Chelah Horsdal – Behind the Proscenium

The Cabin In The Woods

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Previews.”

“Trailers” (as in the industry the name is whispered).

“Coming Attractions” to the elderly who are always cold and cry at the loudness of noise (and smell like liver sausage, if lucky).

No matter the calling of the things, they are evil.

Ruining movies is the job of them.

Show every damn good thing to see in 2 minutes 30 seconds.

Just like “The Cabin In The Woods”, right?

No!

The opposite of right!

A horror movie that was totally whack (get it?)! People over 30 – that means it was good, in Finland.

Plot?

Who cares!

In the woods go the nubile teenagers.

Creepy local dude.

Pot (not mine – kossu shots only this night, right Kyrle?). Oh, with guys at Mission Control…MISSION CONTROL?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?

Then nudity.

Crazy crap happens.

Death of people.

Boobs.

Funny jokes.

More pot.

Cellar that should below Rob Zombie’s house live.

And real zombies. This is the shit. Truly.

How can I blather without spoilers? Cannot happen.

So this. This acting rules the world of acting.

Any film of horror with Richard Jenkins (he was awesome in “Let Vampires In Your House”) must be eye balled.

Teamed him with Bradley Whitford? Best horror ever.

The boobs of Anna Hutchison? If there was Boob Acting award she just won two (or does the pair count as one? My mind reels.). Especially with her tonguing of the ex-wolf.

Lucky ex-wolf.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) should be allowed to live (until stinking pile “The Avengers” is released – then the fatwa is back in force).

Then arrives the Kimmo alter-ego, played by Fran Kranz. He smokes the pot almost with as much puffing as me. Clouds were created. Warping of minds – and a bong that made me smile.

My respect is his. And my jealousy.

Finally, there is the hot, hot, hot Kristen Connolly (if by hot in English means “looks weird but I still got a boner”). She would be worthy of a date by a warrior-blood filled man… me.

I would ask, “Do you have any Finn in you?” “No” she says. Then I would say, “Would you like some?”

I laugh at my joke! Works every time (except for the times of failure).

Side note: Japanese couple who must buy entire snack bar to watch a movie – divide the fucking food up before you enter the theater. Then your gaping mouth holes don’t have to flap and flap and flap, pissing off all the people in the ten foot hearing area of your grating voices. If the Norse Gods would have had a say you would now be below Midgard and being in Hel tortured. Kind of like the movie you could not stay silent in and watch (jerk-offs!). I hate you (not all Japanese, just in theater talking Japanese assholes).

I feel better.

So… two thumbs sticking up as hard as my little Kimmo seeing the young doomed boobs.

M. Night Shamalyanyaynan (whatever) needs to see “The Cabin In The Woods” to know how to blow minds. The trailer tried to screw my fun place but there was more to be seen.

Ha, Hollywood! You have been defeated!

Until I have to sit though “The Lucky One” – my vomiting will be your victory.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am in great love with “Game of Thrones.” Manly love. Question – if you could be as smart as The Imp and drink wine like a wine drinking fish and get to sex up large boob-ed prostitute women (without the falling off of your dick), would you still be okay with life as a dwarf? Kimmo would! Please answer in comments below!

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, groovy 1968 gave us “Planet of the Apes”.

Awesome.

Heston and hot chick on horse. “Damn you all to hell!”

Best.

Movie.

Ever.

Now become the cult film pulled after four sequels, and in 2001 of Hollywood’s great storyteller (but mostly crap film-maker) Tim Burton film again. With Marky Mark (but no Funky Bunch).

This is now followed by “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”.

Story? Hells yes!

Will Rodman (James Franco) is a dedicated researcher who is looking for a cure for Alzheimer’s disease (shifty!). But he also has very personal reasons, after all, suffers from this is his father, Charles Rodman (John Lithgow) to the disease.

The new drugs are tested on animals – first animals? On chimpanzees (go get ’em PETA!).

The latest attempt by Will seems to be a very good direction to go, but after a catastrophic incident, the chimps must be put to this test series (did any of them see “I Am Legend“? Cures never work.).

What remains is only a freshly born baby monkeys who saves himself with Will and takes home.

Never trust baby monkeys.

The drugs that Will has given the chimp baby momma seems to have transferred to the baby and so is “Caesar” blessed with a gigantic… intelligence! Look out, Algernon (get it? Flowers? Come on, people!).

But this leads to problems over the years.

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” makes one thing exactly correct – where most seemingly come first blockbuster of the effects and then tinker around some story, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” have the opposite away.

In the center are always the story and the characters. And it is not an alibi focus shift (I need to stop drinking), but the filmmakers have really put their heart and soul into the story and you believe them, indeed, that to them this project is located at the heart – to sit (in the heart), especially, since many details of the story are simply very good (the Kossu is flowing tonight!).

James Franco is in assuming the role of the male protagonist, but the real main character is always generated by the CGI monkey Caesar. Incidentally, the inspiration for him was none other than the great motion capture performers Andy Serkis, from “Lord of the Rings”. CGI Andy totally kicks the other actors to the acting curb.

CGI monkeys > CGI people.

The adoption by Caesar’s Will Rodman (of Caesar), the subsequent rapprochement and the new family situation becomes Caesar almost like Will’s son, is told emotionally believable and touching.

The subsequent coming of age of Caesar and the burgeoning problems which arise because of his personality – well, more emotional “what?” than “Captain America“, that’s for sure!

“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” surprise here insofar as the film of the new technical opportunities only in the sense of history begins and never for mere show.

Movie was great for first part, then a cliché mess – like prison movie – except that instead of people – just trapped monkey.

And trapped monkey is sad monkey.

So, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” is good. BUT. Although the duo James Franco / John Lithgow convincing, but unfortunately all the others remain quite pale and the emotional range of Caesar played literally on the wall.

But back to the development of history: apart from the one-dimensional portrayal, there is another problem. The development of Caesar from the lovable monkey with minor problems to the great revolutionary leader seems a bit rushed. Like bad monkey community theater “A Star Is Born”. But better.

Conclusion? Two thumbs wagging (monkey-style!) upward. Not the greatest, not “The Green Lantern”. But summer fun.

And Freida Pinto. We need more of her in movies. Seriously. One and a half thumbs for Freida alone.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Crying Christian hipster (with fake glasses – dick!) gone from “The Glee Project”! Lindsay is 18, right? I hope so…

Tag: Chelah Horsdal

The Cabin In The Woods [REVIEW]

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes [REVIEW]