With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
Nothing can bring the fear.
Nothing like the season of the fjord.
We are not lucky (unlucky) in fjords.
We are not Norway.
Sweden not, too, as well (Swedes are pussies so this is in the OK zone).
Yet the tragedy comes. Like winter.
More family drowning while trying to defeat cod.
The cod fight so hard, the winning may never happen.
Yet, I will eat their deep fried flesh. And the herring’s picked bodies.
I am a Finn.
I will fight the fish.
And I will eat.
Why all of this?
Another Mustonenen down. In the drink. Davey Jones’ locker, breathing water until the end.
Sadness makes my brain say “Hells no, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, when my family has a dead member. Bradley Cooper is still an asshole. And Jennifer Lawrence cannot be lusted after without Jesus being bummed. Thanks for the cock block Jesus.”
So, “Lincoln.”
Plot? Are you giving me the kids?
In the Middle Ages, America chose its leader by height. Lincoln was taller than hell. So he became King of America.
Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis) used his height to look down (like a God) and could somehow read the thoughts of those who were his enemies/friends.
Except he married The Flying Nun before she became annoying (retards, look up the reference).
Finally, America likes her. They really, really like her. But she is a bitch ass shrew. With hair from “Star Wars – Episode 4” (if you’re a nerd who has never kissed a girl or tasted a teat – to real people just damn “Star Wars”).
Anyway, the tallest man in America (who always had a helium suck before talking – squeak – where was James Earl Jones?) held the cards for political poker.
Then the entire movie started to seem like “Midnight Poker” on ESPN. With fake facial hair that could an automobile be purchased.
Luckily, an alcoholic puff-ball named James Spader showed up to make me want to have the drinking of the Kossu and the sweet, sweet smoke.
I had both.
And Tommy Lee Jones had the best hair in the America since Phil Spector. Yet there were no restaurant deaths. Too bad. His love for his woman made things boring.
So, tons of bad hair of the face.
Sweet Jesus, has nothing advanced since “Gettysburg” (worst face hair ever!)?
And casting Bruce McGill… genius, if only for his appearance in best history ever, “FDR: American Badass.” My world would have been completed if he only said, face to camera – “He’s Abraham Lincoln, motherfucker!”
Steven Spielberg has no balls. I believe they belong to Amy Irving.
Thumbs? Pretty damn up. Daniel Day-Lewis plays tall better than any man since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in “Game of Death.”
I truly in my mind believe that the tallest man (so the greatest man) in America was Abraham Lincoln. He allowed black people to talk and kung-fu Bruce Lee in the chest.
It is a weave that does tangle that American cinema weaves.
My mind is mush. I go back and forth between great cinema and another Finnish family death.
Oh well, Finland can take it in the anal pore. I am an American now and forever. And if tall people rule – well, then Daniel Day-Lewis is my leader forever. He stayed up late and told stories.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. “Game of Thrones” in three, maybe four months. My excitement hurts. Winter is coming! If my words have no meaning then your mind is potato. Seriously.