Sara Andrews – Behind the Proscenium

It Follows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I am still thinking diseases.

First Disney Measles.

And now, something more worse – Shtup Monsters.

One is infecting you in the Disneyland, the other jumps the weenie (or Fort Cootchie if a woman-type) in the back seat of a car (or in parent’s basement – prison sex FTW!).

Yes, Shtup (thanks Jew friends for the word!) Monster.

Crotch Beasts.

Lumbering Junk Ghoul.

Herpes Walker.

Whatever you call it – “It Follows.”

Scariest movie of all time.

Because there is truth in the horror depiction of sex death.

Sex death isn’t having a hockey mask on the face and a machete. Sex death isn’t drowned kid at Camp Bone and Die. Sex death walks everywhere (like a hippy – or a DUI guy) and is usually naked.

And he/she never stops walking. Well, the walking stops when killing starts.

Damn.

Plot?

Oh.

My.

God.

There is a plot.

Jay (Maika Monroe) is sweet good girl who looks great in a one piece. She has friends. Nerd girl (Olivia Luccardi) who would be Daphne in Scooby Doo, Nerd Boy (Keir Gilchrist) who is a probable mix-tape master in 80’s movies, and her not as hot sister Kelly (Lili Sepe).

Jay gets the sex itch and makes the two backed beast with proto-frat boy Hugh (Jake Weary).

All is pretty flowers until Hugh uses hand roofies AFTER sex on Jay’s face and then is to tell poor Jay “I put a monster in your Secret Garden. You must throw this monster on another man’s pork. If you do not a naked woman will walk slowly at you until death.”

Yep.

That happens.

Then Jay and The Gang try to solve the mystery.

This movie is so the awesome that my mind is still scared. The rest of me, too.

Yet, I have horror questions.

Hollywood, are not all horror movies to be found footage? After Blair Witch Projecting, all the Paranorman Activity, Rec, the Cloverfield, and all of that jazzing – a real movie now?

Hollywood, you mess with my Kimmo head more than 3 liters of finest Kossu. But that is digressing.

SPOILER ALERTING!!! Maybe.

Now plot questions. Can Jay pass on death in girl on girl scissor action, or must jizz always be involved?

If Hugh just whacked into trusty sock, would Shtup Monster kill sock before Hugh?

Why is Sex Beast standing naked on the roof, smiling, like a naked on the roof Sex Beast?

SPOILING OVER!!!

So, wow.

Two thumbs up in the sky, afraid of the sex, but wanting all the same. Maika Monroe makes me want to hug her into safety. But only hugging. I have no wants for Phallus Fiend to bend me pretzel-like.

Go to this movie.

Drink, smoke, then lose your bone.

It is worth it.

Show this movie to horny teenagers. They will stop horning.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Iowa State, you are my bracket breaker! I never hear of you until Wednesday, now I hate you losers with the heat of a million suns. There is nothing quite with the stupid as basketball has. Damn.

P.P.S. “The Returned” was better in France. French are creepy people – that is fact.

SEE KIMMO’S REVIEW:

The Five-Year Engagement

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, cliché joke (I will not be the single sayer of this) – “The Five-Year Engagement” is also what seems to be the running time of the film.

It goes on.

And on.

And then on some more.

The butt hurts.

The movie doesn’t care.

The movie laughs at my discomfort.

But I don’t laugh at the movie.

Which is a comedy. Or an Apatow-medy.

So there are jokes on the dick.

The word “fuck” is used more than in “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

That is a lot of fucks.

But when people get to the fucking, all the women-types leave their tops on. Not a boob to make me smile.

America is weird.

Plot? Sure!

The film tells the story of the couple Violet Barnes (Emily Blunt – like the blunt that was for the smoking before the film) and Tom Solomon (Jason Segel – he gets naked and is covered in moles – creepy), whose relationship becomes strained when they realize they have much longer engagement (like 5 years, duh).

For lack of time, the two delay marriage for next year and, moreover, Violet enrolls at the University of Michigan for the studying.

Then is promoted at work by her boss (asshole, with sick karate skillz), and this entails the need to move to another city.

I think.

Or the same one, but for more bad times.

When formalizing the relationship seems to move a background in the lives of two lovers, paradoxically, parents are beginning to put pressure on them to hasten the wedding.

In addition, some older relatives die and not get to see even more young people to the altar.

And die, and die, and die.

These deaths were funny.

More deaths would have been better.

Troubled situation, Violet and Tom must decide quickly what they want from life and to manage better time because, otherwise, things seem to spiral out of control.

No more spoilers.

Funny things happen. Stifler from “American Reunion” is cloned into another person named Alex (Chris Pratt) for this.

Cinema wants more of the Stiflers. An entire mouth-word exchange is done as Cookie Monster and Elmo.

Emily Blunt is too much damn cuteness. Things happen that are too easy.

And a taco truck. If only there was a taco truck outside of the screening place.

Man, munchies can give one the drool face…

So, two thumbs taking a nap on the sideways.

All movie inhabitants were the likable people, but the thing made two hours many more hours of feeling. In my butt. Until my butt went to sweet, sweet sleep. Only to wake up at the credits – angry and painful.

Wait for DVD when it is Netflixing time. The unrated cut will last four and a half hours – but seem like six.. Sweet Jesus!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” is fun! Blake Shelton is drunk! Christina lost weight! Cee Lo is borderline homosexual! Adam Levine is a douch-nozzle! No more “American Idol” for me!

Tag: Sara Andrews

It Follows [REVIEW]

The Five-Year Engagement [REVIEW]