Ric Schnupp – Behind the Proscenium

July 3, 2012July 3, 2012

The Amazing Spider-Man [REVIEW]

The Amazing Spider-Man

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Reboot.

I have the confusion.

What have there the meaning for this?

Example: Take something that was cool. And made money by the crap load. Say “this is too old for the liking – who will understand the oldness?” Say, “how can more crap loads of money can be milked if already the thing is owned by the kids?”

Reboot!

So, ten years after the Spider-Man now is new Spider-Man (amazing!) is all up in the cinemas!

Money must be made, the good must be good again, what is old is now new (and is for the cash to be had – thanks for the consistency,Hollywood!).

REBOOT!!!

Spider-Man is now The Amazing Spider-Man.

Already better.

AMAZING!!!

Some is different, some the same.

Most the same, really.

How?

Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire. Real nerd. Only cool with the spider juice flowing in the veins.

Andrew Garfield. Tormented. Could be cool without spider juice, but gets the juice bitten just the same.

Torment! Angst! It is the suck to have superpowers.

Bad guy. Still green. But different. English dude (Rhys Ifans) is not as a creeper as the Willem Defoe. But, other than the John Malkovich, no one is the creeper as Defoe.

No Malkovich in “The Amazing Spider-Man.”

Damn. Maybe the next reboot (mark the calendar 10 years in the future).

Girlfriend. Emma Stone is the hotness for the Spider-Guy at this time. It was, in before the reboot, Kirsten Dunst.

Stone has a lisp.

Dunst gave us her boobies in “Melancholia.”

We can – only for the hoping – wish that now in the future Emma Stone boobs will be for the seeing, drooling, and then the wanting. To touch. In reality.

Soon. Please.

Oh. And they’re tied.

Newspaper. No contest.

Denis Leary is angry. Every character laid on by Leary is angry. Some less. Some more. All angry. Angry, angry, angry. J.K. Simmons? Loveable. Gruff. Sometimes angry.

Wow, he has a range for something other than his one note! He wins this one.

Plot? Really?

Nerd gets bit by the spider juice. Gets powers that are so cool.

Crazy scientist somehow with the family entangles and death and sad and Peter needs an ass to kick.

And a cute chick.

Sub-plot. Big fight! Spider-Man wins again – and learns a lesson.

Some kind of lesson. I forget (damn you, kossu!).

One thumb is up for “The Amazing Spider-Man.” The other thumb can’t figure why I’m seeing what I just saw in the past.

But I get it.

Money.

Do you have the brain knowledge the Harry Potter movies are now 11 years old? Get on it Hollywood!

The shit-pile of money made by those make the embarrassment on Spider-Man.

Reboot now!

Reboot Harry Potter!

Or not. Assholes.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. New “Glee Project” tonight! Predictions: Crying, “this is so important to me”, “no one understands what I’m going through”, “this is my life!”, crying, yelling, singing, “this is my only shot”, flirting, then gay Ryan Murphy saying a cliché, then more crying, and song. I cannot wait! My bong is full…

December 9, 2011December 9, 2011

New Year’s Eve [REVIEW]

New Year’s Eve

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

New Year’s Eve.

Really?

A painless romantic comedy with 20 big stars about 10 different stories twisted together with a background in New York (New York).

Beyond the site (New York, dumb ass), time is the most important parameter which moves the narrative academic standards (I’m so high), and we are in the New Year’s Eve and all shows on first sight cheerful and festive.

Bullshit.

So, is it better than “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)”?

No. Hell no.

The characters through many emotional and less comical situations are easily predictable in a pleasant but dull (like an AM/PM hamburger, yummy, and yet gross) in the whole movie follows the same recipe last year’s “Valentine’s Day” by the same director (Garry Marshall – who has giant big teeth… creepy).

That “little bit of everything” – loves all types and ages.

Here of course the nature of the celebration that unites or reunites families (as opposed to“Valentine’s Day” where we saw first young love, but without guilt and boners) seeing traumatic relationships and people in crisis who are required to overcome the wounds of the past or to retrieve media a second chance (like you, Kyrle – your obsession with pecs was your undoing – I said it!).

Usually the New Year people make “self” for their mistakes and set goals for the new (or drunk, and then the regret, and then the pregnancy).

Experiential endoscopy – I think – makes the standing on the story of New YORK’S Eve – sorry, New YEAR’S Eve.

