… alone in an abandoned dingy on inishkeel… turned out, it tweren’t abandoned, Portnoo beach dweller name o Ailbhe called it home…

… gentle wizened soul, let me stay da noight, promised not to eat me… also agreed to run me out to Inishkeel da next day, if da weather be fair…

… dat noight, we shared a bottle o’Shanahans at d’Ardara pub, next morn had a massive hangover, so Ailbhe give me one o’his “special fags” to smoke, said i’d feel right as starboard in no time… made me head spin a bit n me eyes all fuzzy-like…

… as we headed cross Gweebara Bay toward Inishkeel, Ailbhe took da shape o’Medusa, wit snakes roun his head all hissin at me…

… seals come up to greet us on da port side, one poked his head out da water n began singin dat fookin “friday” song… dis truly were a mystical journey…

… when we landed on da rocky shores, i lept out da dingy n plunged me fingers into da sand, kissin it, suckin on its teet so dat i may drink of its truths…

… da rest is a blur, only images…

… i tink i repaired a thatched roof on a dilapidated house… fought off a swarm of angry gulls…

… saw baby Jamie standin on da beach, but as soon as he caught soight o’me he run like a faucet… i cried out for him, tried to give chase, but me legs become enveloped in da sand…

… wit Ailbhe nowhere to be found, n da tide risin like a phoenix, i was as doomed as a magdalene laundry girl…

… fell on me back n wept like a wounded priest…

… bakin in da sun, i felt a tug at me legs… couldn’t believe me eyes upon seein– a selkie, extricatin me from da sand, she of ethereal beauty… and strong fookin arms…

… she freed me legs, den kneeled o’er me… sunlight tru her seal brown hair, transcendent exquisiteness…

… she press her lips to mine, a kiss which transported me spirit, brought me d’enlightenment i been searchin for… she pressed her lower blubber to me happy zone, caressed me selkie-smoo chest like no udder… never had i been more aroused…

… she pulled away, i opened me eyes… t’weren’t a selkie at all… it were Ailbhe!… fookin Ailbhe!!…

… he lunged in for seconds, but i rolled away just in da nick, den run off screamin down da beach…

… after vomitin into a lobster pot for tree hours, i rung me dwarf Aidan n me manager Donal, demanded dey pick me up in da chopper, ASAP…

… me Roan Inish… it failed me, cast me out like yesterday’s fish guts… had to get to Dublin, to kiss an actual woman wit unrestrained passion…

… sadness consumed me as i lifted off in da chopper, gazin down upon da majesty o’Roan Inishkeel… realized me journey o’discovery took me full circle roun to m’self… me sniffin me epiphany… and it be stiffin me… da sad i felt was nothin five hot Thai models couldn’t dispel…

… Thai models… dey giveth, but all dey takes away is da pain…

Seamus
Follow @SeamusIsLove