Brent Skagford – Behind the Proscenium

June 28, 2013

White House Down [REVIEW]

White House Down

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Hollywood has hit me in my surprise place.

How is this possible?

I have large Hollywood knowledge – it cannot sneak up on myself.

But it did.

“Olympus Has Fallen Over” was released to us in March. It is June and the remake is already out!

Surprise!!!

A movie film that made $93 million is for to be a new movie costing $150 million in making.

Hollywood is smart.

“White Houses Downer” jumped from Roland Emmerich’s head and onto the screen with a splatter.

Bummer to me? Sure – but at least I didn’t have to review “The Heat” – flaming pain death would be better than that.

Or a kick to the ball sack.

Plot? Sure.

“White Houses Downer” is another “Die Hard” in the White House.

Django (Jamie Foxx) is as President Obama. He is for the quipping and is cool. Mike the Magician (Channing Tatum) is John McClane, with shoes.

There is a kid stuffed with cute. Hans Gruber (Who Cares) is running wild after falling from Nakatomi Plaza. Argyle (Nicolas Wright) has with a promotion now tours for the White House (not a downer, nor falling over) and is somehow whiter.

Maggie Gyllenhall looks more for the weird than ever (impossible! Yet true… would still do her if drunk).

Now (drums roll with excitement) – summer action movie roll-call… BEGIN!

CGI explosions: Here, sir!

CGI buildings falling down: Here, sir!

CGI car chases: Here, sir!

CGI aircraft: Here, sir!

Two dimensional characters: Here, sir!

Interesting thought inducing story:

Oh, shit.

Not here.

Ever.

Damn.

Where have you gone, Steven Seagal? You were never “just the cook.” Your “Die Hard” was better than this “Die Hard.” And on a boat.

And Magic Mike – why? Lucky for you there is more clothes than the last movie where you wear a mere banana hammock.

Terrorists could easily have defeated you in your budgie smugglers.

You have the muscles for wearing the nut huggers, but when defeating bad guys, the packed lunch is not to be out front.

Good job Magic Mike.

So… my thumbs know not what they have to do. I stayed awake. Is that good?

Maybe there is a yes – but the movie had so much loud ka-bang that not even the dead could stay asleep.

My butt did not hurt. But, again, the ka-bang made my seat into magic fingers that caressed my gluteus nicely with love.

I still had yearnings for the sweet, sweet smoke (I’m for the cutting down of it – to many munchies making me Mr. Fat Finn) but not so much that I cried for “White Houses Downer” to end.

See it if you missed “Olympus Has Fallen Over.”

Or have so much time for wasting that your life is a worthless pile. Then see the thing. That is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Under the Dome” is the shit. A cow was cut in to two pieces. There was teenager sexing, plane explosions and death. How to be perfection? Acting lessons. And maybe Malin Akerman’s little sister. She is candy in my eye. Make it so, CBS. Now.

September 7, 2012September 7, 2012

The Words [REVIEW]

The Words

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

For the critic of the film there is always the hope, “please Odin, let this be the one.

The great film of the year!”

Then the thoughts crawl into the reality space and think “at least be the one that entertains my brain and makes me think of the movie and not running with the screams out of the theater.”

Then the thoughts go to “please don’t let this movie be a fart in my mouth hole – I hope I put another bottle of Kossu in the freezer, just in case.”

Finally the thoughts are “Odin, if you end my life now at least the pain won’t last like that of “Transformers 3” – do I need sweet smoke from the dispensary to dull the horror ache and so I can also soothe my hurt with Cheetos?”

Crappy honest truth: 1^st thoughts happen 2% of time, 2^nd thoughts 10%, 3^rd thoughts 65%, and 4^th thoughts 23% (Intern – add up the numbers. I’m so high). The ratio is never to be betted on, yet I still take this paycheck.

I am a reviewer.

Today’s film? “The Words.”

“The Word” would have been better because it is shorter. But know, we are to suffer on “The Words.”

Plot? Too much. But like a Ukrainian nesting doll in the backwards. And not interesting, but not so bad for a fart in the mouth hole (my new ratings system!).

Spoiler Alerts!

