September 2010 – Chairman's Blog

I have sold my Comcast stock.

Frankly, I am stunned at today’s announcement that Jeff Zucker has been fired by Steve Burke at Comcast. Little Stevie Burke (who was a Manka Bros. intern years ago in our Publishing Group) has some balls on him. He’s not even Jeff Zucker’s boss yet and he pulled the trigger on the firing.

My great old friend Brian Roberts doesn’t know what a treasure he has lost today. It’s a crazy world when someone like Jeff Zucker doesn’t have a media empire to run. I would call Brian on Jeff’s behalf to urge him to overrule Steve Burke, but I’m just too busy.

Well, JZ, even though Comcast Universal (which will still be smaller than Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company) doesn’t have a place for you after the merger, Manka Bros. DOES have a place for you. I would like to offer you a job anywhere you want in the organization. Check our Senior Management roster and pick the job you would like.

Manka Bros. has so underperformed this year, nearly every job is up for grabs (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl). Just give me a 24 hour heads up and I’ll fire whomever you wish to replace.

Though based on your track record, personally, I would prefer you stayed away from our television group – but, really, beggars can’t be choosers, right?

I know you’re hurting right now and probably inconsolable and crying but just remember all the good times we’ve had from Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat, to the lobster boil with Peter Chernin – lots of great times.

The party would continue and never stop if you joined our organization. The whole thing just breaks my heart and I only wish to God Manka Bros. would have acquired NBC Universal when we had the chance just so that you would still have a job.

I know everyone thinks you’re an asshole (welcome to the club!) but your accomplishments at NBC cannot be ignored – from the hiring of Ben Silverman to the way you handled the Jay Leno/Conan situation – NBC is in great shape and will only get stronger after you leave. You can hold your head up!

So, think about it. Take a couple of years, climb a mountain, backpack around Europe. Hopefully, at least, GE will cash out your vacation time. If not, and you need a low interest loan until you get back on your feet, just let me know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Good evening from the Seychelles.

While I wasn’t planning on contacting anyone except the bartender during my final vacation of the summer, this morning I was forwarded the 2010 Vanity Fair 100 List. Most people consider this list to be an annual ranking of the world’s most powerful media moguls – I consider this list to be shit.

WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT ON THIS LIST?!

We live in a media world dominated by Manka Bros. From the multiplex to the television to the newstand to the internet to every freakin’ handheld device, the people of the world simply cannot avoid Manka Bros. and yet we have been ignored… again.

Frankly, I am shocked that the writers of this story and the publisher of this magazine had the balls to make this grave error in judgment. I think I know why it happened, I just can’t believe that the people who put this bullshit list together would sacrifice their professional integrity over a personal vendetta.

It is simply unconscionable that Lady Gaga, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Ryan Kavanaugh (!!!!), Bob Iger and Barry Diller are on this list – yet I have been left off. Don’t get me wrong, I could care less about this stupid little list. You can’t rank moguls!

Perhaps a little backstory is necessary on how we got to where we are today.

I have known Graydon Carter (Editor-in-Chief of Vanity Fair) for nearly 40 years. We were in a tap and jazz dance class in Hollywood in the late 1960s before I rebelled against my father (the great asshole studio mogul Harry Manka) and turned to rock and roll where I founded the awesome power rock trio known as King Khan.

Due to my severe drug intake during those years, I don’t remember much… but I do remember Graydon kept hounding me to pitch my dad some idiotic movie idea which combined tap dancing and space exploration. I refused and we didn’t talk for many years.

In the mid-1980s (after I had taken over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros.), I had a dream about tap dancing astronauts and immediately called Graydon and asked if his idea was still available. It wasn’t.

Turns out, he had recently sold “Black Hole Time Step” (or whatever the hell it was) to Golan-Globus for $3 million (all cash in a suitcase). That movie was later completely rewritten and became Death Wish 4: The Crackdown… but I digress.

To make a long story short, after the recession hit in 2008 and everyone eventually declared print media dead, I made a hostile bid for Conde Nast (parent company of Vanity Fair) from its parent company – Advance Publications – for $8 million. Even though the publishing industry was extremely challenged, I figured for the right price it would be a good fit nestled within the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

Advance Publications Chairman & CEO S.I. Newhouse told me to ‘GO F MYSELF’.

I decided to take the high road from that remark and raised my bid to $8,000,100 and told S.I. to use that extra $100 to pay for the movers to clear out his office. I never heard back and here we are today.

Obviously, my old friend Graydon is afraid for his job and knew putting me on the Vanity Fair 100 list would not be looked on favorably by his ultimate corporate boss – Mr. Newhouse.

But things tend to even out over time. I have instructed our in-house media watchdog Jill Kennedy – Editor-in-Chief of OnMedea – to start putting together our own little list.

I’m thinking of calling it: THE MANKA 100 – Top 100 Failures In Media.

Hmmm… where should I start?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Month: September 2010

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Jeff Zucker A Job

Vanity Fair Can Suck It