The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
Sweden.
Bastards.
While us, the Finns, fought Soviet Russia the Swedes ate butter, fish, and those damn crap meatballs.
In same war (World War II, retards) we fight and fight.
Sweden?
Neutral (sissy Nazi lovers – take that, Swedes!).
Finns are awesomeness.
Swedes?
They had not one ball between them.
Then I see those Swede bastards again.
Swedish Bikini Team (hot). SAAB (cool). Malin Akerman (schwing!). Swedes aren’t so bad as people as my mind said.
They also gave us “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” And it was greater than good.
For a film
Then, excited tail wagging puppy-like excitement sprouts from David Fincher. “Give me this movie!” he may have said out loud. And since excitement of so throbbing Swedish version is from Stone Age 2009 – of course Hollywood said “fuck yeah! 2009 is so 2009!”
Now we have “The Same Girl With A Dragon Tattoo Who Now Speaks English.” With accent that has previously been unheard by humans.
Plot? Sure!
Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is a business investigative journalist who is determined to restore his honor.
Once he has been convicted of libel, joins the rich industrial Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) in order to use his services as a journalist and a detective in the claim.
Henrik’s niece Harriet was murdered in 1966 as a 16 year old girl, what could have been but never proven (since Sherlock Holmes services are being used in shit cinema elsewhere).
Since then, the only message is that Henrik’s once a year receives a dried flower of the alleged murderer (in a frame, as in “framed”… a clue?).
Center of this conspiracy is Henrik’s extended family, from the loud disputes among themselves hardly changed a word. Like Thanksgiving at Kyrle’s place.
Americans are gluttons.
And very opinionated.
And cannot hold their liquor.
At least Swedes can hold their liquor.
And I can hold Malin Akerman (please Malin, we could make all of Scandinavia come together… get it?)
Around the same time is Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) – an unusual but equally brilliant detective and hacker security company Milton Security – tasked in Blomkvist life to sniff around (“sniff around!” House of Pain, people!), which ultimately leads but to the fact that they Blomkvist with the murder of Harriet Vanger help you.
They entered a 40-year-old chess game of intrigue, murder and incest. I said it. Intrigue.
What is good?
Rooney Mara, that is what is good. Man, she pierced every possible skin flap that was available. And then more flaps, which is professional.
More?
Christopher Plummer. I almost had the belief that he was old. Good acting!
Danny Craig (my buddy). He has been doing sit-ups.
Soundtrack – Trent Reznor made my booty shake. “Hammer of the Gods” is right! And then…
SPOILER ALERT!!!
And then it happened. I was made to cry.
I can, with squirming, handle anal rape.
Bloody nine iron to face is nothing (even with broken teeth clattering on the tile).
Torture-murder-dismembering of young women is easy.
But do not fuck with the cat.
NEVER fuck with the cat.
My eyes leaked. I sniffled. I took another bong hit and one more shot of Kossu. My eyes leaked some more.
Finally, I became less a Swede and more a man (kidding, Malin – Swedes are now cool to me).
SPOILER ALERT OVER!
For a summation, three thumbs up! One thumb just for Rooney Mara. One thumb for David Fincher. And another thumb for the year 2009 version from the Swedes – at least if shit is for the messing they don’t make it a greater (or lesser) mess, right?
And one head lowered, mourning for little furry cats everywhere.
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. How could Ozzy not win “Survivor”? Odin, have you forsaken us all?
