RoboCop
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
I don’t want to sound like a bitch bitching.
Yet things are forever the same.
Scene: Interior: Hollywood. Oldsters with the graying heads talk.
Oldster One: I have no idea of anything.
Oldster Two: I have to poop.
Oldster Three: Back in the day…
Then, into the room walks a younger oldster – a goddamn MBA.
Goddamn MBA: We don’t for having ideas. I just saw “RoboCop” from year’s long gone last night on IFC. Let’s make it three more times! If I had one original idea it would be my FIRST!!!
End Scene.
So I see the new “RoboCop.”
I fall back in to old ways.
I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I drink the Kossu. Ice cream bon-bons pressed against my taint. And I wonder – can this not be a suck-fest?
Can this be a mind changing of my mind event? Then there is the movie start.
MGM lion makes “Thrrrrrbbb, thrrrbbb” sound with the lion lips instead of “roar, I will eat your ass” sound.
So I turn to hot Finnish date Aino (her boobs are like rockets). Her look says “you are not too high – the lion just “thrrrrrbbbb”-ed.”
Man, this is movie done right!!!
And, do lions have lips?
Plot? OK.
Then the movie really starts. We have seen this in the before. Cop Murphy (Joel Kinnaman), soon to be Cop – Robo, has hot marriage ruining wife (Reese Witherspoon thanks you, Abbie Cornish).
He is good cop. He must fight cops for who to them good is just bad.
And more profitable.
Then the kaboom.
Enter Dr. Norton (Gary Oldmam) who works for the worst Batman (Michael Keaton) to make a robot cop a human/robot cop that will make liberals squeal and let drones fly our skies and walk our streets.
And he does.
Black Bill O’Reilly (Samuel L. Jackson) lets from his mouth place propaganda squirt. We must have robot cops. Drones are for the making of the friendly sky.
OK. I get it. Today has so many more troubles than 1987 things must be redone.
Or maybe not.
Damn, thinking is harder than not for thinking.
But the remake must be the remade. We have no choice.
For one more time this year I feel that I am watching Brad on the X-Box. (Brad is asshole roommate, but he did replace his eaten PB with the crunchy. Nice first step, Brad. Dick.)
Brad’s RoboCop rides a motorcycle. Well done!
Brad’s RoboCop hunts down bad guys with face mask giving him cheats. Done even better!
When is my turn? I would like to have the game for the playing.
But no. I must watch.
God dammit.
The last half of “RoboCop” is watching the roommate bogart the controller.
Don’t bogart the controller, my friend – pass it over to me!
So, thumbs are confused. Stuff is cool. Stuff is remade, but not better.
Where is Red (“come on, dumbass!”)?
Will there ever be new ideas?
Will the new “300” movie be more guys covered with oil?
This job is hard and then harder.
And with summer movies coming, my face makes a sad.
Summer is coming.
Crap storm.
Who will survive?
See “RoboCop” if you must.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Austria, Finland will crush you. In hockey. In other things, maybe not. Aino (of the buxom wonderness), you can watch the game in my apartment. I promise I will not go psychotic. I cannot promise this for my brother, Olli. He may psychotic and die. Such is being a Finn in Olympics time.
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