May 2012 – Behind the Proscenium

May 25, 2012

Men In Black 3 [REVIEW]

Men In Black 3

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Men In Black.

They took my great-grandparents’ out to a field.

Then in the head brain shot.

Dead.

Not funny.

Fucking Nazis.

Then movie times.

“Men In Black” sprays on Finland.

Funny?

Hells to the yeah!

Aliens!

Crashes!

Fresh Prince!

“Men In Black 2”? Nice. Not necessary.

Saw it three times while feeling up the boob of Anita Krakhousenen (her boobs were for to make the manhood mine – and then some! Until this day I will remember… more than a handful).

To say that “Men in Black 3″ is the best installment in the trilogy, there is only that we are moving briskly.

Plot? Maybe.

It all starts in a maximum security prison located on the Moon.

Boris Boglodite, fearsome creature played by Jermaine Clement, managed to escape and return to Earth with the goal of death of Constable K (Tommy Lee Jones), which put him in the nuts (THE NUTS!) in the late 60s, and the enslavement of our planet.

To achieve his goals, he uses a machine to explore time and changes the course of history.

Faced with the catastrophic consequences of acts of Boris, Agent J (Will Smith) has only one solution – to turn the plunge and find themselves pushed in 1969 to try to put things in order.

If Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have with an infection joy their respective archetypes (the cool talkative and taciturn cranky), a third actor they blithely steals the show through an irresistible performance.

This is Josh Brolin, who was the George Bush and Oliver Stone plays here an Agent K the younger. Via a hilarious imitation of Tommy Lee Jones, a game of mimicry and an amazing little help cosmetic, the illusion is perfect.

So, in your face!

Now my stoner brain is in crisis.

Josh Brolin in this movie? Or greatest actor Tommy Lee Jones making me think that Josh Brolin is the Tommy Lee Jones?

Son of a bitch.

This movie is hard.

Who is who?

What the hell?

The good rises so high that right here there is only a high five given. To myself.

You are left to hang.

Favorite for me is the alien freak show. From their time of the 60s (and some 70s) we find a passion for laughing at the past.

Now is so cool. The past is for crap.

We have neck beards now and are the hip!

Everything before 2005 is a joke for on the farting!

I’m so fucking cool. I’m wearing a fedora!

Sorry. The Lemon Stank Weed throws me on a tangent.

“Men In Black 3” was cool.

Why do I let Hollywood rile me so?

I still wait for “Prometheus.”

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. HAAAAA!!!! American Idol!!!! I called it 10 weeks ago!!!!! WGWG#5!!!!!! Vidar, you can suck it!!!!! Phillip Phillips is the motherfucking man!!! If Dave Mathews dies…

May 18, 2012May 18, 2012

Battleship [REVIEW]

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

May 11, 2012May 11, 2012

Dark Shadows [REVIEW]

Dark Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Readers, forgive me.

Last week, The Avengers.

Oops.

I was again the drunk and did not review that awesome piece of shit.

How so?

My FinnBro (Pekka) and I did the drink on Nashville!

So many the pukes out of my mouth.

Then Pekka puked on the ice.

Partied like a star, then the falling and the hospital.

My fault Phoenix is in the Western Conference Finals.

Never to drink again. Until tomorrow!

Pekka, I take the bad!

Damn!

Damn, again!

Thanks, Hollywood.

When, as a child, I would exist – the loving of Barnabas Collins every afternoon.

Then, for we of the werewolf love, had Quentin. I wanted to grow up to a werewolf.

Cool.

Show was AWESOME!

Now, WTF?!?

I don’t hate “Dark Shadows.” There is some love.

Michelle Pfeiffer… HOT!

Eva Green… HOT.

Chloe Mortetz… HOT, but not legal for 5 more years.

Then a movie. I don’t care.

Once again, seventies are funny. Come on!

Burton, I crap in your eye.

This is the best funny movie Tim Burton has done since “Big Fish.”

But again, what the fjord?.

Old jokes are old. New jokes are old.

I want to like, but with a lack of laughing, what the hell?

Time for the Burton – Depp break-up.

Though, the happening of this is never.

Man, the Kossu is running out.

Therefore, I have nothing left to say.

“Dark Shadow” will be on my big screen in August. My pipe is full of the sweet weed.

Now is the time for us who love cinema to rage!

Do not throw poop at us like a monkey!

We are human.

We want to see the cinema that is good!

Come on!

Come on.

I am now escorted to a place where I can relax. One day, movies will be fun again.

No, probably never. Damn.

For now, I leave you with this: Go and see “Dark Shadows”.

Why not? Get drunk. Smoke some green. Time goes by.

Who gives a shit?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Summer again. Now time for summer brain cancer. Fuck.