What's in store for you this month? The Produce know!

Broccoli (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 1)

Somebody is wearing the wrong dentures and I'm not talking about the Kumquats. That's right, Broccolis, those chompers in your mouth are somebody elses. Try to be discrete, rinse them off and return them before the nurses think you're loco in the heado. Don't be ashamed. It happens to everybody. Just don't let it happen again. It's going to rain on the 17th, so double on your Ben Gay on that damn rheumatic knee of yours.

Artichoke (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 2)

A son you never knew you had is going to pay you a visit on the 13th and then a follow up on the 27th. DON'T WRITE HIM A CHECK! He is not your son but yet another con artist trying to take advantage of your decaying mind. Have ice cream on the 3rd, 12th and 20th, it will make you feel like your still out there living a little.

Kumquat (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 3)

Shame on you Kumquats! You thought you could get away with it. Selling your medicine to children at the high school is not only illegal, it just sets a bad example and makes old people look like low life hoodlums. If you're back is not bothering you enough to take your medication give it ol' Joe down the hall. He's been hurting mighty bad lately.

Cabbage (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 4)

Who is Patty? And why do you keep sending her letters? You don't know anyone named Patty. She's not your daughter, your friend or your doctor... get a grip! On the 18th you're going to get some bad news. It's not about your health (frankly, you're as strong as an ox this month), it's about your son and his pending divorce. Let's just say your monthly upkeep check is going to get cut in half. But you're strong. You can live on shredded wheat. YOUR father did.

Crenshaw Melon (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 5)

Who is that weird woman that always hangs out around your window? Whatever she's been telling you is a lie. She didn't grow a 20 lb. tomato or win the Miss America pageant in 1955. She wants something from you but the Melon is cloudy this month and I can't see what she wants. Tomorrow, just call her liar and send her packing. Good lottery numbers: 6, 13, 27, 28, 31, 49.

Zucchini (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 6)

Did you see what Regis did last night on "Millionaire"? God, is he a hoot or what. Don't bother with any distractions outside of television. Television is your friend all month and you should not betray your friend. Real life really sucks this month, so fall into that wonderful world of the boob tube. They'll smile at you and give you great ideas for recipes and tell you sports scores and even have a few jokes to tell you at the end of the night. Embrace that tube. It's all you've got right now.

Pineapple (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 7)

Somebody is ready for a little roll in the hay. Ladies, that dampness in your pants in not urine and men, that battle of the bulge in your pants is what the kids call "Morning wood". It's time to get a little frisky this month. You remember how. Think how easy it was during the war. You have the energy of 50 year old. Don't waste it on backgammon. In two weeks it'll be over and may not return. Now... GO!

Rutabaga (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 8)

I told you to stop scratching! Now you have to see someone about that. Sometimes I think you Rutabagas just disobey me to get my attention. Well, it's not going to work. The Pineapples are getting laid this month. All you're getting is scab ointment. Wise up!

Alfalfa Sprout (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 9)

You'll be getting compliments on your flowers on the 7th and 12th of this month. You've really done a wonderful job with your flower box. Don't stop watering. Don't stop eating. Please take your medicine. Things are looking up. Two of your grandchildren will be calling you on your birthday! Don't bore them with stories from when you were in school. Ask them if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Ask them what kind of music they like. Ask them about their lives. Don't bore them with yours. That's how you make a good friend who wants to hear your stories.

Banana (last 2 digits of birth year reduce to 0)

Start writing. I want you to put down everything you can remember from the 1950s. This is an assignment and you must complete it. All the happiness, the sadness, the romance, the breakups... I want you to write about everything from the 1950s. Remember? That was when everything was right in the world.