The story of an estranged, and severe ill father (Robert De Niro – he must pay the bills, poor bastard) of Hillary Swank (no character name that I remember but major boobs), responsible for the celebration in Times Square (she fails) is typical of the dramatic tone that introduces us to the plot of Big Tooth Man Director and the character of Michelle Pfeiffer (yes!) who give up everything for to live within a few hours, as did a whole life, shows that things do not always go as we dream, chasing unrealistic time.

(This is an homage to The Talking Heads, from me, Kimmo Mustonenen I’m pretty high.)

The melancholy touches, however, is temporary and as time is pressing everyone to catch up to complete the remaining issues created some grotesque comic situations such as the birth of babies(!) by Jessica Biel. I guess Timberlake finally got busy. Tap it, Justin!

It is gratifying to planning something carefully and setting goals which will then happen by hard effort, but some things make nature itself …as twins.

WTF?!?

Can arrange a time for a natural phenomenon? With the help of technology, perhaps!

(This is an homage to DEVO. Holy crap, I may never come down!)

This is not, damage to the “countdown to the ball” in the Times Square of New York causes a confusion in the already fragile nature of the Swankster (she said I could call her that), but the right decision to put the right person for the repair of the short time until midnight (an electrician who had been dismissed in the past) shows that, in some relationships inevitably “make cycle”.

(This is an homage to my bong. Son of a bitch. I’m wasted.)

Then there is the shit-ton avalanche of other stars: Ashton Kutcher (The Cougar Tamer), Lea Michelle (Playskool’s “My First Streisand”), Sarah Jessica Parker (My Little Pony), Abigail Breslin (Why Are You In This Shit?), Halle Barry (Another Razzie?) and Zac Efron (“It’s a trap!”).

This is a soup lesson.

How?

You want a soup to make. You have ingredients for the soup in the millions. You know in reality the best soup? Maybe five ingredients. Maybe ten.

Instead, all ingredients go into the soup.

All millions.

And the soup? Shit.

You have now spent time and treasure to create shit soup.

And the name of your shit soup?

New Year’s Eve.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Soon I will see Charlize Theron in “Young Adult”. Ginnifer Goodwin, you are so out of my mind (in the not good way).

P.P.S. I’m so fried. I have a total hard-on for the Flame Flavored Cheeto. Tell me the favorite of your high Cheeto in the comments! Damn, I’m hungry.

What?

November 11, 2011November 11, 2011

Immortals [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind the Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo on Kino, Immortals, Tarsem Singh, Charley Parlapanides, Vlas Parlapanides, Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Freida Pinto, Luke Evans, John Hurt, Joseph MOrgan, Anne Day-Jones, Greg Bryk, Alan Van Sprang, Peter Stebbings, Daniel Sharman, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz, Steve Byers, Stephen McHattie, Matthew G. Taylor, Romano Orzari, Corey Sevier, Conrad Pla, Neil Napier, Tyrone Beneskin, Abdul Ayoola, Dylan Smith, Robert Naylor, Mercedes Leggett, Kaniehtiio Horn, Ayisha Issa, Danny Blanco Hall, Robert Maillet, Alain Chanoine, Edward Yankie, Gage Munroe, Aron Tomori, Marcella Bezina, Roc La Fortune, Jade Larocque, Charlie Duret, Alisha Nagarsheth, Makayla Jade McManus-Legett, Madison McAleer, Zelia Mouana-Bankouezi, Andre Kasper Kolstad, Tyler Hynes, Carlo Mestroni, Chantal Simard, Brent Skagford, Jason Cavalier, Kevin Kelsall, Patrick Sabongui, Samuel Platel, Lise Sita, Francise LaFreniere, Shyrelle Yates, John Churchill, Austin Beauchamp, Jimmy Duperval, Randy Herman, Emilie Paquet, Robbie Brenner, Mark Canton, Jason Felts, Craig J. Flores, Ogden Gavanski, Tony Grazia, Ken Halsband, Ryan Kavanaugh, Jamie Marshall, Gianni Nunnari, Rene Rigal, Nico Soultanakis, Tucker Tooley, Tommy Turtle, Jeff Waxman, Trevor Morris, Brendan Galvin, Wyatt Jones, Stuart Lew, Andrew Kenyon, Tom Foden, Jille Azis, Eiko Ishioka, Ken Diaz, Daniel Auclair, Ken Halsband, Christopher Kulikowski, Dana Reaves Bolla, Michael R. Sloan, Alexandre Bernard, Angele Gagnon, Chanel Lavoie, Jamie Marshall, Julien Pratte, Evelyne Renaud, Michael Viglietta, Wade Barnett, Nicolas Becker, Ric Schnupp, Alain Berard, Artie Malesci, Garrett Warren, Max White, Geoffroy Beauchernin, Tom Gibbons, Markus Czyzewski, Danny Elhaj, Ian Broucek, Amber Asaro, Brent Beath, Hank Bedford, Maggy Belzile, Kim Berner, Taylor Black, Christina Buchli, Gerrard Coffey, Tana David, Nicolas Fafard-Trudel, Andree-Anne Faucher, Cristina Fuller, Sonia Garcha, Etienne Geoffrion, Brandon Gold, Silvy Kim, Michael Lippman, Josianne Mailloux, Marr Morgan, Caroline Morissette, Jean-Charles Myrand, Eva Quiroz, Marlaine Reiner, Ryan Ross, Marc Salouze, Esteban Sanchez, Mona Sishodia, Justine Winkler, Evagelia Zouliatis