We make start with the inside doll. An American soldier (Ben Barnes) who falls in love with a French barmaid (Nora Arnezeder) after one of the World Wars.

But this story is contained in doll #2 (number two – this is related to the fart) which is about Rory Jansen (Bradley Cooper – douche, but not like Shia) who writes a book that an award is put on, “The Window Tears.” Then another doll! The outside-est of the dolls.

This story is in the story of Clay Hammond (Dennis Quaid) and his book “The Words” (so clever!).

Olivia Wilde is involved, and doesn’t get naked. This made me sad.

BUT, in the #2 fart doll, Rory didn’t the writing of the book! Holy shit! Here comes Jeremy Irons!

Rory is in the big trouble.

End spoilers!

Go ahead and follow through on the spoiler reading. Then when the girlfriend makes you with eyes open watch this you can still sleep with your brain off.

Or think of the nakedness of Olivia Wilde that is not seen.

Whatever is for the floating of your boat.

For me, two thumbs just sitting like thumbs… thumbs staring at each other thinking “what the hell, thumb?”

Luckily for Kimmo, I found a Kossu flask in my jacket while this inside doll took up the screen. It was mostly full for 45 seconds, then mostly empty.

“The Words” was better for about 20 minutes.

Better yet? 3 hits of the sweet, sweet “Blue Dream” smoke.

And popcorn.

With that, one more brain attack by “Transformers 3′ can be handled.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Finally, that little mariachi elf from “America’s Got Talent” is gone. My hatred for him burned like white hot steel inside the Finnish sun on fire. It defined my existence. Without the elf and the hate my life is nothing. Until “The Voice.” Christina has the big ones. Two of them. Kimmo like.

November 11, 2011November 11, 2011

Immortals [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo on Kino, Immortals, Tarsem Singh, Charley Parlapanides, Vlas Parlapanides, Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto, Luke Evans, John Hurt, Joseph MOrgan, Anne Day-Jones, Greg Bryk, Alan Van Sprang, Peter Stebbings, Daniel Sharman, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz, Steve Byers, Stephen McHattie, Matthew G. Taylor, Romano Orzari, Corey Sevier, Conrad Pla, Neil Napier, Tyrone Beneskin, Abdul Ayoola, Dylan Smith, Robert Naylor, Mercedes Leggett, Kaniehtiio Horn, Ayisha Issa, Danny Blanco Hall, Robert Maillet, Alain Chanoine, Edward Yankie, Gage Munroe, Aron Tomori, Marcella Bezina, Roc La Fortune, Jade Larocque, Charlie Duret, Alisha Nagarsheth, Makayla Jade McManus-Legett, Madison McAleer, Zelia Mouana-Bankouezi, Andre Kasper Kolstad, Tyler Hynes, Carlo Mestroni, Chantal Simard, Brent Skagford, Jason Cavalier, Kevin Kelsall, Patrick Sabongui, Samuel Platel, Lise Sita, Francise LaFreniere, Shyrelle Yates, John Churchill, Austin Beauchamp, Jimmy Duperval, Randy Herman, Emilie Paquet, Robbie Brenner, Mark Canton, Jason Felts, Craig J. Flores, Ogden Gavanski, Tony Grazia, Ken Halsband, Ryan Kavanaugh, Jamie Marshall, Gianni Nunnari, Rene Rigal, Nico Soultanakis, Tucker Tooley, Tommy Turtle, Jeff Waxman, Trevor Morris, Brendan Galvin, Wyatt Jones, Stuart Lew, Andrew Kenyon, Tom Foden, Jille Azis, Eiko Ishioka, Ken Diaz, Daniel Auclair, Ken Halsband, Christopher Kulikowski, Dana Reaves Bolla, Michael R. Sloan, Alexandre Bernard, Angele Gagnon, Chanel Lavoie, Jamie Marshall, Julien Pratte, Evelyne Renaud, Michael Viglietta, Wade Barnett, Nicolas Becker, Ric Schnupp, Alain Berard, Artie Malesci, Garrett Warren, Max White, Geoffroy Beauchernin, Tom Gibbons, Markus Czyzewski, Danny Elhaj, Ian Broucek, Amber Asaro, Brent Beath, Hank Bedford, Maggy Belzile, Kim Berner, Taylor Black, Christina Buchli, Gerrard Coffey, Tana David, Nicolas Fafard-Trudel, Andree-Anne Faucher, Cristina Fuller, Sonia Garcha, Etienne Geoffrion, Brandon Gold, Silvy Kim, Michael Lippman, Josianne Mailloux, Marr Morgan, Caroline Morissette, Jean-Charles Myrand, Eva Quiroz, Marlaine Reiner, Ryan Ross, Marc Salouze, Esteban Sanchez, Mona Sishodia, Justine Winkler, Evagelia Zouliatis

