Cynthia LeBlanc – Behind the Proscenium

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Times are things that make men weep.

Most men.

Not Finns.

We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.

They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.

More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).

But we need no World Cupping.

We Finns can Cup for ourselves.

Sunday I will not be World Cupping.

I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yes.

It is.

See for yourself.

Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?

You bet!

Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.

499 of every 500 people – dead.

Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).

San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.

Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.

In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.

But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.

They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.

They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.

“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.

The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”

Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”

The war is on.

How good is Ape vs. Human war?

I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.

An hour!

Same with my weed.

How the hell is this a possible? But it was.

CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.

This shit is real, friend.

Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.

So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.

See this movie today.

Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).

It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).

“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).

HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:

The Campaign

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Oh, Hollywood.

I see you now – the game where my brain is turning to crazy.

I had surrendered already, a white waving of the flag saying “Hollywood, there is nothing expected – stink up the theater and I will write the words… I have no choice. I have nothing in me left to fight.”

Then comes what was never to happen again, or so said my mind thoughts.

Something fun (I needed none of the sweet smoke!).

Something original (no Kossu shots needed, although I had five – habit, and that stuff makes me awesome).

I did not leak from my eyes the salty pain tears.

No.

I saw “The Campaign.”

First, I must speak truth: I thought it was a documentary.

George W. Bush vs. a more hairy Barney Frank.

Then more soberness came to me (alas, it always does).

Will Ferrell has been a Bush. He is acting!

Barney Frank with facial bush is Zach Galifianakis. More acting!

With mincing. More later.

Plot? Yes!

Cam Brady (Ferrell) is a congress person from the north of Carolina.

He is a dick, yet is unbeatable in his mind.

Until rich guys want to bring Chinato Americaso they get maybe gay Marty Huggins (Galifianakis) to run.

A baby gets facially punched, the best actor in “The Artist” (Augie!) is brutalized.

But funny.

Baby face punching is funny, America! And for the first time – I think.

Dog brutalization, less funny.

Marty acts like he has the gay, but it is the subject never talked on

He wears sweaters of the Cosby style. He talks the lisp. We never speak of it.

Cam is “W” (with a much lower body count), but that isn’t talked on, too.

There is much that is distasteful humor to those who think they have the taste. They do not have the taste.

They just have a stick directly up the butt.

This is some funny shit (again, no bong hits prior to the screening – this is NOT a lie!).

This is a summer movie that makes the summer.

No, it is not “Shark Night 3D.” That was greatness.

This is the funniness.

I can now sit though “The Expendables 2” or (Odin, kill me if I am assigned the seeing of this) “Sparkle.”

But for now, I smile the smile of a happy smile right on my face.

Thank you, “The Campaign.”

So, two thumbs chuckling and (with a guffaw or three) pointing in the air. Although no smoke was in my mind, I recommend it to you.

With the wonderful smoke popcorn tastes better, ice cream is colder, and the film is only 85 minutes of length.

You will still be high when you sneak into the next theater, accidentally, and are watching “Hope Springs.” You will need to be high to sit through that crap. Trust me.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I raise my glass to my mouth to drink to Tuuli Petaja! Finland’s only medal in London! In sailing! Huh. Sailing. Yep. Just you bastard laughing people wait until the Winter Olympics. Our greatness will be like a foot in your ball sack!

P.P.S. Who will be the winning one on “The Glee Project” finale? Does anybody care? Does Ryan Murphy care?

P.P.P.S. Kristen Stewart is a slut! I am so proud of her! Is it because her boobs fly free in her next film (“On The Road”)? I am wanting to see that so hard! Has anyone said that about her before? I don’t think so (Twi-tards not included).

Tag: Cynthia LeBlanc

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes [REVIEW]

The Campaign [REVIEW]