Chris Hemsworth – Behind the Proscenium

June 1, 2012June 1, 2012

Snow White and the Huntsman [REVIEW]

Snow White and the Huntsman

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Strange things are strange.

The expected is not reality.

The world is inside out.

Kristen Stewart can act.

I am not drunk.

I am not high.

Kristen Stewart is not only the non-suck, but damn fantastic!

The largeness of my eyeballs was for the surprise of the seeing what could not be the truth.

I saw the “Twilight” turds.

My brain is the dumber for with the seeing of them.

Now this.

Can nothing be counted on?

Plot? Eh.

“Snow White and the Huntsman” is a quite remarkable result of his ham. What can be silly or melodramatic dialogues spoil everything in the fantasy genre.

Not the case here, I say.

At least the original version here applies mostly to the right, concise tone.

How many times have you seen that the effects are working against history and starting to block everything?

Maybe I am (a little) drunk.

But as brilliant as the dwarf throng of normal height, shrunken actors is tricky, as little is the film with it.

And how often fantasy movies take on the love story to the girls something to offer – here is waived boldly on the topic of love, and in general to any psychology that goes beyond simple motivations.

But this movies motivations? Not silly.

It is Snow White and a frickin Huntsman! This is not “Citizen Kane.”

Or even the subject of my current cinematic hard-on, “Prometheus.”

And Thor was in it. Cool.

Charlize Theron? Hot. And icy.

Like a sore muscle balm, but one that is ready for the sex. No Icy-Hot on my Johnson!

Dwarves? Seven!

Had I smoked the sweet smoke I would have freaked the fuck out.

The dwarf from “Deadwood” was my the favorite. The “Roger Rabbit” dwarf was cool, too.

Back to Kristen Stewart.

What the hell?

WHAT THE HELL?

I would like to write my reviews in advance. She has put the fool on my brain.

My pre-write: “As wooden as the Pinocchio, with fish charisma, Stewart brought sleep to my face in minutes. The sound of major suckage was her acting – suck, suck, suck went Kristen Stewart.”

I cannot now use this. I must now stay awake for entire movie times.

God dammit!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Next week I review, finally, “Prometheus.” It had better be the good – or even better. The review has been for months written. Best movie ever. I am now scared. With this new knowledge, I will have to see every movie that is by me reviewed. Shit.

P.P.S. The title of “America’s Got Talent” is a lie. Title more better would be “America Is Full Of Weird People That Want On The T.V. More Than They Have Any Sense Of Shame.” Summer television. Son of a bitch.

April 13, 2012

The Cabin In The Woods [REVIEW]

The Cabin In The Woods

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Previews.”

“Trailers” (as in the industry the name is whispered).

“Coming Attractions” to the elderly who are always cold and cry at the loudness of noise (and smell like liver sausage, if lucky).

No matter the calling of the things, they are evil.

Ruining movies is the job of them.

Show every damn good thing to see in 2 minutes 30 seconds.

Just like “The Cabin In The Woods”, right?

No!

The opposite of right!

A horror movie that was totally whack (get it?)! People over 30 – that means it was good, in Finland.

Plot?

Who cares!

In the woods go the nubile teenagers.

Creepy local dude.

Pot (not mine – kossu shots only this night, right Kyrle?). Oh, with guys at Mission Control…MISSION CONTROL?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?

Then nudity.

Crazy crap happens.

Death of people.

Boobs.

Funny jokes.

More pot.

Cellar that should below Rob Zombie’s house live.

And real zombies. This is the shit. Truly.

How can I blather without spoilers? Cannot happen.

So this. This acting rules the world of acting.

Any film of horror with Richard Jenkins (he was awesome in “Let Vampires In Your House”) must be eye balled.

Teamed him with Bradley Whitford? Best horror ever.

The boobs of Anna Hutchison? If there was Boob Acting award she just won two (or does the pair count as one? My mind reels.). Especially with her tonguing of the ex-wolf.

Lucky ex-wolf.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) should be allowed to live (until stinking pile “The Avengers” is released – then the fatwa is back in force).

Then arrives the Kimmo alter-ego, played by Fran Kranz. He smokes the pot almost with as much puffing as me. Clouds were created. Warping of minds – and a bong that made me smile.

My respect is his. And my jealousy.

Finally, there is the hot, hot, hot Kristen Connolly (if by hot in English means “looks weird but I still got a boner”). She would be worthy of a date by a warrior-blood filled man… me.

I would ask, “Do you have any Finn in you?” “No” she says. Then I would say, “Would you like some?”

I laugh at my joke! Works every time (except for the times of failure).

