Michael Malone – Behind the Proscenium

Fast & Furious 6

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I remember once the confusion of the now.

In my head.

Years in the past, I wandered in the theater.

I saw the sign – “Fast and The Furious 5.”

“A cool new band!” I thought.

How much of the cool could be this singer Fast? Rock star name!

And The Furious Five? Double down the cool.

Then the confusion.

Awesome rock roll band is nowhere – instead very loud, very dumb film called “Fast & Furious 5.”

Oh, how much wishing I was doing for myself that “Fast & Furious 6” would really be the nowhere band of Fast made into real reality with an additional Furious.

No. Another very loud, very dumb film.

Plot?

Really? You care? Okay.

So the last one is in the front of your brain. Remember that… And it is precisely this last scene of the furious hammer action “Fast & Furious 5” linked onto “Fast & Furious 6” and knitting a functional, though not particularly exciting story about it.

In this Hobbs (The Rock – he smells what you’re cookin’!) shows up to Dom (Vin Diesel) and Brian (Paul Walker), who have fled abroad from the grasp of U.S. authorities, and their dream of freedom living abroad, together, in love.

Brian is now father and makes it much more leisurely approach as Dom. After all, one has no more financial worries thanks to the coup in Brazil, but that is for other times.

But Hobbs, the steamroller in the service of crime, both will not lock up unexpectedly. Rather, he needs their help.

He is investigating Owen Shaw (Luke Evans), a mercenary who performs with his crew around the globe spectacular raids and currently the items of a “techno bomb” shit-storm maker that could turn off the communication of a crucial state for hours (they must have been looking at T.V’s “Revolution” – suck breeds suck).

He receives support from all of Letty (Michelle Rodriguez). There is certainly no question that Dom and Brian drum up their old team to put the craft Shaw, Letty to bring back to the family and to earn a pardon for past deeds.

Then…

VROOM!

SCREECH!

CRASH!

KABOOM!

AAARRRRGHHH!!!

AIRPLANE!

TANK!

HOT BUTT!

DOUBLE VROOM!

WHOOSH!

Then finally ZZZZZZZZZZ…

That is me – sleeping. So loud, this film, but noise is easily defeated by the sweet, sweet smoke.

I get it. I’m in the know. These things poop money into giant piles. I understand.

Word of advice to film crafter and makers – take some of the excess treasure and hire a writer of smart words and good ideas. Then very loud, very stupid money maker can be loud, fun money maker and I can be awake and my ears not be bleeding.

Think about this. Please.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is now almost to the death. We want White Guy With Guitar 6. You give us Candice Glover. And Nicki Minaj? The circus has called for it’s clown to come back! Ha! I win, you lose…

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

Tag: Michael Malone

Fast & Furious 6 [REVIEW]

Battleship [REVIEW]