Satire – Page 2 – Mornin' Eagleville

September 16, 2024September 17, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Sulfur Smell and Shoplifting

Mornin’ Eagleville. I guess when you tell people you are going to do this every day you actually have to do it… every day. I’m not complaining but…

Well… Mornin’ Eagleville….

They say ‘whoever smelt it dealt it.’ Well, the people who smelt it was us in Eagleville – but who dealt it was the Rutherford County Public Works.

If your water and your crops smell like sulfur – rotten egg smell – just awful… it’s because of them sons of bitches. Pardon my tongue.

Sulfur Smell Coming From RCPW Building Affecting All Area Farms and Water Supply

We’re heavy into the 21st century, sulfur in anything shouldn’t be (as my granddaughter says) “a thing.” I grew up with that shit in the 1970s – undrinkable water, inedible vegetables. Just shit on wheels.

Guinea Worm Spotted In Blue Creek – They Are Deadly! Please Wear Shoes If You Cross!

Just a reminder, don’t cross Blue Creek without shoes. Apparently, Guinea Worms crawled into the bodies of three people from Eagleville recently through their feet. The people did not survive. We’ll pass along the names of the deceased when we have more information.

It’s free pizza day at Betty’s Italian Café & Irish Bar.

Just buy a pizza and at some point, they’ll send you a coupon for a free pizza or cheese bread at a later day (to be chosen by Betty or her teenage son, Scooter). Mmmm, free pizza.

Police apprehended two juvenile youths for shoplifting yesterday (and regardless of online social media posts, one of them was NOT Betty’s son Scooter).

Surveillance Photo of Alleged Shoplifters At Rigsby’s General Store and Plumbing Supply

The two juveniles stole three candy bars and a muffin from Rigsby’s General Store and Plumbing Supply in College Grove. Even though the boys were thirteen, they will be tried as adults. Good riddance to your life, fellas.

That’ll do ‘er for another day. Have a good one, Eagleville.

Sam

September 13, 2024September 13, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Aliens and Pie

Mornin’ Eagleville…

You betcha we made it. It’s another day – and it’s not so hot. That’s a win-win in my book. So let’s get goin’ on this glorious day.

Alan Rigsby – who with Rigsby Bros. are proud sponsors of Mornin’ Eagleville’ – called our tip line last night with an extraterrestrial sighting! He said an unidentified flying object was spotted directly over the Rigsby Brothers Motel in College Grove and then quickly flew out of the atmosphere before he could activate the camera on his phone.

Rigsby Bros. Grocery, Auto Repair & Tax Preparation (With UFOs Added By AI)

He did describe the encounter to his granddaughter, Shelby, who is in second grade, and she made a drawing. This is more for fun than for historical fact. So here’s that drawing. Pretty good job, I’d say.

Shelby Rigsby’s Drawing Of UFO Invasion of College Grove, TN

I know for some a sighting like that in College Grove will throw it immediately into the wacko pile because those people over there can’t be trust. But I have known Alan Rigsby most of my life and he is not a liar. So we have to take it at face value and as the truth.

So, there it is – further proof – we are not alone.

And on that note, the Rigsby Pancake and Waffle Barn is having a special this weekend. An Alien Pancake Special – green pancakes shaped like Alien Faces with butter for eyes – $4.99 for six pancakes and a side of Area 51 Hash Browns.

Mornin’ Eagleville is brought to you by Rigby’s Tire and Auto. Everyone’s car breaks down but only one place can fix it – Rigsby’s Tire & Auto. Where else would you go? Nashville and all them new blue recruits? Let’s go Brandon. Rigsby’s Tire & Auto.

I realize this is a Rigsby heavy episode but those boys do a lot for our community so maybe our community will a lot for them and support those businesses that support us.

One final thing today… the Monthly Eagleville Pie Baking Contest was won by Anita Flores. How that happened, I have no idea. She’s new to town and, apparently, knows her way around the Apricot.

Mama Karen Rigsby was second with her normally dominant Apple pie. So this was a bit of a shock to all us.

Maybe the Aliens rigged it for Miss Flores – or maybe she just knows how to make a pie.

I’ll talk at you tomorrow, Eagleville. And now that we know we’re not alone, that’s just one more reason to be kind.

Have a good one, Eagleville.

Sam

September 12, 2024September 13, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Annual Italian Festival and Rodeo

Well… Mornin’ Eagleville.

All right, we got this, Tennessee. Let’s get her goin’.

Everybody seems to like the new YouTube part of this here blog – so we’ll keep her goin’ for a while.

The Annual Eagleville Italian Festival is this weekend at Betty’s Italian Cafe and Irish Bar.

On the Italian side of the restaurant there will be games for the kids, music from a couple of people who know some Italian songs.

The Irish side will be closed because of the Italian Festival. Sorry, football fans.

There will also be a pasta making contest so come on down with your Italian recipes. I do like garlic bread, so I’m looking forward to this event.

At last weekend’s County Rodeo in Murfreesboro, a bucking bronco smashed through a protective barrier and kicked four spectators to death. No names or other information is available at this time.

If you have any old clothes that you’d like to donate to the Eagleville Baptist Church Clothes Drive – which is trying pull together some clothes for here and neighboring communities (except College Grove who are doing their own thing – as always) – then drop them off at the Church this Thursday from 12:30 – 1:00. If no one is there, wait a few minutes – Dustin is probably just grabbing lunch.

Hollywood put out a couple of movies this week that we should probably figure out how to get burned and buried. It’s very simple, peolple – just don’t go to anything or watch any shows made in Hollywood. They can’t be trusted. If you want to see or feel like entertainment is somehow important to you, you can always go to Church for storytime or a nice sermon or the weekly rodeo in Murfreesboro.

Well, that should do’er for another day.

Get out there and tend your crops and farmers, stop killing yourselves by suicide. It’s really not that bad.

I’ll talk at ya tomorrow.

Sam

September 11, 2024September 13, 2024

Mornin’ Eagleville – Blood Sausage and Bourbon

Mornin’ Eagleville… yep, we’re in it. Hang on.

If you like blood sausage then the Rigsby’s got a treat for you – free blood sausage with an oil change this Saturday at the Rigsby Garage.

Blood Sausage and Coffee at Rigsby Bros. Grocery & Auto Repair & Tax Preparation

And thanks to the Rigsby’s for sponsoring today’s show…

Rigsby Bros. Grocery & Auto Repair & Tax Preparation

Sheila Barnhart has had a Hell of time raising money for the Eagleville Food Bank. The food don’t buy itself, Eagleville, and more people need it than donate. So, let’s step up!

Especially you homesteaders from out of state who have moved from blue states for cheap real estate. Step up, libtards, you got the money from selling your house in California.

Step up!

Harlis Brown’s 1975 Skylark at The Dairy Bar

It’s classic car day at the Dairy Bar – which normally means Harlis Brown and his 1975 Skylark – but they keep trying at the Dairy Bar to get people there. So stop by for a burger and a shake and look, again, at the Skylark.

Six skydivers – trying to break a record for lowest parachute deployment – smashed into the ground on the Eagleville farm of Mary Landis. The drop zone flight originated from Nashville. There were no survivors… (beat)… And, if I may editorialize… idiots.

If kids like candy then grown men like Bourbon – and this weekend the Bourbon will be flowing like candy at the Annual Rutherford County Dry County Drukening, in which the dry county laws are dropped so that good Christian folks of this county can chug-a-fuckin;-lug and drink and drink and get drunk and drunk.

That’ll doer for another day.

Be good, Eagleville, and we’ll catch you tomorrow…

Sam