Side note: Japanese couple who must buy entire snack bar to watch a movie – divide the fucking food up before you enter the theater. Then your gaping mouth holes don’t have to flap and flap and flap, pissing off all the people in the ten foot hearing area of your grating voices. If the Norse Gods would have had a say you would now be below Midgard and being in Hel tortured. Kind of like the movie you could not stay silent in and watch (jerk-offs!). I hate you (not all Japanese, just in theater talking Japanese assholes).

I feel better.

So… two thumbs sticking up as hard as my little Kimmo seeing the young doomed boobs.

M. Night Shamalyanyaynan (whatever) needs to see “The Cabin In The Woods” to know how to blow minds. The trailer tried to screw my fun place but there was more to be seen.

Ha, Hollywood! You have been defeated!

Until I have to sit though “The Lucky One” – my vomiting will be your victory.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am in great love with “Game of Thrones.” Manly love. Question – if you could be as smart as The Imp and drink wine like a wine drinking fish and get to sex up large boob-ed prostitute women (without the falling off of your dick), would you still be okay with life as a dwarf? Kimmo would! Please answer in comments below!

May 2, 2011May 31, 2011

Thor

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kenneth Branagh, Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz, Don Payne, J. Michael Straczynski, Mark Protosevich, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Jack Kirby, Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgard, Kat Dennings, Clark Gregg, Idris Elba, Colm Feore, Ray Stevenson, Tadanobu Asano, Josh Dallas, Jaimie Alexander, Rene Russo, Adriana Barraza, Maximiliano Hernandez, Richard Cetrone, Darren Kendrick, Joshua Cox, Justice Smith, Joseph Gatt, Luke Massy, Matthew David Ducey, Jason Camp, Buddy Sosthand, Blake Silver, Jamie McShane, Dale Godboldo, Patrick O'Brien Demsey, Jim Palmer, Seth Coltan, Ryan Schaefer, Matt Battaglia, Joel McCrary, Isaac Kappy, Juliet Lopez, Rob Mars, Carrie Lazar, Harley Graham, Alexander Wright, Hilary Pringle, Shawn-Caulin Young, Kinsey McLean, Kelly Hawthorne, Dakota Goyo, Ted Allpress, Samuel L. Jackson, Jeremy Renner, Victoria Alonso, Mike Bodkin, Louis D'Esposito, Kevin Feige, Debra James, Craig Kyle, David Maisel, Patricia Whitcher, Patrick Doyle, Haris Zambarloukos, Paul Rubell, Sarah Finn, Bo Welch, Pierre Buffin, Debra James, Ben Grayson, Grit Menzzer

Dear readers, as I am still under the weather – and still getting used to living in sunny (too sunny) and beautiful (too beautiful) Los Angeles – I am happy to, once again, allow Kimmo Mustonenen to write a guest review. Here is Kimmo with a very brilliant take on Hollywood’s newest 3D blockbuster – THOR! Go, Kimmo… Go!

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Thor

By Kimmo Mustonenen

The film follows the powerful but arrogant warrior Thor, who is diagnosed from hubris at the beginning of the film. When he puts the entire Asgard in danger as he becomes manliest and refers to the earth in which he loses all his powers and becomes merely a human being again.

To begin with, I think that Thor was a very entertaining action movie, not too many working one-liners that otherwise very often seen in American action movies. The leading role in Thor played by Chris Hemsworth is a relatively new actress with not too many films under his belt, some may recognize him from the Star Trek movie? Or A Perfect Getaway? The role of the arrogant Thor is he doing well in all cases and is looking forward to see when he takes the role of Thor again in the upcoming movie The Avengers.

The girl in this film is played by none other than Natalie Portman, as you probably memorable seen in films such as No Strings Attached or Black Swan, and soon you will be able to see her in the comedy film Your Highness. But Thor, Natalie Portman plays the role of a physicist who studies the theory that they may arise portals “wormholes” between our world and other worlds. In the midst of her studies she runs goes without saying at Thor when he is sent off to Earth and the sparks hit almost directly between the two.

Then, we must not forget the wise Anthony Hopkins, who may assume the role of Odin in the film, however, he is active only barely half the movie. But he takes the role of the strict parent who just wants best for their children very well, much better than he did with his role in the film The Rite. Last and almost least, has Stellan Skarsgård a role in the movie Thor, not the biggest but not the least, he played Eric Selva in the film is friends with Natalie Portman’s character.

One last thing about film is that it really did not need to be in 3D, there is nothing in the film directly, which brings together a “wowie” feeling just because it is 3D.

In my opinion, was the movie where as good if not better without 3D. So you went and saw the movie, arrived late and tell me what you thought? Was it good? Lived it up to your expectations? Was it necessary that the film was in 3D?

Please comment!

Kimmo Mustonenen
Follow @KimmoMustonenen