“The Immortals”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“The Immortals” is crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

That is my review.

But the editor says I must write more words than “crap.”

O.K. – it is also turd sandwich in… 3D!

Story?

We have in a long time ago, the Greek gods defeated the Titans. They locked the creatures in a prison deep in a mountain.

In a later era wants King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke – creepy!) encounter the gods from their thrones – and to release the Titans.

Necessary to the Epirus-bow (huh?) he wants to help with the visions of the Oracle (see Freida Pinto. I saw her. A tent was pitched.).

On his expedition he also lays the village of slave Theseus (Henry Cavill) to rubble, killing his mother. We will find you do NOT kill the slave baby momma.

Obsessed with revenge wants, Theseus’s death to place on Hyperion. Help comes not only from the Oracle and some warriors (including Stephen Dorff – really), but by god Zeus (Luke Evans), who has for years stood by him in the guise of an old man (John Hurt).

Totally makes sense.

Now, however, Zeus has forbidden the other gods on Olympus to interfere in the war of the people. They should do it alone, led by Theseus. This is misleading in intent.

Never effin’ happened!

Why not now make the Nativity movie with the Amish and showgirls and talking goats? I would see that movie.

Instead of Amish, showgirls, and the goats we get “The Immortals”.

There is so much to love about the movie – the costumes by Eiko Ishioka, the excessive violence, the über-hot Freida Pinto.

And that is all. So not so much.

But it all comes together never close to completely correct, it remains as a spectator weird creep whereby lengths and accepts it all with a shrug.

To get to the point: If you liked the slightly less shit-storm (equally stylized) “300”, this was cooked for you.

You are so bold as to be cool. In your tiny mind.

It is self-explanatory, that this world never looks realistic.

It begins with these goddamn cliffs.

Almost every village, every temple seems built on a cliff. This looks even nice, but again and again – is monotone.

There is also the practical question: Is it really safe to go to the temple from the house, on a footpath, which is three feet wide, has no railings and where, at the slightest misstep, hundreds of yards into the ocean you splat?!?

Just think of children playing. Drunks. Old people. Drunk old children. Epileptics.

That question should be immediately banned from the head – there are no epileptics in “The Immortals”. Like so many others movies.

The shit continues – about how useful it is for the army of evil, to bear such huge helmets, they can’t wipe the ass-crack, let alone fight (and wiping is not as hard as fighting – unless there is much cheese ingestion).

Or why the Greeks the Oracle stupidly deflower (although deflowering Freida Pinto is never stupid, as long as we see her naked).

These and many other discrepancies plaguing the film.

They didn’t even release the Kraken (I yell this during bowel movements)!

I could write more of a response, but I’m too with depression.

Would it, in a better universe, then had “The Immortals”, the makings of a truly great film?

Only good (other than previously talked Freida Pinto – Ass of a Goddess! This would be better movie, too) Mickey Rourke enjoys evil-being, even if he was mumbling and muttering and one does hardly understands.

But ultimately crap – this one goes in the mouth, is chewed, relies on the 3D glasses, swallowed, admired the vision of director, digested, you buy ticket, and the film is shat onto the screen.

Did I mention it was crap?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy, I don’t need you! Lindsay Pearce is Snow White in “A Snow White Christmas” at the El Portal in North Hollywood,CA. Kyrle, get me a ticket! I will follow her home (NOT! Being serious! I want no crimes committed.). I will just beg for her love at the stage door. Keep open for updates!

P.P.S. Joe Paterno, if you hear little children are being diddled you go to the police when the diddling is told. Good job, JoePa! Fucking asshole.