“The Immortals”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“The Immortals” is crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

That is my review.

But the editor says I must write more words than “crap.”

O.K. – it is also turd sandwich in… 3D!

Story?

We have in a long time ago, the Greek gods defeated the Titans. They locked the creatures in a prison deep in a mountain.

In a later era wants King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke – creepy!) encounter the gods from their thrones – and to release the Titans.

Necessary to the Epirus-bow (huh?) he wants to help with the visions of the Oracle (see Freida Pinto. I saw her. A tent was pitched.).

On his expedition he also lays the village of slave Theseus (Henry Cavill) to rubble, killing his mother. We will find you do NOT kill the slave baby momma.

Obsessed with revenge wants, Theseus’s death to place on Hyperion. Help comes not only from the Oracle and some warriors (including Stephen Dorff – really), but by god Zeus (Luke Evans), who has for years stood by him in the guise of an old man (John Hurt).

Totally makes sense.

Now, however, Zeus has forbidden the other gods on Olympus to interfere in the war of the people. They should do it alone, led by Theseus. This is misleading in intent.

Never effin’ happened!

Why not now make the Nativity movie with the Amish and showgirls and talking goats? I would see that movie.

Instead of Amish, showgirls, and the goats we get “The Immortals”.

There is so much to love about the movie – the costumes by Eiko Ishioka, the excessive violence, the über-hot Freida Pinto.

And that is all. So not so much.

But it all comes together never close to completely correct, it remains as a spectator weird creep whereby lengths and accepts it all with a shrug.

To get to the point: If you liked the slightly less shit-storm (equally stylized) “300”, this was cooked for you.

You are so bold as to be cool. In your tiny mind.

It is self-explanatory, that this world never looks realistic.

It begins with these goddamn cliffs.

Almost every village, every temple seems built on a cliff. This looks even nice, but again and again – is monotone.

There is also the practical question: Is it really safe to go to the temple from the house, on a footpath, which is three feet wide, has no railings and where, at the slightest misstep, hundreds of yards into the ocean you splat?!?

Just think of children playing. Drunks. Old people. Drunk old children. Epileptics.

That question should be immediately banned from the head – there are no epileptics in “The Immortals”. Like so many others movies.

The shit continues – about how useful it is for the army of evil, to bear such huge helmets, they can’t wipe the ass-crack, let alone fight (and wiping is not as hard as fighting – unless there is much cheese ingestion).

Or why the Greeks the Oracle stupidly deflower (although deflowering Freida Pinto is never stupid, as long as we see her naked).

These and many other discrepancies plaguing the film.

They didn’t even release the Kraken (I yell this during bowel movements)!

I could write more of a response, but I’m too with depression.

Would it, in a better universe, then had “The Immortals”, the makings of a truly great film?

Only good (other than previously talked Freida Pinto – Ass of a Goddess! This would be better movie, too) Mickey Rourke enjoys evil-being, even if he was mumbling and muttering and one does hardly understands.

But ultimately crap – this one goes in the mouth, is chewed, relies on the 3D glasses, swallowed, admired the vision of director, digested, you buy ticket, and the film is shat onto the screen.

Did I mention it was crap?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, I don’t need you! Lindsay Pearce is Snow White in “A Snow White Christmas” at the El Portal in North Hollywood,CA. Kyrle, get me a ticket! I will follow her home (NOT! Being serious! I want no crimes committed.). I will just beg for her love at the stage door. Keep open for updates!

P.P.S. Joe Paterno, if you hear little children are being diddled you go to the police when the diddling is told. Good job, JoePa! Fucking asshole.