Parker Haynes – Behind the Proscenium

Sinister

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Horror in my belly pulls my testes into itself.

That is the point.

Horror must make one as uncomfortableness than one can feel.

It is awesome.

It sucks.

It hurts so good that in the pants the shitting is welcomed.

Yes, that happens.

Unless the movie is the suck. Then the horror is not so horrible. Then the horror is the shit.

Shit, because not horrible. But still in the eyes. The eyes hold onto the pain.

But still…

“Sinister.”

There are grisly murders at the property of the Ellison guy (Ethan Hawke) but the deaths and the disappearance of another daughter (his family?) are with a murder series linked.

Found footage (fuck you, Paranormal Activitiy!)

Then there are slayings and abductions, but only for the children. Parents are for the dying.

But then the writer’s nightmares are worse than the writing.

WTF?!?

Horror is the suck. Nothing is new. Best movie to scare a turd out of me is “The Exorcist“. The like will never again be seen. First half hour, getting to know the family. THEN the shit hits the fan.

We now care!

All of the new shit – horror porn. People ripped apart. Crazy Saw guy making people die as assholes. “Final Destination” bringing back Rube Goldberg to America (if Rube Goldberg is over your head kill yourself now, retard).

And then the found footage shit. Thanks “Blair Witch Project.” Style over good any day.

Crap.

Yet I still liked “Cloverfield“. Found footage doesn’t always swallow the suck.

Anyway, the fact that I thought Ethan Hawke was really Kevin Dillon made me think the dumb is now part of my forever mind. Son of a bitch.

So, one thumb totally confused, wishing it had to see “Argo.” The other thumb wondering where fucking hockey is.

I don’t get it. Play the games. The owners won last time, but now they must fight again? I wish I had a gun. One round for the Bettman. Then the rest for the owners. I kill you all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Nashville” is the shit. That Hayden Dwarf chick is the hot. I would do her twice.

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

Tag: Parker Haynes

Sinister [REVIEW]

Battleship [REVIEW]