Wall Street – Page 7 – Chairman's Blog

February 10, 2010May 6, 2011

Manka Bros. Corporate Offsite

Adrian Monck, Al Berkeley, Alan Marcus, Alex Wong, Andre Schneider, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Bali Four Seasons, Ben Silverman, Carine Benetti, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carlos Ghosn, Carsten Sudhoff, Chairman's Blog, Christine Lagarde, Christophe Weber, corporate layoffs, Corporate Offsite, Cristiana Falcone, David Aikman, Davos World Economic Forum, Denise Burnet, Dominic Waughray, Electus, Emilio Lozoya Austin, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Fon Mathuros, Giancarlo Bruno, Gilbert Probst, Guy Goodwin, Guy-Serge Baer, H.M. Queen Rania, Harry Manka, Heizo Takenaka, Helena Leurent, Indra Nooyi, Irene Mia, Ivan Pictet, Jean-Loup Denereaz, Jean-Pierre Rosso, Jeff Immelt, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jennifer Blanke, Jeremy Jurgens, John Moavenzadeh, Josef Ackermann, Joseph Schoendorf, Julianne Jammers, Katerine Tweedie, Kevin Steinberg, Khan Manka, Klaus Schwab, Kofi Annan, Kristel Van der Elst, Kurt Alig, Laurent Desnoux, Lee Howell, Lisa Dreier, Logan Stanton, Maldives Four Seasons, Malte Godbersen, Manka Bros., Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Martina Gmur, Massimo Marino, Maurice Levy, Max von Bismarck, Melanie Rogers, Michael Dell, Mirjam Schoning, movie studio, Nazi gold, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Raynaud, OnMedea, Orit Gadiesh, Paul Smyke, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Peter Sutherland, Piers Cumberlege, Pratik Bhatnagar, Rajat Gupta, Regula Waltenspuel, Richard Samans, Ricky Van Veen, Robert Greenhill, Rupert Murdoch, Saadia Zahidi, Sarita Nayyar, Sheana Tambourgi, Sherif El Diwany, Stephanie Janet, Stephen Kinnock, Sumner Redstone, Super Bowl, Susan Hockfield, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, Terry Semel, Tony Blair, Victor L.L. Chu, William George, world's largest media company

Good morning. I have returned from my keynote speech in Davos with a new sense of optimism about our business. After the global success of Avatar and the record-breaking television ratings of the Super Bowl, Old Media is back and we must quickly capture this lightning in a bottle before the New Media geeks take it away from us again.

So… with the recent layoffs and terrible financial news that our company endured last year, it is more important than ever for us to get our ducks in a row. That said, I am arranging a senior management offsite in about a month to determine where we will go from here.

I have narrowed our offsite location choice down to either Bali or the The Maldives.

Please vote on your preference via email or leave a blog comment. I’ll make the final decision in the next few days.

Now, more than ever, we need to commit our resources smartly in order to prosper in this very difficult economic environment.

Also, congratulations to Lloyd Grohl, he was the winner of the Manka Bros. Super Bowl pool. Please drop by my office for your $15,250 winnings. Asshole.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 28, 2010May 6, 2011

Davos World Economic Forum – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address

Adrian Monck, Al Berkeley, Alan Marcus, Alex Wong, Andre Schneider, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, Carine Benetti, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, Carlos Ghosn, Carsten Sudhoff, Christine Lagarde, Christophe Weber, Cristiana Falcone, David Aikman, Davos World Economic Forum, Denise Burnet, Dominic Waughray, Electus, Emilio Lozoya Austin, Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de Leon, Fon Mathuros, Giancarlo Bruno, Gilbert Probst, Guy Goodwin, Guy-Serge Baer, H.M. Queen Rania, Harry Manka, Heizo Takenaka, Helena Leurent, Indra Nooyi, Irene Mia, Ivan Pictet, Jean-Loup Denereaz, Jean-Pierre Rosso, Jeff Immelt, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jennifer Blanke, Jeremy Jurgens, John Moavenzadeh, Josef Ackermann, Joseph Schoendorf, Julianne Jammers, Katerine Tweedie, Kevin Steinberg, Khan Manka, Klaus Schwab, Kofi Annan, Kristel Van der Elst, Kurt Alig, Laurent Desnoux, Lee Howell, Lisa Dreier, Logan Stanton, Malte Godbersen, Manka Bros., Margareta Drzeniek Hanouz, Martina Gmur, Massimo Marino, Maurice Levy, Max von Bismarck, Melanie Rogers, Michael Dell, Mirjam Schoning, Nazi gold, Niall FitzGerald, Nicolas Sarkozy, Olivier Raynaud, OnMedea, Orit Gadiesh, Paul Smyke, Peter Brabeck-Letmathe, Peter Sutherland, Piers Cumberlege, Pratik Bhatnagar, Rajat Gupta, Regula Waltenspuel, Richard Samans, Ricky Van Veen, Robert Greenhill, Rupert Murdoch, Saadia Zahidi, Sarita Nayyar, Sheana Tambourgi, Sherif El Diwany, Stephanie Janet, Stephen Kinnock, Sumner Redstone, Susan Hockfield, Sushant Palakurthi Rao, Terry Semel, Tony Blair, Victor L.L. Chu, William George, world's largest media company

[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland. He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech for everyone at the studio to read. It is posted, unedited, below. — Vicky Adler-Modry – Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE 2010 DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM – JANUARY 28, 2010

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you very much President Sarkozy for that incredible introduction. I had no idea of the impact I and my company have had on you throughout your life. I was genuinely moved by your words. Give my love to your smoking hot wife.

[French President Nicolas Sarkozy embraces Khan Manka, Jr. and exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Thanks to the World Economic Forum Committee – or as I like to call them “The Drunken Dozen” – for choosing me to address this conference. It’s not often that an ex-hippie song plugger from the Laurel Canyon neighborhood of Los Angeles gets this kind of an opportunity. But it’s not often that a hippie song plugger from Laurel Canyon becomes the head of the World’s Largest Media Company. I can thank my bastard dad (legendary Hollywood mogul and Manka Bros. founding brother Harry Manka) for dying 35 years ago and sticking me with this suck ass job.

[Khan Manka, Jr. has to hold while the audience laughs uproariously.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Let me get right to it. You bankers with your ski resort conferences and presentations looking for answers on what went wrong is such a joke to me.

[A few audible hisses and one very loud “bull shit” is heard from the crowd.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Fuck you guys. The global economy is not a difficult thing to figure out. Make shit that people want to buy and sell it for a price that people can pay. There is a reason Manka Bros. is the World’s Largest Media Company. It’s simple. It’s because we are the biggest and we are not stupid. When Jimmy Cameron came to me and said he wanted to make a $400 million dollar movie about blue people set on a distant planet, I passed. No fucking way am I shooting a movie on another planet. It’s expensive enough in California!

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I then asked him if he had any teenage Frankenstein movies. Actually, he did. I’m happy to say Manka Bros. has started production on James Cameron’s “Frankie Stein” – for a budget that is almost half of what it cost to make “Avatar“. THAT’S good business. That’s why we’re still IN business.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The media world is especially easy to figure out. Everybody is trying to come up with new business models, new gadgets, new ways for people to experience the crappy shit we all produce. Translation: We’ve got to exploit this horrible movie or TV series on multiple platforms so we can get our money back. MAKE GOOD CONTENT AND PEOPLE WILL BUY IT. If you want to stick it on an iPad or a Lieberscanner 3000, go right ahead. But first, find writers who can write, directors who can direct, actors who can act, and producers who can produce. Everything else will take care of itself.

[Applause and a few shouts of approval.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: You international bankers are a real freaky bunch. You love to find ways not to give me money for my movies. It’s not like you’re strapped for cash. You recovered and kept all that gold the Nazi’s stole, for Christ’s sake!

[There is gasp from the audience.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: But you’ll all be sorry. We’ve got a great film slate. I thought you idiots liked Will Ferrell. We’ve got three movies with him ready to go: “Gregory Lopez: Excellent Plumber”, “Ray Edwards: African Explorer”, and, my favorite, “Mud Jenkins: County Assessor”. We’re going to make billions with or without your precious money… that you stole!

[A red light flashes in Khan Manka, Jr.’s face.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I’m being told to wrap it up. So I will end with these words from my Uncle – the great Khan Manka, Sr. – “Hollywood is a town where everybody is desperate for success and nearly everyone fails. But if you are a mogul and you make movies, you will get laid… a lot.” Thank you. I’ll be drinking tonight with the Money Honey at the Hotel Eden bar if anyone would like to come over and get drunk with me.

[Khan Manka, Jr. exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

January 13, 2010May 6, 2011

Oren Aviv – Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer You A Job

Alan Bergman, Alan Braverman, Andrew Mooney, Andy Bird, Anne Sweeney, Anthony Marcoly, Ari Emanual, Bob Cavallo, Bob Chapek, Bob Iger, Bob Zemeckis, Brent Woodford, Bruce Hendricks, Christine McCarthy, Chuck Viane, Claudia Eller, Daniel Battsek, Dawn Chmielewski, Dick Cook, Disney, Dr. Ed. Catmull, George Bodenheimer, Greg Brandeau, Jay Rasulo, Jayne Parker, Jeff Miller, Jeff Weiner, Jeremy Zimmer, Jerry Bruckheimer, Joe Roth, John Lasseter, John Travolta, Johnny Depp, Kara Swisher, Kevin Mayer, Khan Manka, Manka Bros., McG, Nikki Finke, Oren Aviv, Pixar, Preston Padden, Rich Ross, Richard Ross, Robin Williams, Ronald Iden, Rupert Murdoch, Sam Gores, Sandra Bullock, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Wadsworth, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, thewrap.com, Thomas Schumacher, Thomas Staggs, Tim Burton, Walt Disney Studios, Walter Liss, Zenia Mucha

Yesterday, I was shocked to learn that Oren Aviv was fired as President of Disney Motion Picture Productions. While I have never met Mr. Aviv personally, I have heard that he is an excellent cribbage player (and you all know how much I admire good cribbage).

I’m not really sure what Rich Ross has in mind for his executive team at Disney but it seems to me he’s really fucking things up and creating a Colonel Kurtz-like environment of ultimate power. Ultimate power over teenage girl media content… but still ultimate power.

Well, I say, good luck to him. All I can hope is that my good friend Bob Iger has Mr. Ross on a short leash. I get a creepy feeling whenever I drive past the Disney Studios as though those freakin’ Dwarfs are watching my every move. I wouldn’t be surprised if the severed heads of middle managers start to appear on the Disney perimeter fence – stuck on top of the iron Micky Mouse ears – as a warning to those who don’t fall in line.

(And please don’t email me about the above comment. I realize the severed head thing happened many years ago at Manka Bros. when my father, Harry Manka, ran the studio – but it was only that one time – and I heard the guy deserved it.)

But I digress. Back back to Oren Aviv.

Manka Bros., the world’s largest media company, would like to offer Mr. Aviv a very high-level position at the studio. Perhaps even President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group (especially considering how shitty a job Robin Rafe has been doing these last couple of years). Even Disney’s worse year is far better than our best year lately.

Whatever job you think you might like, Oren, just let me know. I’m happy to push out anyone (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl) to give you a place here. Things are looking up for Manka Bros. and we’d love to have you on our team.

And don’t even think about going to Fox (Rupert Murdoch will make you clean the urinals) or Paramount (Sumner Redstone will make you wipe his ass).

Let me know, Oren, ASAP – I have a feeling a lot more are about to be fired.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 2, 2009May 16, 2011

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts Called Me Last Night

Andy Forssell, Angela Bromstad, AOL Time Warner, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Block, Ava Seave, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Daly, Bob Iger, Brian Roberts, Bruce C. Greenwald, Chadwick Ho, Comcast, David Carr, David Cohen, Disney, Dr. Judith Rodin, DreamWorks, Edward Breen, Eric Feng, Fancast, Gerald Hassell, Gerry Levin, Hulu, IAC, J. Michael Cook, Jace Hall, Jason Hall, Jason Kilar, Jean-Marie Messier, Jean-Paul Colaco, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Katzenberg, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Honickman, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Joe Collins, Johannes Larcher, Jonathan A. Knee, Julian Brodsky, Kenneth Bacon, Khan Manka, Lawrence Salva, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Michael Angelakis, Michael Eisner, Michael Sovern, NBC Universal, New York Times, News Corp., OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Ralph Roberts, Robert Iger, Rupert Murdoch, S. Decker Anstrom, Sheldon M. Bonovitz, Stephen Burke, Steve Case, Sumner Redstone, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, The Curse of the Mogul, Time Warner, Tom Fuelling, Viacom, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. I just want to say to all the thousands of Manka Bros. employees who think they’ve got a shitty job… you have no idea how lucky you are. You could work at Comcast.

My old friend Brian Roberts called me in a panic last night.

[A little back story: Brian and I go way back to my days in King Khan (my 1970s rock band). Brian filled in one night on bass and was absolutely horrible. For some reason, he thought he would be able to rock and get chicks without even knowing how to hold the damn instrument. I fired him after one song. Audience member Dexter Clangfree jumped on stage and finished the show (and became our full time bass player). Brian still hung around the band like a groupie and we eventually let him into our inner circle. We called him “Bogart Brian” because once you passed him a joint, you never got it back.]

Anyway… Brian called me last night in an absolute drunken panic about this upcoming disastrous acquisition of NBC Universal. The first words out of his mouth were: “Khan, what the fuck am I doing? This is madness. Why would anyone in their right mind overpay for a failed broadcast network and failed movie studio! Didn’t you read ‘The Curse of the Mogul’?”

I told him he wasn’t in his right mind but added that ‘The Curse of the Mogul’ is complete bullshit and he shouldn’t pay any attention to what the jealous, wannabe mogul hacks who wrote that book had to say.

I continued: “Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company. There is no disputing that – and there wasn’t one mention of Manka Bros. it that goddamned book! All credibility is lost right there. And these fuckers are going to tell me that being the biggest isn’t a competitive advantage? Put Mike Tyson in a boxing ring with Wally Cox and tell me that size isn’t a competitive advantage!”

There was a pause. I could hear ice clinking through the other end of the phone. I knew Brian was drinking heavily.

I finished my thought: “That said… this Comcast / NBC deal is fucking stupid. You should do what Tiger Woods didn’t do… pull out.”

Brian whimpered like he always does when in a tight corner: “I can’t do that, Khan. There is something… bigger at hand here. I can’t talk. They’re watching my every move. ZUCKER CROWS AT DAWN!… I’m sorry, Khan, I’ve put your life in danger. Pray for me!”

He let out an anguished grunt which was followed by a muffled click… and he was gone.

Zucker Crows At Dawn? Poor Brian. Another successful brainwashing by Jeff Zucker – who continues to amaze me in his ability to fail upward. Somebody should just fire that guy before more people lose their minds.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – To all Comcast shareholders… SELL SELL SELL!

