Billy Slaughter – Behind the Proscenium

August 10, 2012

The Campaign [REVIEW]

The Campaign

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Oh, Hollywood.

I see you now – the game where my brain is turning to crazy.

I had surrendered already, a white waving of the flag saying “Hollywood, there is nothing expected – stink up the theater and I will write the words… I have no choice. I have nothing in me left to fight.”

Then comes what was never to happen again, or so said my mind thoughts.

Something fun (I needed none of the sweet smoke!).

Something original (no Kossu shots needed, although I had five – habit, and that stuff makes me awesome).

I did not leak from my eyes the salty pain tears.

No.

I saw “The Campaign.”

First, I must speak truth: I thought it was a documentary.

George W. Bush vs. a more hairy Barney Frank.

Then more soberness came to me (alas, it always does).

Will Ferrell has been a Bush. He is acting!

Barney Frank with facial bush is Zach Galifianakis. More acting!

With mincing. More later.

Plot? Yes!

Cam Brady (Ferrell) is a congress person from the north of Carolina.

He is a dick, yet is unbeatable in his mind.

Until rich guys want to bring Chinato Americaso they get maybe gay Marty Huggins (Galifianakis) to run.

A baby gets facially punched, the best actor in “The Artist” (Augie!) is brutalized.

But funny.

Baby face punching is funny, America! And for the first time – I think.

Dog brutalization, less funny.

Marty acts like he has the gay, but it is the subject never talked on

He wears sweaters of the Cosby style. He talks the lisp. We never speak of it.

Cam is “W” (with a much lower body count), but that isn’t talked on, too.

There is much that is distasteful humor to those who think they have the taste. They do not have the taste.

They just have a stick directly up the butt.

This is some funny shit (again, no bong hits prior to the screening – this is NOT a lie!).

This is a summer movie that makes the summer.

No, it is not “Shark Night 3D.” That was greatness.

This is the funniness.

I can now sit though “The Expendables 2” or (Odin, kill me if I am assigned the seeing of this) “Sparkle.”

But for now, I smile the smile of a happy smile right on my face.

Thank you, “The Campaign.”

So, two thumbs chuckling and (with a guffaw or three) pointing in the air. Although no smoke was in my mind, I recommend it to you.

With the wonderful smoke popcorn tastes better, ice cream is colder, and the film is only 85 minutes of length.

You will still be high when you sneak into the next theater, accidentally, and are watching “Hope Springs.” You will need to be high to sit through that crap. Trust me.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I raise my glass to my mouth to drink to Tuuli Petaja! Finland’s only medal in London! In sailing! Huh. Sailing. Yep. Just you bastard laughing people wait until the Winter Olympics. Our greatness will be like a foot in your ball sack!

P.P.S. Who will be the winning one on “The Glee Project” finale? Does anybody care? Does Ryan Murphy care?

P.P.P.S. Kristen Stewart is a slut! I am so proud of her! Is it because her boobs fly free in her next film (“On The Road”)? I am wanting to see that so hard! Has anyone said that about her before? I don’t think so (Twi-tards not included).

May 18, 2012May 18, 2012

Battleship [REVIEW]

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

August 26, 2011

Colombiana [REVIEW]

“Colombiana”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

1992.

Colombia (cocaine, not District of).

The little nine-year Cataleya witnessed the murder of her parents. She manages to escape the slaughter with difficulty and takes refuge in the United States with Emilio, her mobster uncle.

(My mobster uncle was Jarkko – he drowned in a Norwegian fjord smuggling high proof liquor. No movies for Jarkko. Why Norway, Jarkko, why?)

Fifteen years later, she is working for him as a hit-person. Your business card, an orchid drawn on the chest of their victims is a message to the murderers of their parents, because Cataleya’s determination to take her revenge to its logical conclusion.

Even if it means sacrificing everything she loves.

Exactly like James Caan in “Thief”. But with a worse soundtrack (Tangerine Dream FTW!)

Written and produced by Luc Besson, “Colombiana” is one of those crappy ass movies that proves the French film a commercial for American coinage.

Or “The Birdcage” – but much less gay.

With an international cast, led by Zoe Saldana, Jordi Moll and Cliff Curtis, “Colombiana” has a technical bill as carefully as the rest of the production of Besson.

I stand by that statement.

The plot is predictable and tend to be known by all who read bestsellers or industrial enjoy thrillers which today are content to nurture the multiplex.

Zoe Saldana portrays Cataleya Restrepo, a girl so beautiful and smart (but no longer blue… I see you! “Avatar”, you lump heads… ), whose fortunes changed from a tragedy: her parents were murdered in Bogotá by order of a vicious drug dealer. Well mannered drug dealers are not so bad from what I hear.

Since then, Cataleya has learned to handle all types of weapons with two very different purposes.

On the one hand, shines the minions who work in the service of her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis).

For another, she spends her free time to settle criminals hoping to find the one that killed their parents, like we all would do, but less pretty.

In short, we have here yet another version of vigilante cool, capable of sacrificing one’s neighbor without entirely losing morality.

Otherwise, there is some relationship between this heroin and other Cataleya invented years ago by Besson: Nikita!

As usual in such films, the atmosphere is a key element. Since the filming took place between Paris, Chicago,Miami,New Orleans and Mexico City, is not surprising that the most characteristic of each of these urban environments come to light in the display.

Of the cities. For our eyeballs.

The director, Olivier Megaton, Olivier Fontana is really called, is part of the Team Besson since he directed “Transporter 3” (poop pile).

For more signs, was also the second unit director of “Hitman” (poop pile), which gives us the key to his specialty: persecutions, parkour (French people climbing walls like tweekers), shootings and, ultimately, all these more or less frenetic sequences that characterize the genre that we occupies.

Summary: Zoe Saldana is a fox.

“Columbiana”, though made by people who make poop piles, is not a poop pile. WHAT?!

One thumb has a stiffie, the other is neutral, like Switzerland without the snobbery.

Netflix for sure.

Save your money for Apollo 18. At the trailer, I made my own poop pile… a poop pile for good!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. September 20^th brings us new Glee. Lindsay, don’t let me down.