Jeffrey Immelt – Page 7 – Chairman's Blog

December 2, 2009May 16, 2011

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts Called Me Last Night

Andy Forssell, Angela Bromstad, AOL Time Warner, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Block, Ava Seave, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Daly, Bob Iger, Brian Roberts, Bruce C. Greenwald, Chadwick Ho, Comcast, David Carr, David Cohen, Disney, Dr. Judith Rodin, DreamWorks, Edward Breen, Eric Feng, Fancast, Gerald Hassell, Gerry Levin, Hulu, IAC, J. Michael Cook, Jace Hall, Jason Hall, Jason Kilar, Jean-Marie Messier, Jean-Paul Colaco, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Katzenberg, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Honickman, Jeffrey Immelt, Jill Kennedy, Joe Collins, Johannes Larcher, Jonathan A. Knee, Julian Brodsky, Kenneth Bacon, Khan Manka, Lawrence Salva, Les Moonves, Manka Bros., Michael Angelakis, Michael Eisner, Michael Sovern, NBC Universal, New York Times, News Corp., OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Ralph Roberts, Robert Iger, Rupert Murdoch, S. Decker Anstrom, Sheldon M. Bonovitz, Stephen Burke, Steve Case, Sumner Redstone, Ted Turner, Terry Semel, The Curse of the Mogul, Time Warner, Tom Fuelling, Viacom, World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. I just want to say to all the thousands of Manka Bros. employees who think they’ve got a shitty job… you have no idea how lucky you are. You could work at Comcast.

My old friend Brian Roberts called me in a panic last night.

[A little back story: Brian and I go way back to my days in King Khan (my 1970s rock band). Brian filled in one night on bass and was absolutely horrible. For some reason, he thought he would be able to rock and get chicks without even knowing how to hold the damn instrument. I fired him after one song. Audience member Dexter Clangfree jumped on stage and finished the show (and became our full time bass player). Brian still hung around the band like a groupie and we eventually let him into our inner circle. We called him “Bogart Brian” because once you passed him a joint, you never got it back.]

Anyway… Brian called me last night in an absolute drunken panic about this upcoming disastrous acquisition of NBC Universal. The first words out of his mouth were: “Khan, what the fuck am I doing? This is madness. Why would anyone in their right mind overpay for a failed broadcast network and failed movie studio! Didn’t you read ‘The Curse of the Mogul’?”

I told him he wasn’t in his right mind but added that ‘The Curse of the Mogul’ is complete bullshit and he shouldn’t pay any attention to what the jealous, wannabe mogul hacks who wrote that book had to say.

I continued: “Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company. There is no disputing that – and there wasn’t one mention of Manka Bros. it that goddamned book! All credibility is lost right there. And these fuckers are going to tell me that being the biggest isn’t a competitive advantage? Put Mike Tyson in a boxing ring with Wally Cox and tell me that size isn’t a competitive advantage!”

There was a pause. I could hear ice clinking through the other end of the phone. I knew Brian was drinking heavily.

I finished my thought: “That said… this Comcast / NBC deal is fucking stupid. You should do what Tiger Woods didn’t do… pull out.”

Brian whimpered like he always does when in a tight corner: “I can’t do that, Khan. There is something… bigger at hand here. I can’t talk. They’re watching my every move. ZUCKER CROWS AT DAWN!… I’m sorry, Khan, I’ve put your life in danger. Pray for me!”

He let out an anguished grunt which was followed by a muffled click… and he was gone.

Zucker Crows At Dawn? Poor Brian. Another successful brainwashing by Jeff Zucker – who continues to amaze me in his ability to fail upward. Somebody should just fire that guy before more people lose their minds.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – To all Comcast shareholders… SELL SELL SELL!

October 19, 2009July 25, 2011

The Future Of Television – As Told To Me By Michael Eisner

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Good afternoon.

Over the past few days, Michael Eisner’s lawyers have attempted to put a muzzle on me.

Apparently, M.E. didn’t like the idea of me blogging about our Duck Hunting trip last week and wanted to try and stop me from putting up a part two. Some of the top lawyers in Hollywood have been fighting and I’m completely fed up with it. I’m just going blog and don’t give a shit what the repercussions may be.

As I was saying last week, Michael Eisner picked me up in his military-style helicopter and took me duck hunting. I had never been duck hunting before and I don’t scare easily, but when I climbed into that Duck Blind with M.E. and saw the crazed look in his eyes, I was afraid.

As he started to load his 12-gauge shotgun with shells, he looked up:

M.E.: It gets a lot darker at night for me than anyone else in the world. I’m going to leave my head to science so they can try to figure out what the hell was going on inside my brain.

We sat in silence for about five minutes. Someone had already loaded a gun for me and I had it across my lap, not quite sure what to do with it. M.E. fluttered his eyes a bit as he blew softly into an ominous sounding duck call that echoed over the lake.

KM: So… what do we do? Sit here and wait for the ducks and then try to shoot them?

M.E.: Waiting for the ducks. Ha, that’s the problem with Manka Bros. You’re always waiting for the ducks.

KM: What the fuck does that mean? I run the biggest media company in the world and you’re telling me what’s wrong with my company? What do you got? Baseball cards?

Suddenly, M.E. leaped to his feet, swinging the gun up.

M.E.: QUACK RIGHT SHOOT!

He blasted two quick SHOTS. There were two quick duck HONKS. And then two quick SPLASHES.

M.E: Katzenberg! Ducks!

His dog, Katzenberg, leaped out of the blind and swam toward the killed ducks. Katzenberg gathered them in his mouth and swam back to the blind.

M.E.: Good dog. Pretty slow on the trigger there, Khan.

KM: You don’t mind if I just sit here, do you? I really don’t want to shoot at ducks. My life is interesting enough.

M.E.’s eyes darted back and forth, not sure whether to shoot me or let it go. We momentarily returned to small talk, asking about each other’s families and our health, etc. M.E. shot eight more ducks. Katzenberg fished them out of the pond. Finally, M.E. got around to the point he wanted to make.

M.E.: The future of television is fucked.

KM: In its current form, yes, I would say it is challenged.

M.E.: In any form. It’s over. Spending additional dollars on a declining asset is what dumb asses do.

KM: There’s still an audience. You gotta put something on the air. Severed Fingers is profitable just from International sales. Why quit a business that’s profitable?

M.E.: Why don’t you sell typewriters or bulk up on VHS cassettes or dial-up modems? Plenty of people still need those things and you’ll make a profit since it means so fucking much to you. Whoop-tee-fuckin-do!

His eyes were starting to roll back into his head. I knew I had to get out of there. I had no idea where I was but I did have my Blackberry and was able to send a PING to my assistant, Vicky. Once she receives my distress call I am normally picked up within the hour no matter where I am in the world.

KM: Then, tell me Michael, where do you think media is headed? Online? Cell phones? You know, Manka Bros. is spending $1 billion on short-form internet-only content.

M.E.: I will shoot you dead if you mention the “I” word again. The Internet is over. My online series “Prom Queen” hit at the peak of that fad. No no… the future is right here.

KM: What do you mean? A couple of guys talking by a pond with a loaded gun in their hands?

M.E.: That’s part of it. Human interaction is the future. It’s real. Something you can’t slap a banner ad next to and call it “paid content”. It’s just you, me and the meat that we kill and eat. I’m going “into the wild”.

He seemed sincere. He looked tired. Frankly, he looked done.

M.E.: You may go, Khan. If you tell anyone about this conversation, I will hunt you down and slaughter you like a mountain goat.

Michael Eisner’s chopper took me away and I was back in Los Angeles in time to watch the suck-ass Dodgers lose. Mariska Hargitay was the only guest allowed in the Manka Bros. Suite at Dodgers Stadium.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – Do not fret, Manka Bros. will still be producing high-quality television content long after Michael Eisner freezes to death in a bus outside of Fairbanks, Alaska.

October 14, 2009July 25, 2011

Duck Hunting With Michael Eisner

Good afternoon.

I have just returned safely from one of the weirdest fucked up days I’ve had in a long time (and I’ve had quite a few fucked up days lately).

On Monday night, I received a call from my old pal and competitor Michael Eisner (M.E.) who, as you know, used to be the Chairman & CEO of Disney before (as he says it) “being released into the wild by the Board of Directors to fend for himself”.

M.E. wanted to pick me up at 3:00 a.m. by helicopter and take me to one of the private duck hunting ponds he owns in northern California to do some hunting and talk about The Future of Television.

I explained that normally I would jump at that opportunity (I had never been duck hunting in my life) but I had Sumner Redstone staying at my house and he was not in the best emotional state (because he’s almost broke).

After a few moments of back-and-forth negotiations with M.E., it was settled that I would be picked up at 2:00 a.m. and I was to turn Sumner Redstone out into the street. (Michael Eisner is a master negotiator.)

At 2:00 a.m., M.E. arrived right on time, his massive military-style helicopter landing on my Great Lawn. The fucker didn’t seem to care that I had recently had a million dollar landscaping job completed.

He was dressed in combat fatigues with his face painted green and brown and brandishing two 12-gauge shotguns. I was dressed in gym shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes. I wasn’t aware there was a costume for duck hunting.

M.E.: Are you fucking kidding me, Khan? Seriously, what the fuck is your problem? What are you wearing? Do you have your own gun or do you need to rent one from me?

I explained that I have never been duck hunting and didn’t realize there were special clothes.

M.E.: To kill a duck, you have to think like a duck. Capisce?

I wouldn’t think a duck would want to wear those clothes or that make-up. But I played along and found an old Army General’s uniform that my dad (Harry Manka) used to wear around the Manka Bros. studio lot to intimate talent.

I put that on and smeared my face with camouflage make-up that M.E. had with him. I would have to rent a duck-shooting-gun from M.E. as the only weapons in my house were controlled by my security team.

Flying low over the southern California mountains, M.E. leaned out of the chopper observing the pre-dawn movements of the San Fernando Valley like he was in the jungles of Vietnam. He held this position and didn’t speak for the approximate two hour flight to a remote area south of Sacramento.

Suddenly, through a mist, a giant pond appeared with large reeds sprouting out of it. M.E. looked up and gave me a wink.

M.E.: (pointing down) Quack-gri-la – we’re home.

The chopper landed and several very serious handlers came out to greet us – all dressed in military fatigues and wearing ridiculous duck-shooting hats with ear flaps.

M.E.: I’m going to take a couple of minutes to let my balls stop vibrating, then I’ll meet you in “the blind”.

Apparently, he meant “duck blind”… and I didn’t know what that was – but I was soon to find out.

And I was soon to get into a very interesting discussion on The Future of Television (which was quite different from my discussion on The Future of Media with Bob Iger – M.E.’s successor at Disney).

But now, I’m worn out. So I’ll get into all that tomorrow.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

September 29, 2009July 27, 2011

Tag: Jeffrey Immelt

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts Called Me Last Night

The Curse Of The Mogul