Son Of God
With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
There are things beyond our seeing.
Understanding is the impossible.
But they are real.
Really.
Some are good (Casper The Friendly Ghost, Caspar in Finland).
Some are not (Magneto).
Some are old (Dracula).
Some are new (Dr. Manhattan).
But all real super-duper people have to come from somewhere with the origin story.
Even the “Son of God.”
For an origin story, it is not too original.
This was on my TV in before times, I am sure of it.
Yes, I drink. Yes, I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I am forgetting things.
But this was on my TV – but with more longer. On the History Channel.
And President Obama was, in it, as the Satan. He is not in “Son of God” that I have seen.
Am I crazy? Am I victimized by mind tricks?
No.
Thank God (not his son, but Odin) for press kit. I read and am relieved.
“Son of God” is last part of “The Bible“ – the same!
Yet very different.
Plot? Well… yes.
The earth starts.
Then a bunch of crap happens, very fast.
Then story. The Virgin Mary (Leila Mimmack) gets knocked up, and in panicking says “God did it! I am no slut but a virgin!” (not in movie was this said, but in real life – disclaimer: I was not there, but I know things).
Then Baby Jesus, Son of God! He grows to a manhood in a blinking eye.
And everyone in the Middle East is from Europe. Cool.
Super handsome Jesus model (Dioga Morgado) is awesome-er than any Son of God that came before (per the film).
He does magic.
He (maybe) does Mary Magdalene (Amber Rose Revah). Who wouldn’t?
He does big talk (“I will change the world!”)
He does bigger magic (raising the dead – suck it Penn and Teller!!!).
He pisses off the powerful (various old Jewish guys, but not in real life). They are so mad that they nail him to the wood. And spear him in the side.
Then it is nothing but death.
The Romans do the last three sentences. Not the Jews. Back off, Nazis.
But wait. More to be.
Jesus wakes up from dead!
Freaking out is the only option for Jerusalem, and so the freaking happens – with nice light and background orchestra.
Then The Jesus gets the heck out of Dodge, never to be seen again.
So. Two confused thumbs, afraid of the Walking Dead. Jesus story was longer on my television, and now you are to pay to see it shorter on bigger screen with expensive mouth treats.
Hmmm. Maybe worth it, maybe not.
There have been better super hero origin stories. And the villains are the suck.
Old Jews are not scaring anyone, and they have no super powers. Except in Hollywood. Those old Jews fill the fear in any living person.
Old Hollywood Jews, if I have offended you my sorry is bigger than any other sorrys. Sorry.
Watch “The Bible” on Netflix. Longer, but you get Obama Satan.
What more is ever wanted?
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium
P.S. Finland 5, U.S. 0. The bronze medal is pretty. Hey America hockey, would you like one? Really? Too bad, losers. Kossu shots for all (especially my good friends of Old Hollywood Jews)!!!
