John Bell – Behind the Proscenium

The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

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Here are the facts:

The Fellowship of the Ring – Book pages 432 – Film minutes 2:58

The Two Towers- Book pages 352 – Film minutes 2:59

Return of the King- Book pages 512 – Film minutes 3:21

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The Hobbit – Book pages 300

Now for the movies.

The Hobbit – An Unexpected Journey – 2:49

The Hobbit – Desolation of Smaug – 2:41

The Hobbit – Ka-ching!!! – Who the hell knows?

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So, The Lord of the Rings – Book pages 1296, Total Time 9:18

The Hobbit – Book pages 300, Total Time (so far) 5:30

‘Nuff said.

Are we still there for the caring?

I am done.

How long can this go on?

The Hobbit (Kim Kardashian) continues on its quest.

Things go on forever. BUT, 3-D IMAX made my pants a place for the peeing.

Awesome!!

Go see it.

You will if I do or if I do not say the right things.

As much as thinking Peter Jackson drools over money, the film still makes the mind flop on itself.

Good work, moneygrubber!!!

In other ways, go see “Afternoon Delight.” Independent films make on feel the smarter.

This is the time of year when Hollywood makes the liking of Hollywood seem like the boning of one’s sister.

Kind of hot. Totally sleazy.

If Hollywood was a man, “The Hobbit” would have been 10 movies.

Hollywood – you are a pussy.

So…Two thumbs up.

Made up story is still good story. IMAX 3-D is still IMAX 3-D.

Hey, Hollywood whoredom works. I must deal with this.

See this three times.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Now for brain expanding Vonnegut (Dead Eye Dick – 1982 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deadeye_Dick) – “We all see our lives as stories, it seems to me, and I am convinced that psychologists and sociologists and historians and so on would find it useful to acknowledge that. If a person survives an ordinary span of sixty years or more, there is every chance that his or her life as a shapely story has ended, and that all the remains to be experienced is the epilogue. Life is not over, but the story is.

Some people, of course, find inhabiting an epilogue so uncongenial that they commit suicide.

P.P.S. “Survivor” finale on Sunday! Whoop dee whoop!!

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

Tag: John Bell

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Battleship [REVIEW]