November 3, 2009May 17, 2011

Strauss Zelnick’s Rooftop Salon

Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Lerer, Ben Silverman, Billy Elliot, BMG Entertainment, Bob Lessin, Broadway, David Remnick, Fred Wilson, Gawker, Heather Harde, Henry Blodget, Jeff Weiner, Jeremy Phillips, Josh Abramson, Kara Swisher, Ken Lerer, Khan Manka, Malcolm Gladwell, Manka Bros., Mariska Hargitay, Masa, New Media, Nick Denton, Nikki Finke, Old Media, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Rampage of the Stegosaur, Ricky Van Veen, rooftop salon, Sam Lessin, Scott Heiferman, Sharon Waxman, Sherry Netherland Hotel, short-form content, Slivovitz, Strauss Zelnick, Sumner Redstone, TechCrunch, Terry Semel, The New Yorker, thewrap.com, ZelnickMedia

Good afternoon from New York.

Due to the ongoing $5 million renovation of my Burbank studio office, I have been in New York since last week staying at my usual suite at the Sherry Netherland Hotel.

I don’t like to come to New York that often because everyone is such an asshole, but I felt it was time to check in on the Manka Bros. East Coast operations and take a peak at the rehearsals for our upcoming Broadway Manka musical “Rampage Of The Stegosaur”.

Last night, I received a very nice invitation from my old friend Strauss Zelnick. ZelnickMedia has a very nice collection of assets including Take-Two Interactive and Columbia Music. Strauss and I used to butt heads quite a bit during his whacked out BMG Entertainment days (the asshole wouldn’t let me buy him out!).

Apparently, he has a rooftop salon every couple of months for “heavy-hitters” in the New Media world (which means “small-time punks” to us in the Old Media world). He heard I was in town and asked me to come by. He knew that Manka Bros. had recently committed $1 billion to the production of online short-form content and thought I would bring an interesting large media company point of view.

Thinking this was going to be quite the event, I quickly canceled my dinner (Masa) and show plans (Billy Elliot) with Mariska Hargitay and headed over to one of Strauss’ magnificent midtown Manhattan office buildings for his amazing rooftop salon! However, all that glitters is not gold. As soon as I walked onto that God-awful rooftop, I knew I chose the wrong event.

First of all, for such a rich guy, I would have expected more in the area of food.

While the El Diablo Taco Cart does make a pretty decent taco, Strauss really should have served something a little more high-end for such an “elite” group of New Media freaks (though you won’t get any complaints from Jeremy Phillips at News Corp. He had at least four fully-loaded grande beef tacos before I even got to the front of the line). That’s another thing, I really shouldn’t have had to wait in line. It was a fucking embarrassment, Strauss!

[Another thing, Strauss, you should have said it was BYOB. Surely, you have at least enough money for a couple of cases of PBR. Jesus Christ. I had to call my New York assistant, Ramon, and have a couple of bottles of Slivovitz delivered. I would have had more sent if I knew Malcolm Gladwell was such a cheap drunk.]

So… as for the event… it was a complete disappointment and waste of time. One after another, different “experts” in the shallow world of New Media got up and talked and talked and talked… and didn’t say shit. I was expecting nothing and it still sucked.

Malcolm Gladwell (The New Yorker) basically said we were all full of ourselves if we think for one minute that we’re changing the world in any way. He said it in such a “Fuck you, I’m totally full of myself “kind of way that I really wanted to throw him off the rooftop. But then I become the jerk. Assholes.

Next came another New Yorker writer, David Remnick, who started talking about some bullshit thing.

At this point, I had trouble paying attention as I began to sweat and shake violently and really needed to find a bathroom (thank you, El Diablo Tacos!).

I spent the next hour in the rooftop Port-a-Potty going in and out of consciousness.

The next thing I knew, I was in Strauss Zelnick’s office on a blow up mattress. Strauss said the taco cart really put a damper on the evening’s agenda. Several people, including Heather Harde of TechCrunch required on-site medical attention.

Strauss said the only positive to come out of the salon was that Malcolm Gladwell promised to never come back.

We then laughed and did a shot of Slivovitz. Before I left, I invited Strauss to L.A. where the real media people play.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios