Chris Weitz – Behind the Proscenium

Cinderella

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have for a while, been away.

Not for purpose, but because damn dumb bad.

I had measles.

Not any measles.

Disneyland Measles.

Some disease child left his funk on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and then I was with the infection. Or maybe it was stupid Tea Cups (they are good for nothing).

Damn. I was with icky red spots covered – as if a jar of jam had exploded and vaporized over my body – but not delicious.

All that was delicious was the Kossu I drank by the liter, putting out my jam inspired skin fire.

For weeks I got to think, “why were my parents in my baby pooping times dirty hippies living in North Finland commune?”

As is known to all not dirty hippies, they don’t put dead or weak viruses in their children. They are too high to worry about science. Or bathing. Or shaving arm pits.

But mainly science.

When my parents became clean and with jobs again and now being good society people (but still high) they forgot that I never had the only needle that I wanted for germ killing.

So, at the Happiest Place on Earth (no way really, best happy place is Six Flags “Now We Puke With Our New Hispanic Friends” Magic Mountain – just not on “Gang Night” – too many casualties) I get crappy Disneyland Measles.

And neither Kossu or the sweet, sweet smoke could made it OK.

But something just did make things OK.

Or someone.

And that someone was hot piece of 99% woman – she gave me the tingles. In my man place. And in my man mind.

She is Cinderella (Lily James).

Plot? Hells yeah, and more.

Lust and politics.

CGI mice.

Did I mention Lily James?

Poor Cinderella. She lives in Make Believe with Cool Dad (British Guy) and Hot Mom (British Chick).

In Make Believe, the 99% live in McMansions and have servants. But they want to be the 2%, like Prince Kit (Rob Stark).

Prince Kit’s Dad (Derek Jacobi) wants Kit to marry into the 1%.

When Cool Dad and Hot Mom die, Cinderella is forced to live with Stepmother (MILF Cate Blanchett) and Step Sisters (bitch face women from “Fashion Police”, I think).

Her new family is the suck.

Cinderella is so effed up she is talking to mice, a stag, some lizards, a bird, and (gasp) even the help.

One day, while out on a horse (that she is not talking to), she runs into Mr. Stag. He’s all like “Rob Stark wants to gut me” and Cinderella is all like “No way, Jose. Light that rocket in your ass and jet on out.”

Mr. Stag is all like “Don’t have to say that twice girlfriend” and bounces.

Rob Stark shows up and is all like “Damn, girl, you are fine! And nice. You are mine.”

Cinderella is all like (in her mind thoughts) “Mmmm, mmm, mmm – we are gonna be getting’ busy… in our married future which may never come.”

What happens next? Smoke the smoke, drink the drink, request Uber, and GO TO THE MULTIPLEX.

PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: Always smoke, always drink, and always Uber. Kimmo approves of this message.

There are disappointments in Cinderella.

Rob Stark wears tight pants but they strap down his “Hamm-aconda” (Jon Hamm’s conjoined twin – groin beast – in “Mad Men” – it is legendary).

Now, it could be that Rob Stark isn’t packing… but we all know that is a damned liar lie. It would have been nice for the ladies.

So, I have two thumbs (and other things, I am winking at you with innuendo) straining to the CGI sky.

Cinderella is good.

No shit.

You may even have eye water leaks (damn romance stuff – maybe there was dust in the air).

See it, if you have a heart.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kimmo – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Damn, Clarke. You are one stone cold-assed assassin. Now learn to forgive and go make out with Lexa. It is your destiny. And it will be appointment TV. At least in the house of Kimmo.

P.P.S. Pete Carroll, you are owning me $500. Passing on the 1? With two time outs and Marshawn Lynch? Huh. Really. There is in Seattle Aquarium a hermit crab named Marshawn Pinch. This is the truth. Marshawn Pinch would have from the 1 scored. Damn.

American Reunion

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Kimmo was in trouble.

Big trouble.

Last week I had super cool “Wrath of the Titans” review that I made.

Then the dumbness strikes.

I e-mail copy of review to my Uncle Tukka who is in living outside of the Helsinki – not to Kyrle, who is the editor that manages these things.

I have screwed Straight Up (like Paula Abdul!). Kyrle has made a rule that is new: Kossu shots OR bong loads, not Kossu shots AND bong loads.

This is fair, in my heart and in my head thoughts. I know that booze is good. So is the sweet, sweet smoke.

Together? I begin to be a Greeter Man at WalMart.

Sorry to my 15 loyal readers. I feel shame.

Now – for a movie!

And what a goddamn good time for a movie to have! I was very worrisome.

Every time Hollywood touches my past it is “the wrong touch.”

But “American Reunion?” I am sporting a Stifler!

Really. I am not kidding.

Plot? Sure!

All of our “American Pie” friends come back – 13 year reunions are important in America.

So, like locusts on Egypt they return. Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) are married with kid attached. Oz (Chris Klein) works at crap ESPN channel. Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) is worldly in many ways. Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is whipped by Gossip Girls. Stifler (Seann William Scott) is… you will see as moments come by.

All are older, some are bigger in the wise area, some are better now as people than as high school students.

We see a penis.

Craps are taken in places where craps have never been before (so I hope).

Chicks that were once to be sat on as babies are now so hot for drooling.

Lies are lied.

Love is kindled (from the past) then rekindled – like fire!

Life is tested… some pass, others think they are taking another test (true story – remember old joke about Norwegian who stayed up all night studying for his urine test? NEVER GETS OLD!!!).

Many happy faces from the past float on the screen. We (I) smile.

I missed my “American Franchise” friends.

But sometimes, expectations are face rubbed in gravel.

The surprise that surprised me was too surprising. This is a movie about a Stifler.

I will now, out of my mouth (computer mouth) say – “Seann William Scott is the most funny comic actor of the last 20 years.” His eyeballs tell stories.

He makes sounds that my heart go a kind of “chugga-chugga”, in that straight “chugga-chugga” way. He is the man (boy) that my aspirations were looking at when I was the young.

Now he is complete. I feel, now, to be complete, too.

Jim’s father (Eugene Levy) deserves some kind of outing. He, now widowed, is still the father we wanted (without the Pie fucking advice – that was a metaphor anyhow – Jim was kind of a dumbness).

Stifler’s Mom (Jennifer Coolidge) has many more lines (on face and on script).

She must still be done. And done again.

Vicky (Tara Reid) is now a zombie – but hotter than any zombie on “The Walking Dead”. It was good to see her. But not for too long.

And Heather (Mena Suvari) has learned to cover her forehead (or 8-head, if we’re going by the thing’s size) with bangs. She is now to be whacked to – in a pinch.

So, two thumbs straining to heaven – which is warm pie!

I am in love with “American Reunion.” Laughs were barked out of my mouth and Dr. Pepper flew through my nose and on the critic to my front place (sorry, Peter Travers).

But never in the life that I live would I thought that I would be in Stifler love.

And I am. Like an American!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is the suck. I will now only watch “The Voice”. Or anything. Please comment on things that I may watch without Kosso AND bong loads. In advance – thank you!!!

Tag: Chris Weitz

Cinderella [REVIEW]

American Reunion [REVIEW]