifty years ago today, a giant glop of space shit supposedly dropped onto several farms and houses in the Eagleville / College Grove area.

A.I. Imagines What The Massive Space Shit Glop Must Have Looked Liked In 1972

While there is no photographic evidence or living survivors from that time, local historians have compared it to the Ice Age and the death of the dinosaurs. While that seems a little farfetched –we have no proof to contradict that account, so we’ll go with it.

Happy Glop of Space Shit Day, Eagleville – and enjoy a free Glop of Space Shit Turkey Gravy to put on your mashed potatoes at The Dairy Bar today.

Space Glop Mashed Potatoes Available Today At The Dairy Bar

And remember, dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true – and we’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 20, 2024September 23, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Walnut Jesus

Mornin’ Eagleville… A little gloomy out there this mornin’. But don’t let that put a damper on your day. Make it the best damn day you’ve ever had.

So here we go.

Jake Snyder, the man who said he saw Jesus in a walnut that fell off his tree, has said he would like the controversy to settle down and would like to have his life return to normal.

I saw a picture of the walnut and it did look a little like Jesus – but, so what? All kinds of shit looks like Jesus.

We all go to church on Sundays and nobody comes out after and says, ‘Hey, that Jesus in there looked just like Jesus!’ So let’s not make too much of it.

Jake said his kids are getting asked about the Walnut Jesus all day and that it is too much for all of them.

So…. yesterday, Jake threw the Walnut Jesus into a shredder and he hopes that’s the end of it.

He even turned down two hundred dollars from a Jesus museum somewhere in Arkansas just so his nightmare will come to an end.

I certainly hope I’m not going to hear about any threats to Jake or his family because he shredded the Walnut Jesus. Didn’t we see enough murder and death a few years ago over that Jesus face in the potato chip? Leave the man alone, Eagleville.

There’s a new flvor of ice cream at the Dairy Bar for the next month… Strawberry.

Mmmm – okay! It’s certainly something I’ll try.

Which is a great reminder, Eagleville. Try new things. Live a little.

See ya later, Alligators.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 19, 2024September 20, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Randy Johnson and Basketballs

Mornin’ Eagleville… we’re passin’ along some sad news this mornin’.

Well, I mean, we knew this day would come. Randy Johnson has passed away. He has been dying, really, since the day he was born – as we all have.

On his 66th birthday last week, he ate cake and drank bourbon and this week he died.

No real lesson in that. He did smoke three packs a day – as we all do.

I hear his last words were ‘Jacob and Mary’ – who were the names of his kids and his last word was ‘Trump.’ Make of that what you want. We ain’t political here.

The Memorial is this Sunday at the Eagleville Calvinist Church at four p.m.

Eagleville High School is desperately in need of basketballs for their current season. The team has two right now and that’s for the Boys AND Girls teams who often practice at the same time.

Eagleville High School Gym – And The Two Basketballs

While the boys have first dibs on the balls, it would be good if the Girls team could practice with actual basketballs to get ready for actual games. We would hate to lose the girls’ team because of an equipment shortage.

So, if you’ve got one in your garage, or could manage to buy one in Murfreesboro or Franklin, that would be really helpful.

Feel the burn… there is an exercise class starting at seven a.m. at the— Yeah, I’m not reading that.

Mornin’ Eagleville does not endorse this sort of thing. This sort of West Coast thing.

Have a great day, Eagleville. And so long, Randy Johnson.

Talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 18, 2024September 19, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Farmers Market

Mornin’ Eagleville.

I know you can hear me out there – so let’s get it goin’.

Come one, come all – it’s the monthly Eagleville Farmers Market.

We shut down Main Street for this one so make sure you go to it.

For the kids, Herschel, the Hog, will be there and Cochise, the Horse.

(Don’t these kids see fucking pigs and horses every day? How about a bear or something? Sorry for my language there… I should just stick to the script.)

The weather is starting to cool down so make sure you get out of the house occasionally. I know you’re getting older and TV provides such a comfort, like a warm blanket, but you can’t just sit there in your house and wait to die. So go to the Eagleville Farmer’s Market!

Don and Trudie Mercer were killed last night while walking their dog, Maisy. Maisy was just fine and is looking for a new home.

She will be the featured pet at the Pet Adoption Booth this Saturday at the Eagleville Farmer’s Market.

It’s two-for-one burger day at the Dairy Bar so tell Larry Brown we sent you there. If it’s slow, Larry may even make it three-for-one burgers – though only one person can eat the burgers, no sharing with friends or family. If they want to eat, they have to buy their own two-for-one burger deal.

A blood sample of… somebody… was found on the curb outside of Randy’s Bowling Lanes. If you have misplaced a blood sample or know someone who did, contact us here at Mornin’ Eagleville. Look for contact stuff on our website.

Blood Vial Found Outside Randy’s Bowling Lanes

In National news… Hmmm… I got nothing here. Everything’s probably fine. Just keep farming, farmers.

And, as always, we’re sponsored by Rigsby Tractor Repair, Truck Towing & Homemade Ice Cream.

Have a good one, Eagleville. I know that you will. Talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 17, 2024September 18, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Sweet Tea and Murder Law

Mornin’ Eagleville.

Looks like a pretty good day. So let’s get it going, Eagleville.

Twin Peaks Made Cherry Pie Popular All Over Again – It Always Popular In Eagleville!

Cherry Pie became a big deal a hundred years ago on the TV show ‘Twin Peaks’ but it has always been a big deal in Eagleville and you throw in a jar of sweet tea – you’ve pretty much got Heaven on Earth right there. Diabetes be damned, we ain’t changing.

If you’re thinking of killing someone, don’t do it in, Eagleville, because laws have recently been passed forbidding murder within the city limits. And regardless of what the majority of the people may feel, I say it’s about damn time.

That little loophole in the State and Federal laws has always been a problem in this town, and I’m glad we fixed it!

It’s jam canning time at the Eagleville Baptist Church. So bring your fruit and jars and whatever shit you need to do to get the fruit in the jars.

The Church, headed by Jasper Tritt, will provide the equipment and the know-how. All are welcome. Well… most are welcome. Those who aren’t know who they are.

If you wanna give blood for those who don’t have good blood, do it. I mean, what the Hell are we doing here?

Eagleville Blood Drive At The Eagleville Clinic

The Eagleville Clinic is welcoming all blood givers. Well… most are welcome and again, those who aren’t… know who they are. Ask for Nurse Donna Jean – she’ll poke ya and promises you won’t feel a thing.

In Sports, Eagleville High School varsity girls volleyball beat College Grove like an f-ing drum three to two in the all-important league play qualifier.

Eagleville Varsity Volleyball Team Destroyed College Grove!

Whichever team wins the league gets to go to Regionals which could lead to Districts which could lead to State.

Let’s go Eagles! Or should I say… Lady Eagles!

We’ll talk at ya tomorrow, Eagleville. Have a good one.

Sam

September 16, 2024September 17, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Sulfur Smell and Shoplifting

Mornin’ Eagleville. I guess when you tell people you are going to do this every day you actually have to do it… every day. I’m not complaining but…

Well… Mornin’ Eagleville….

They say ‘whoever smelt it dealt it.’ Well, the people who smelt it was us in Eagleville – but who dealt it was the Rutherford County Public Works.

If your water and your crops smell like sulfur – rotten egg smell – just awful… it’s because of them sons of bitches. Pardon my tongue.

Sulfur Smell Coming From RCPW Building Affecting All Area Farms and Water Supply

We’re heavy into the 21st century, sulfur in anything shouldn’t be (as my granddaughter says) “a thing.” I grew up with that shit in the 1970s – undrinkable water, inedible vegetables. Just shit on wheels.

Guinea Worm Spotted In Blue Creek – They Are Deadly! Please Wear Shoes If You Cross!

Just a reminder, don’t cross Blue Creek without shoes. Apparently, Guinea Worms crawled into the bodies of three people from Eagleville recently through their feet. The people did not survive. We’ll pass along the names of the deceased when we have more information.

It’s free pizza day at Betty’s Italian Café & Irish Bar.

Just buy a pizza and at some point, they’ll send you a coupon for a free pizza or cheese bread at a later day (to be chosen by Betty or her teenage son, Scooter). Mmmm, free pizza.

Police apprehended two juvenile youths for shoplifting yesterday (and regardless of online social media posts, one of them was NOT Betty’s son Scooter).

Surveillance Photo of Alleged Shoplifters At Rigsby’s General Store and Plumbing Supply

The two juveniles stole three candy bars and a muffin from Rigsby’s General Store and Plumbing Supply in College Grove. Even though the boys were thirteen, they will be tried as adults. Good riddance to your life, fellas.

That’ll do ‘er for another day. Have a good one, Eagleville.

Sam