Shelly Strong – Behind the Proscenium

December 7, 2012November 27, 2017

Lincoln [REVIEW]

Lincoln

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Nothing can bring the fear.

Nothing like the season of the fjord.

We are not lucky (unlucky) in fjords.

We are not Norway.

Sweden not, too, as well (Swedes are pussies so this is in the OK zone).

Yet the tragedy comes. Like winter.

More family drowning while trying to defeat cod.

The cod fight so hard, the winning may never happen.

Yet, I will eat their deep fried flesh. And the herring’s picked bodies.

I am a Finn.

I will fight the fish.

And I will eat.

Why all of this?

Another Mustonenen down. In the drink. Davey Jones’ locker, breathing water until the end.

Sadness makes my brain say “Hells no, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, when my family has a dead member. Bradley Cooper is still an asshole. And Jennifer Lawrence cannot be lusted after without Jesus being bummed. Thanks for the cock block Jesus.”

So, “Lincoln.”

Plot? Are you giving me the kids?

In the Middle Ages, America chose its leader by height. Lincoln was taller than hell. So he became King of America.

Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis) used his height to look down (like a God) and could somehow read the thoughts of those who were his enemies/friends.

Except he married The Flying Nun before she became annoying (retards, look up the reference).

Finally, America likes her. They really, really like her. But she is a bitch ass shrew. With hair from “Star Wars – Episode 4” (if you’re a nerd who has never kissed a girl or tasted a teat – to real people just damn “Star Wars”).

Anyway, the tallest man in America (who always had a helium suck before talking – squeak – where was James Earl Jones?) held the cards for political poker.

Then the entire movie started to seem like “Midnight Poker” on ESPN. With fake facial hair that could an automobile be purchased.

Luckily, an alcoholic puff-ball named James Spader showed up to make me want to have the drinking of the Kossu and the sweet, sweet smoke.

I had both.

And Tommy Lee Jones had the best hair in the America since Phil Spector. Yet there were no restaurant deaths. Too bad. His love for his woman made things boring.

So, tons of bad hair of the face.

Sweet Jesus, has nothing advanced since “Gettysburg” (worst face hair ever!)?

And casting Bruce McGill… genius, if only for his appearance in best history ever, “FDR: American Badass.” My world would have been completed if he only said, face to camera – “He’s Abraham Lincoln, motherfucker!”

Steven Spielberg has no balls. I believe they belong to Amy Irving.

Thumbs? Pretty damn up. Daniel Day-Lewis plays tall better than any man since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in “Game of Death.”

I truly in my mind believe that the tallest man (so the greatest man) in America was Abraham Lincoln. He allowed black people to talk and kung-fu Bruce Lee in the chest.

It is a weave that does tangle that American cinema weaves.

My mind is mush. I go back and forth between great cinema and another Finnish family death.

Oh well, Finland can take it in the anal pore. I am an American now and forever. And if tall people rule – well, then Daniel Day-Lewis is my leader forever. He stayed up late and told stories.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Game of Thrones” in three, maybe four months. My excitement hurts. Winter is coming! If my words have no meaning then your mind is potato. Seriously.

October 7, 2011October 7, 2011

Real Steel [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Real Steel, Shawn Levy, John Gatins, Dan Gilroy, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Behind The Proscenium, Jeremy Leven, Hugh Jackman, Dakota Goyo, Evangeline Lilly, Anthony Mackie, Kevin Durand, Hope Davis, james Rebhorn, Marco Ruggeri, Karl Yune, Olga Fonda, John Gatins, Sophie Levy, Tess Levy, Charlie Levy, Gregory Sims, Torey Adkins, Tom Carlson, John Hawkinson, David Alan Basche, Phil LaMarr, David Herbst, Julian Gant, Ken Alter, Leilani Barrett, Eric Gutman, Nicholas Yu, D.B. Dickerson, Peter Carey, Dan Lemieux, Richard Goteri, Tim Holmes, Ricky Wayne, Taris Tyler, Kevin Dorman, John Manfredi, Rachael Adams, Mike Ancrile, Jamie Berk, Jeff Caponigro, Michael Patrick Carmody, Ron Causey, Jahnel Curfman, Larry C. Fenn, Joey Ghinelli, Shane Hagedorn, Robert Herrick, Jason Hughley, Kimberly Koltyk, Andrew Kruczynski, Chris Mannix, Jordan Kenneth Messing, Gary L. Minix, Steven Hugh Nelson, Chris Newman, Alan D. Purwin, Steven Scott, Daniel Everett Watson, Wendy Aaron, Apollo Bacala, Leah Barkoff, Joshua Ray Bell, Clark Birchmeier, Don Boerst, Wayne E. Brown, Geneva Brunetti, Kathleen Brzuszek, Justin P. Calkins, Steven Campbell, Michael B. Clark, Will Clarke, Jeremy Cook, Sandy Coonan, Eddie Davenport, John Dezsi, P.J. Edwards, Shannon Edwards, Raffi Elias, Rima Fakih, Tom Feldpausch, Johnny Flynn, Sarah Forton, Logan Fry, Ryan Genther, Jake Godzak, Ashley Goulson, Megan Grant, J.J. Green, Kevin Hall, Joey Harlow, Ron Heisler, Suzy Hunt, Pauline Ann Johnson, Josh Jones, Douglas King II, Nathan Kranzo, Joe Kras, Amy LaPlante, Kef Lee, Dervis Lici, Linda Linsley, Nathaniel Loveland, Rich Lozano, Bill Lumbert, Brad Leo Lyon, Mary Magyari, Jon Manthei, Melissa Marra, Rance Martin, Bryan Matti, Samuel Meadows, Antonio Miller, Wendel Millstead, Kirstie Munoz, Anton Narinskiy, Antoinette Nikprelai, Chris O'Brien, Clarence Olinger, Wendy Paquette, Matt Philliben, Ralph A. Recchia, Kara Joy Reed, Jay Reid, DaJuan Rippy, Nicolas Ritz, Jeff Rosenfeld, Maria Lucia Safi, Sebastian Sarkissian, Robert Sayers, Shana Schultz, Daryl M. Simpson, Gary Lee Simpson, Brian Anderson Smith, Joseph Smith, Nikki Smith, Dwight Sora, Paul J. Spear, Alan Stefan, Tiffany Stone, Morris Lee Sullivan, Regina Taufen, John E.L. Tenney, Johnny Truong, Eric Tuchelske, Laurie Valko, Brett VanDunk, Johnathon VanDusen, Kaitlan Welton, Jojuan Westmoreland, Paul W. Wilson, Amanda Wright, Ron Ames, Rick Benattar, Eric Hedayat, Shawn Levy, Josh McLaglen, Mary McLaglen, Susan Montford, Don Murphy, Jack Rapke, Steven Spielberg, Steve Starkey, Robert Zemeckis, Danny Elfman, Mauro Fiore, Dean Zimmerman, Richard Hicks, David Rubin, Tom Meyer, Seth Reed, Jason Baldwin Stewart, Jeff Wisniewski, Lauren Kress, Tina Anderson, Mark Graziano, Jennifer Bash, Jamie Bishop, Miles Teves, James Ashwill, Neal Garon, John Cucci, Helen Luttress, Greg Zimmerman, Alan Scott, Dan Akers, Ben Bray, Marie Fink, Ryan Nelson, Jonah Austin, Roy Sato, Marisa Clayton, Nicolas Hasson, Matthew Carson, Bill Abbott, Tony Amadi, Justin Calkins, Alexandra Ducocq, Alex Fields, Pam Ellington, John Hanlin, Kelly Helstrom, Tiffany Lanier, Gary Martyn, Michael Mili, Steven Molen, Demetrios Skodras, Lindsey Spaulding, Shelly Strong, Regina Taufen, Michalla Petersen, Irving Milgrom

An Apology: I was away in Finland for a tragic family. My own. To say, without too much, a cousin lost a fight with a cod boat. He was torn. But unlike The Humpty Egg, there was no putting him back from pieces.

Plus, there was college football and “Glee” (Ryan Murphy – Lindsay in only one episode so far? Are we now enemies? I could do worse on you than a cod boat – these are words!).

Now, A Review:

Real Steel

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

There was a time when the children all wanted to replace their little robot with a teddy bear to cuddle.

Or My Little Pony.

Or Dancing Torval, the Helsinki Wonder Elf (I miss you, Torval).

Today, society is violent, it offers young people an alternative rather disturbing.

The 11 year old wants his robot, but he be at war with other machines on boxing rings, the risk of losing its bolts and pay a lot of oil (out of his machine hole – nasty!).

Times change and Hollywood follows the trend increases or whatever.

In any case, the script “Real Steel” is confusing in this regard, the robot found in one case, which saves the life of the child is not receiving the emotional one, but no longer represents that an object dedicated to letting off steam in future games where at least the man has been replaced by powerful machines, he leads with voice or video game controllers (this is my newest entry in “The World’s Longest Sentence Competition.” Be sure to vote!).

You can not stop progress.

You can’t even stop Michael Bay, although for this he is not to blame.

At this level, these robots mark such progress that one wonders how the company proposed in futuristic “Real Steel” look like much of our time.

