Paul Cameron – Behind the Proscenium

Total Recall

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

My working life is now my life of my life.

Sometimes the pain is so much, that there is howling where none is wanted.

Was I kicked in the right ball?

Stabbed in the lower right gut, pain flashing like a flashing pain light?

Made like the Lohan, when she moans the “Coke has run out” moan?

No.

Life life = kidney stone.

Pee that looks like oil of the motor, pain that is for the yelling until the sweet, sweet Dilauded in my new vein hole makes me the smiling man.

Pain is for the drug-free. I like drugs.

Work life = “Total Recall.”

Really?

Has the farting monkey classic “Ed” already been re-animated?

Hollywood, if there was a God with a shit to give you would all have the ball pain that made me Mr. Vicodin.

I think watching Colin Ferrell, take on the Arnold head a major crap, would have been O.K. if I was still Mr. Vicodin.

Or Mr. Kossu. Or Mr. Lemon Skunk Sativa.

Just being Mr. Kimmo made me cry.

Plot? There was one, in 1990. And it was good.

Now, white bread crap fest.

“Total Recall” and no Mars. I see.

Now is the time to re-do, yet take out all that made the first to be made.

Smart!

Sony, way to be!

Replace Arnold with boring Colin – check.

Replace Sharon Stone with a boring (but hot) vampire chick – check.

Interesting stuff replaced with same old crap – check.

Three-breasted woman – check.

I have seen the trailer – I have seen the movie.

Sony, my butt is for the kissing… get back there, pucker up, I like tongue!

That is all to say about this nothing pile. No reason to exist, no reason to write about it.

Rent it – smoke the sweet Sativa – eat Cheetos – maybe nap. Check out the Beckin-butt (Kate Beckinsale).

But… that is all.

Please Odin, give me another stone for the passing before my eyeballs must hurt my brain with another crappy re-do. Please.

Now, that is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. You, the children, who want to watch movies for the money all day and night like Kimmo? This is the shit that is your 90%. Study dentistry. Less pain all around.

P.P.S. Olympics. Why do the flippy pre-pubescent girls get the ratings? Why not the beach ladies with the ass crack assaulting shorts? That is entertainment! And Ryan Seacrest must be stopped. Before he multiplies! Hey Sony, there’s an idea that’s not a remake. Assholes.

Man On A Ledge

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Action and adventure in January?

What is this film “Man on a Ledge”?

Is Hollywood sucking more smoky bong openings than film reviewers (ME!)?

Oh, my mind anticipates with wet quivering smart action fun.

Also smart. But no.

July movie in January – but July/January movie has no boobs or explosions. At least not like July movie.

This confusion haunts my brain-stem and makes thinking hurt.

Plot? I think so.

Nick Cassidy (Sam Worthington) was once a successful and highly respected cop until one day he was arrested for a robbery he never committed (really? This defense works as often as “Glee” makes sense).

As a cop, he also sits years later under difficult conditions in the prison where he has to defend his fellow prisoners in the first place. Especially the soap dropping prisoners. They need defending. From rape. In the butt.

Completely desperate, he uses the first available opportunity to escape and increases with an elaborate plan on the window ledge of a New York hotel (original!), where he soon gets the attention of passers-by and the police.

The police recognize him – because they’re smart.

During his conversation with the psychologist Lydia Anderson (Elizabeth Banks) time trying to give, this is still for a second plan.

At the same time break his brother Joey (Jamie Bell) and his girlfriend Nina (Pooja Kumar) in the adjacent high-rise of the industrial David Englander (Ed Harris) to the allegedly stolen diamonds now really stealing.

While Nick is running (shuffling) out on the windowsill, the time begins not only the special police unit to be restless, but also those corrupt colleagues who were involved in the diamond robbery at the time.

Corrupt colleagues are the suck.

How far would a man go when he is accused wrongly and arrested for something he has never committed?

Well, out on a ledge – that’s for sure.

And then stand, and talk… and stand… and talk… action in other places, stand… then talk.

Then run! On a ledge!

Son of a bitch – a man is on a ledge!

The marquee did not lie on me!

There is really a MAN ON A LEDGE!

The he gets off of it.

Other shit happens, too.

“Man on a Ledge” brings to fans of this genre, unfortunately, not much new with it.

While the cast – led by Elizabeth Banks and Sam Worthington – truly deliver a solid performance and blend together perfectly, the story still runs off to familiar patterns.

Maybe it should be then “Man In A Phone Booth”. Because that has never been done.

Conclusion: Wait until the lateness of March and rent. It will please your eye orbs more on your cool HDTV and cheaper than cinema. And you can make to fire up your pipe without old people (like mothballs and urine smell) telling you against lighting up.

Chill, old people. Take a hit. Your jello will never cover your tongue with more joy after the sweet, sweet smoke.

This I know. Trust Kimmo.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Stop NOW the reading of this! Go see “The Artist”. Go see “The Descendants”. Maybe even “The Iron Giant’s Lady”.

Beware! The summer film shit storm is on the horizon… and then the suck really starts.

Please Mayans – be right!

Tag: Paul Cameron

Total Recall [REVIEW]

Man On A Ledge [REVIEW]