I, Frankenstein
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
The cinema is big and of beautiful.
So is life.
But life is realer.
Can it be more real than when Olli, my beloved old brother, had two weeks ago his life mud suddenly stop in his heart, with heart pain, almost become a time for him to party with Jesus?
THAT is realer than real.
Olli lives, but no more bacon and Kossu.
The hearing of this almost made my life mud stop.
No bacon or Kossu is not for a happy living.
It is not life at all.
Like “I, Frankenstein” is not a movie at all.
No.
Too many movie films are just like my Friday nights – I take the sweet, sweet smoke then I slurp the lovely Kossu into my stomach place followed by Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos.
Then I watch my goddamn roommate (Brad, you are not goddamned if you stop eating my peanut butter, OK?) play “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” on the X-box because my hands are too wasted for playing.
When I watch the game “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” I think my eyeballs see “Underworld” or “Underworld VI” or any in between for there are many.
But I am wrong.
And Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale.
And that gives me the sadness.
Plot? Uh, sure.
Frankenstein (Aaron Eckhart again) is still the Frankenstein we remember.
This lasts for a minute.
While digging a grave he finds a demon disco and the demons want his ass. Stoner gargoyles make him saved!
Then gargoyles (with Amanda Otto leader) and demons (with Shaun’s stepfather Bill Nighy) are said to be in epic fight (definitely not vampires and werewolves, that would be unoriginal!) that has lasted through history and longer than the runtime of this shit storm film.
Or so it feels.
Then to the now. Terra (Yvonne Strahovski) is playing with rats – it is Hollywood, am I right?!?
BAM!!!
And the rat playing is in a laboratory above Dead Demons Who Need Souls Disneyland.
And the demons want Frankenstein’s secret for his perfect jaw. The gargoyles don’t think demons should have jaws of perfection.
Epic battles follow. Who wins?
Wait two months and see this on Netflix. Of if it makes the large bags of money cash, see the next 5 Frankenstein films if you have nothing in your life worth doing.
Dear Hollywood: Just because you say demons are not vampires and gargoyles are not lycans and give the same funny face make-up and bad CGI to movies with darkness and creepy electronic music does not make you original.
Sometimes, there needs be something new – called this new thing is in Finland called A STORY.
The story must be for the first time telling. The otherwise, you have nothing but steaming poop.
Steaming poop that we have seen.
Steaming poop that is losing its steam.
And without steam, poop is just a pile of “I, Frankenstein.”
So, two thumbs that don’t want to be around cold poop.
Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale. But then, there is no other Kate Beckinsale to be had – this is truth.
I have watched this video game before.
On my TV.
Played by my roommate Brad.
With better graphics.
And more original story, even when all I do is suck my Cheetos, gargle my Kossu, and breathe the smoke.
Heaven, really, on earth and my apartment. But not in the cinema.
There is nothing there but my butt getting sore.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Dear Olli, if this is for you to read, tell me: Is life really the life without bacon? When your life mud stopped for that time in your muscle heart, did you see Uncle Jaarko? And if so, is he still mad that I owe him money? Tell me the truth, right in to my ear. It can be taken.
P.P.S. “The Returned” is creepy cool – because it is French no doubt. French are creepy cool that way. And red-head French twins (when legal) are hot, Hot, HOT!!! See it, if you are daring.
P.P.P.S. Brad, if on a peanut butter purchase today, get on the crunchy. Creamy is for the weak.
