It Follows
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
I am still thinking diseases.
First Disney Measles.
And now, something more worse – Shtup Monsters.
One is infecting you in the Disneyland, the other jumps the weenie (or Fort Cootchie if a woman-type) in the back seat of a car (or in parent’s basement – prison sex FTW!).
Yes, Shtup (thanks Jew friends for the word!) Monster.
Crotch Beasts.
Lumbering Junk Ghoul.
Herpes Walker.
Whatever you call it – “It Follows.”
Scariest movie of all time.
Because there is truth in the horror depiction of sex death.
Sex death isn’t having a hockey mask on the face and a machete. Sex death isn’t drowned kid at Camp Bone and Die. Sex death walks everywhere (like a hippy – or a DUI guy) and is usually naked.
And he/she never stops walking. Well, the walking stops when killing starts.
Damn.
Plot?
Oh.
My.
God.
There is a plot.
Jay (Maika Monroe) is sweet good girl who looks great in a one piece. She has friends. Nerd girl (Olivia Luccardi) who would be Daphne in Scooby Doo, Nerd Boy (Keir Gilchrist) who is a probable mix-tape master in 80’s movies, and her not as hot sister Kelly (Lili Sepe).
Jay gets the sex itch and makes the two backed beast with proto-frat boy Hugh (Jake Weary).
All is pretty flowers until Hugh uses hand roofies AFTER sex on Jay’s face and then is to tell poor Jay “I put a monster in your Secret Garden. You must throw this monster on another man’s pork. If you do not a naked woman will walk slowly at you until death.”
Yep.
That happens.
Then Jay and The Gang try to solve the mystery.
This movie is so the awesome that my mind is still scared. The rest of me, too.
Yet, I have horror questions.
Hollywood, are not all horror movies to be found footage? After Blair Witch Projecting, all the Paranorman Activity, Rec, the Cloverfield, and all of that jazzing – a real movie now?
Hollywood, you mess with my Kimmo head more than 3 liters of finest Kossu. But that is digressing.
SPOILER ALERTING!!! Maybe.
Now plot questions. Can Jay pass on death in girl on girl scissor action, or must jizz always be involved?
If Hugh just whacked into trusty sock, would Shtup Monster kill sock before Hugh?
Why is Sex Beast standing naked on the roof, smiling, like a naked on the roof Sex Beast?
SPOILING OVER!!!
So, wow.
Two thumbs up in the sky, afraid of the sex, but wanting all the same. Maika Monroe makes me want to hug her into safety. But only hugging. I have no wants for Phallus Fiend to bend me pretzel-like.
Go to this movie.
Drink, smoke, then lose your bone.
It is worth it.
Show this movie to horny teenagers. They will stop horning.
Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Iowa State, you are my bracket breaker! I never hear of you until Wednesday, now I hate you losers with the heat of a million suns. There is nothing quite with the stupid as basketball has. Damn.
P.P.S. “The Returned” was better in France. French are creepy people – that is fact.
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