Apart from mobile phones and computers that are with transparency, the proposed future on the screen looks suspiciously like our present, or at least that of some American redneck present (“The Help” had no robots, but many rednecks), that of the hinterland that allows director Shawn Levy, director accustomed to pure comedy, giving us some very nice shots of landscapes.

His staging is really neat and keen, away from its usual entertainment achievements of great magnitude (“Liar, Liar”, “The Pink Panther”, “Night at the Museum”).

Magnitude!

Show very light for adults who will see an appropriate starting point for a racy tale of anticipation and visceral gutiness (maybe sex? Even more disappointing than “Glee”), “Real Steel” is exclusively for young people, especially during the film fun to patch up a crappy, unworthy father, obsessed with combat (he is himself a former boxer), and the son he never knew, since he abandoned at birth, the son.

Again, the figure of Hugh Jackman – an actor very concerned about his appearance throughout the film – has little flavor.

He is close to his son through the shared passion for real life Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.

What would he have been so indifferent to fighting had the kid?

Faced with this single-minded and immature father, completely loser, the child finds the right horse (well the good robot) to win fights, takes the control during competition and after a few opponents, already finds himself facing the champion of the world, the invincible Zeus (so fake! Zeus was a god, not a robot… Duh.)

Major madness for me – why in the name of hell was Evangeline Lilly wasted so?

And why am I still so mad at the “Lost” ending that left my life sucked like Twinkie filling? I tend for forgetting my viewing of the film – “Lost” really pissed me off.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, “Real Steel” – one thumb thinking “Hugh, be Wolverine already”, the other thumb thinking “Why did the Dharma Initiative exist – where did Ben Linus get all the money – and… an exploding submarine?!?

I mean, COME ON!!!!!” Damn you, “Lost”.

Go see it. Or don’t. Whatever.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Ryan Murphy – I am not kidding. Lindsay Pearce major storyline on “Glee” or I get liquored up and say mean things. At your face!

July 28, 2011July 28, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens [REVIEW]

Cowboys & Aliens

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Cowboys & Aliens. Who didn’t play this game in the backyard, when you were children?

I was always a cowboy for I had a hat. It (the scenario) was better on my neighbor Kurri’s backyard; than it was on the big-ass screen.

Story? Well, here goes something…

If a stranger wakes up in the middle in New Mexico in 1873, he does not have memory of his past.

So says this film.

The only reference point which he has is, clamped to his wrist, an outlandish metal bracelet.

The foreigner walks into the city of Absolution and confuses and angers of the local cattle baron – his son. And he has run afoul and a brigand (yes, at the same time).

But when he finds out why he can’t think (not booze – though that has made me not think – like last Wednesday… but that is for another article – boy, I was drunk) – I just got lost in my own sentence.

And from here, Cowboys & Aliens enters into same old, same old cycle, which has the again formed group to run into sporadic detours on their journey – only to be alien attacked again and again.

I miss Indians.

The attacks are shot acceptable. Director Jon Favreau is not stranger to the shooting activity, but there’s no tension, no edge of their seat excitement, which should come at all directions and from each possible position of constraint.

And then we find the heroes can die.

No one never did die in the Kurri’s backyard (not for lack of trying).

Cowboys & Aliens is played fast and loose. The film wastes no time with receiving firmly into and soon it is alien time.

This sets the movie away from other, shy, films. Like Super 8. Show the monster already!

Daniel Craig forms persuasive ass-kicker, for very much a cowboy. That is, if you’ve never seen a movie about cowboys – with or without aliens.

I won’t spoil the alien look. They’re gnarly and ugly – like Kathy Griffin (ha! A joke!).

But even awkward exhibition and lengthy letters can work on their way into an exciting adventure film. Unfortunately, no person it seems in Cowboys & Aliens seems to have fun.

Harrison Ford grumbles with constipation, which does in each film for the last several years (two words – stool softener. Changed my life).

There are moments here and, where he and Craig talk to each other with their eyeballs. Those moments are cool.

Sam Rockwell seems the only member which thoroughly amuses himself. At my screening, the chant “More Sam, more Sam” made the rafters dance (disco!).

And this disappointment continues and on into approximately each aspect of Cowboys & Aliens (that is fun to type).

A western film, tries to have John Ford landscapes, can not strike the necessary boundry-lessness of the west – and the alien motivation for the Earth grabbing? Stupid, stupid, stupid (my editor stops me at three stupids).

Summary: Cowboy & Aliens was better in the Kurri’s backyard of my childhood than in the multiplex which now probably fills the backyard of your youth.

Oh, and Olivia Wilde is fetching (new word)!

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium