Jill Kennedy – Page 4 – Chairman's Blog

September 1, 2010May 3, 2011

Vanity Fair Can Suck It

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While I wasn’t planning on contacting anyone except the bartender during my final vacation of the summer, this morning I was forwarded the 2010 Vanity Fair 100 List. Most people consider this list to be an annual ranking of the world’s most powerful media moguls – I consider this list to be shit.

WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT ON THIS LIST?!

We live in a media world dominated by Manka Bros. From the multiplex to the television to the newstand to the internet to every freakin’ handheld device, the people of the world simply cannot avoid Manka Bros. and yet we have been ignored… again.

Frankly, I am shocked that the writers of this story and the publisher of this magazine had the balls to make this grave error in judgment. I think I know why it happened, I just can’t believe that the people who put this bullshit list together would sacrifice their professional integrity over a personal vendetta.

It is simply unconscionable that Lady Gaga, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Ryan Kavanaugh (!!!!), Bob Iger and Barry Diller are on this list – yet I have been left off. Don’t get me wrong, I could care less about this stupid little list. You can’t rank moguls!

Perhaps a little backstory is necessary on how we got to where we are today.

I have known Graydon Carter (Editor-in-Chief of Vanity Fair) for nearly 40 years. We were in a tap and jazz dance class in Hollywood in the late 1960s before I rebelled against my father (the great asshole studio mogul Harry Manka) and turned to rock and roll where I founded the awesome power rock trio known as King Khan.

Due to my severe drug intake during those years, I don’t remember much… but I do remember Graydon kept hounding me to pitch my dad some idiotic movie idea which combined tap dancing and space exploration. I refused and we didn’t talk for many years.

In the mid-1980s (after I had taken over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros.), I had a dream about tap dancing astronauts and immediately called Graydon and asked if his idea was still available. It wasn’t.

Turns out, he had recently sold “Black Hole Time Step” (or whatever the hell it was) to Golan-Globus for $3 million (all cash in a suitcase). That movie was later completely rewritten and became Death Wish 4: The Crackdown… but I digress.

To make a long story short, after the recession hit in 2008 and everyone eventually declared print media dead, I made a hostile bid for Conde Nast (parent company of Vanity Fair) from its parent company – Advance Publications – for $8 million. Even though the publishing industry was extremely challenged, I figured for the right price it would be a good fit nestled within the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.

Advance Publications Chairman & CEO S.I. Newhouse told me to ‘GO F MYSELF’.

I decided to take the high road from that remark and raised my bid to $8,000,100 and told S.I. to use that extra $100 to pay for the movers to clear out his office. I never heard back and here we are today.

Obviously, my old friend Graydon is afraid for his job and knew putting me on the Vanity Fair 100 list would not be looked on favorably by his ultimate corporate boss – Mr. Newhouse.

But things tend to even out over time. I have instructed our in-house media watchdog Jill Kennedy – Editor-in-Chief of OnMedea – to start putting together our own little list.

I’m thinking of calling it: THE MANKA 100 – Top 100 Failures In Media.

Hmmm… where should I start?

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 28, 2010May 4, 2011

Manka Bros. Would NOT Like To Offer Steve McPherson A Job

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… at least not until after the investigation of sexual harassment is complete.

If it turns out he is completely innocent and didn’t do any of the fucked up shit that is leveled against him – I just may reconsider and offer Stevie Mac a job (as I did yesterday).

Actually, he’s no longer Stevie Mac to me until the charges are cleared. He’s Stephen McPherson. Manka Bros. has enough troubles.

Good thing my friend Bob Iger has the sense to replace him with some English guy. English men would never do this sort of thing.

An [alleged] sexual harasser would not do well at Manka Bros. – especially in the Television Group. Most of the women of Manka Bros. are very good at taekwondo. I know because I’ve… witnessed it first hand.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

July 27, 2010May 4, 2011

Manka Bros. Would Like To Offer Steve McPherson A Job

So the idiots at Disney have decided to let Steve McPherson “resign”. (As an aside, my great friend Bob Iger is NOT included as one of the “idiots”. Bob, with whom I just had a truly bizarre week with at Herb Allen’s Sun Valley Retreat, is great.)

If I may just say – WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THINKING?!!

I personally feel that Stevie Mac (as I remember him when he was a Manka Bros. intern right out of Pierce College in Woodland Hills) is one of the great network programmers in history and believe that ABC is fucked because he is leaving.

However, this disgraceful negative can easily turn into a Manka Bros. positive.

Because of our mutual disrespect of Ben Silverman and everything he represents (please read the Manka Bros. Business blogger Jill Kennedy for more details), I would like to offer Steve McPherson the job of running the Manka Bros. Television Group (including the hopelessly lost MBS Television Network).

We currently have a President of the Television Group, Jay McBee, but he really sucks and only has his job because he won a random draw nationwide competition based on a code found underneath a Pepsi cap. Before winning, he worked at a Radio Shack in Sioux City, IA. In the TV business, that is almost always enough of a qualification. However, based on the recent announcement of our 2010/2011 fall schedule, I believe it’s time for a change.

So, Stevie Mac – please call my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and set up an appointment so we can talk.

Thanks for your acceptance in advance.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

June 9, 2010May 5, 2011

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone

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“I’m a firm believer that everyone is a freakin’ idiot and don’t know shit about nothing…” – Harry Manka (my father)

Good afternoon. It’s been a while.

I’ve been away for the past few weeks working on a secret deal. I can’t tell you the details but I can say that I rode back on Manka Jet 1 (The Joey) with Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone.

If you want to believe that the deal somehow involves them then go ahead and make that assumption. Make an asshole out of yourself.

As we all know, the world is going digital. And as goes the world – so goes Manka Bros. Studios (or is it the reverse?). With the world’s largest library of film and television content, Manka Bros. is in the best position to take advantage of this digital (r)evolution.

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone’s pathetic attempt to purchase Manka Bros. over the weekend for several billion dollars just proves how bullish we should all be at our company.

Keep up the work (I can’t say “good” work because, frankly, you’ve all sucked at your jobs the past few months. How about a hit movie [WTF is “Flaccid Trip”?] or TV show [“My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent”?]… for once?!).

More to come in the remaining days before I disappear for the summer.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

April 13, 2010November 15, 2011

Bob Iger Called Me This Morning

Bob Iger and I are on different schedules.

This morning, at about 4:30a.m.(!!), Bob Iger called me while hanging from his gravity bar. (He said he likes to hang upside down about two hours in the morning to get the blood flowing into his head.)

This was exposition I really didn’t need as I was completely hungover this morning after another bizarre night of carousing (different story) in Hollywood with Sumner Redstone (who is still staying at my house because he is afraid to be alone).

Bob said he was calling because I was the only person in town that would tell him the truth. “Even Ike Perlmutter is being a total pussy and won’t tell me what’s what…” – (he said off the record).

It seems Bob has been completely racked with guilt due to the glowing puff piece written about him by Brooks Barnes in the New York Times. He said he is having doubts and doesn’t feel worthy for such praise.

“How do you do it, Khan?”, Bob said. “People write horrible things about you all the time – never giving you any praise – and it doesn’t bother you a bit.”

A single tear formed in one of my eyes. I don’t think he could hear the emotion in my voice.

“Hell no, it’s doesn’t bother me, Bob. Manka Bros., while still the world’s largest media company, has had challenging economics for the past 30 years. You have to keep living your life, Bob – your perfect little freakin’ life with your beautiful little freakin’ wife – and not let work get in the way. We’re all doomed to fail.”

At this point, I had to immediately slam a hair-of-the-dog shot of whiskey before I blew last night’s steak and shrimp from Mastro’s all over the bathroom floor.

I continued: “Fuck the press. Fuck them all. If they like you – fine. If you they hate you – better. You don’t want those people propping you up. They’re only propping you up to, eventually, take you down! The fact that you feel unworthy for this praise proves that you are unworthy of this praise. You need to go climb a mountain – get your head straight.”

“Funny you should say that, Khan, I’m climbing K2 next weekend.”

“Fuck you, Bob.”

I hung up and went back to bed. While I do genuinely like Bob Iger (we met in a hippie drum circle on Venice Beach in the 1970s) – I am now hoping he fails at everything he does. Or falls off K2.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

February 26, 2010May 6, 2011

Lunch With Sumner Redstone and David Geffen

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Good morning. Yesterday, as I was having my monthly lunch with Sumner Redstone at the Hamburger Hamlet in Hollywood, David Geffen stopped by to say hello and asked if he could join us. We’ve all known each other for years but it was the first time the three of us ever sat down to a meal. Geffen ordered another Turning Leaf Chardonnay and a shot of Gordon’s vodka and had a seat.

We exchanged a few words about the news that he was Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” inspiration. He said he thought that song was about him. I asked him if he wanted to get back into the music business and, if so, would he be interested in taking over Manka Bros. Records – which really needs a shot in the ass (Seamus is coming in far below expectations).

He declined and said the only thing that interests him now are those little Japanese trees.

Sumner asked Geffen about his art collection and if he’d be willing to sell a few of his more valuable pieces (in reality, Sumner couldn’t afford a wall covering from Pier 1 right now).

As they kept talking, a light bulb went off in my head. I would like to buy some art. I’m sitting on an enormous pile of cash and need to do something with it. Banks and stocks are certainly no place to put money these days. And after the massive layoffs and cutbacks at Manka Bros. last year, it might just be the thing that would cheer me up. I’m sure the remaining employees at the studio would really get a kick out of knowing their boss has just bought some really great art for his house and office. And, from what I understand, there are some real bargains out there because of the recession.

So I started to pick David Geffen’s brain. He said his main focus is post-World War 2 Abstract American Art. Well, that’s the most boring fucking thing I could ever imagine. What I want are Picassos and Van Goghs – art that people have heard of.

He said he had a few original Picasso sketchbooks that he may be willing to part with… for the right price. And he had some personal items of Van Gogh – a couple of shoes and an unused toothbrush.

That kind of shit doesn’t interest me at all. I want that Starry Night painting or the Chick Playing the Lute. He said he didn’t own those.

He mentioned Jackson Pollock and I reminded him of the horrible box office grosses of the movie Pollock. He reminded me of the horrible box office grosses of Vincent & Theo (which I blame more on Robert Altman than anything else).

I could go on about our insane conversation, but I won’t (Geffen went on and on about the brilliance of Damien Hirst and Jeff Koons – I looked them up and they are freaks).

Here’s the deal – I want to buy some art.

Anyone at the studio who knows something about it – let me know. There must be a couple of Art History majors floating around the Script Development Department (God knows we have enough Folklore Mythology majors).

Perhaps I’ll even invite you to lunch in my executive dining room.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

December 2, 2009May 16, 2011

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts Called Me Last Night

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Good morning. I just want to say to all the thousands of Manka Bros. employees who think they’ve got a shitty job… you have no idea how lucky you are. You could work at Comcast.

My old friend Brian Roberts called me in a panic last night.

[A little back story: Brian and I go way back to my days in King Khan (my 1970s rock band). Brian filled in one night on bass and was absolutely horrible. For some reason, he thought he would be able to rock and get chicks without even knowing how to hold the damn instrument. I fired him after one song. Audience member Dexter Clangfree jumped on stage and finished the show (and became our full time bass player). Brian still hung around the band like a groupie and we eventually let him into our inner circle. We called him “Bogart Brian” because once you passed him a joint, you never got it back.]

Anyway… Brian called me last night in an absolute drunken panic about this upcoming disastrous acquisition of NBC Universal. The first words out of his mouth were: “Khan, what the fuck am I doing? This is madness. Why would anyone in their right mind overpay for a failed broadcast network and failed movie studio! Didn’t you read ‘The Curse of the Mogul’?”

I told him he wasn’t in his right mind but added that ‘The Curse of the Mogul’ is complete bullshit and he shouldn’t pay any attention to what the jealous, wannabe mogul hacks who wrote that book had to say.

I continued: “Manka Bros. is the world’s largest media company. There is no disputing that – and there wasn’t one mention of Manka Bros. it that goddamned book! All credibility is lost right there. And these fuckers are going to tell me that being the biggest isn’t a competitive advantage? Put Mike Tyson in a boxing ring with Wally Cox and tell me that size isn’t a competitive advantage!”

There was a pause. I could hear ice clinking through the other end of the phone. I knew Brian was drinking heavily.

I finished my thought: “That said… this Comcast / NBC deal is fucking stupid. You should do what Tiger Woods didn’t do… pull out.”

Brian whimpered like he always does when in a tight corner: “I can’t do that, Khan. There is something… bigger at hand here. I can’t talk. They’re watching my every move. ZUCKER CROWS AT DAWN!… I’m sorry, Khan, I’ve put your life in danger. Pray for me!”

He let out an anguished grunt which was followed by a muffled click… and he was gone.

Zucker Crows At Dawn? Poor Brian. Another successful brainwashing by Jeff Zucker – who continues to amaze me in his ability to fail upward. Somebody should just fire that guy before more people lose their minds.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – To all Comcast shareholders… SELL SELL SELL!

November 11, 2009October 5, 2017

Dinner With Harvey Weinstein

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Last night, I received a somewhat desperate call from Harvey Weinstein. He said he wanted to take me out to dinner and discuss something that could be incredibly beneficial to both our companies.

I could tell this was going to be a disastrous meeting.

Since Harvey offered to pay, he chose a restaurant that he could afford – the Sizzler on Hollywood Blvd. He told me not worry about what it costs, that he was paying for “all I could eat.”

We sat at his normal booth and the waitress, Maria, brought us some Texas Toast. Harvey folded his piece and took a healthy double-bite.

“Let me get right to the point, Khan. I want to take Manka Bros. off your hands.Based on your Theatrical and TV slates, I can see you are struggling. All I would need is for you to spot me a $10 million dollar upfront payment. I’ll take it from there.”

I barely heard what he was saying because the Texas Toast was surprisingly excellent.

“Khan, did you hear what I said? Maria, more fucking toast over here – chop chop!”

“You want me to pay you $10 million to take my company away from me. Ten fucking million for the world’s largest media company – which my father and uncles founded and built from the ground up a 100 years ago? Are you fucking nuts?”

Maria brought another basket of Texas Toast – our hands bumped reaching for it.

“Fuckin’ losers those guys, Khan. No offense. I’ll turn your goddamned dinosaur of a business into a cash cow in… oh, I don’t know… three weeks! I’ll fuckin’ get Tina Brown to run your books division. I’ll fuckin’ get Rob Zombie to do some kind of movie shit, asshole.Think about it.”

Harvey got up to go to the salad bar. “Do you want some cantaloupe?”

I nodded my head and made a call to Lloyd Grohl (Manka Bros. President and COO) to see if there was anything we could or should do for poor Harvey. Lloyd quickly told me to turn him down nicely and get out of the Sizzler as fast as I could – that my life was in danger!

Harvey returned and saw me clicking off the phone. “Who the fuck was that?”

“Nobody, Harvey. Look, I have to turn you down. Manka Bros. isn’t for sale and will never be for sale. Manka Bros. is a giant fucking media conglomerate. The biggest in the world. You don’t buy us – we buy you. And, from what I hear about your current financial situation, I don’t want to buy you.”

“OK, Khan. I understand.”