Good afternoon.
Over the past few days, Michael Eisner’s lawyers have attempted to put a muzzle on me.
Apparently, M.E. didn’t like the idea of me blogging about our Duck Hunting trip last week and wanted to try and stop me from putting up a part two. Some of the top lawyers in Hollywood have been fighting and I’m completely fed up with it. I’m just going blog and don’t give a shit what the repercussions may be.
As I was saying last week, Michael Eisner picked me up in his military-style helicopter and took me duck hunting. I had never been duck hunting before and I don’t scare easily, but when I climbed into that Duck Blind with M.E. and saw the crazed look in his eyes, I was afraid.
As he started to load his 12-gauge shotgun with shells, he looked up:
M.E.: It gets a lot darker at night for me than anyone else in the world. I’m going to leave my head to science so they can try to figure out what the hell was going on inside my brain.
We sat in silence for about five minutes. Someone had already loaded a gun for me and I had it across my lap, not quite sure what to do with it. M.E. fluttered his eyes a bit as he blew softly into an ominous sounding duck call that echoed over the lake.
KM: So… what do we do? Sit here and wait for the ducks and then try to shoot them?
M.E.: Waiting for the ducks. Ha, that’s the problem with Manka Bros. You’re always waiting for the ducks.
KM: What the fuck does that mean? I run the biggest media company in the world and you’re telling me what’s wrong with my company? What do you got? Baseball cards?
Suddenly, M.E. leaped to his feet, swinging the gun up.
M.E.: QUACK RIGHT SHOOT!
He blasted two quick SHOTS. There were two quick duck HONKS. And then two quick SPLASHES.
M.E: Katzenberg! Ducks!
His dog, Katzenberg, leaped out of the blind and swam toward the killed ducks. Katzenberg gathered them in his mouth and swam back to the blind.
M.E.: Good dog. Pretty slow on the trigger there, Khan.
KM: You don’t mind if I just sit here, do you? I really don’t want to shoot at ducks. My life is interesting enough.
M.E.’s eyes darted back and forth, not sure whether to shoot me or let it go. We momentarily returned to small talk, asking about each other’s families and our health, etc. M.E. shot eight more ducks. Katzenberg fished them out of the pond. Finally, M.E. got around to the point he wanted to make.
M.E.: The future of television is fucked.
KM: In its current form, yes, I would say it is challenged.
M.E.: In any form. It’s over. Spending additional dollars on a declining asset is what dumb asses do.
KM: There’s still an audience. You gotta put something on the air. Severed Fingers is profitable just from International sales. Why quit a business that’s profitable?
M.E.: Why don’t you sell typewriters or bulk up on VHS cassettes or dial-up modems? Plenty of people still need those things and you’ll make a profit since it means so fucking much to you. Whoop-tee-fuckin-do!
His eyes were starting to roll back into his head. I knew I had to get out of there. I had no idea where I was but I did have my Blackberry and was able to send a PING to my assistant, Vicky. Once she receives my distress call I am normally picked up within the hour no matter where I am in the world.
KM: Then, tell me Michael, where do you think media is headed? Online? Cell phones? You know, Manka Bros. is spending $1 billion on short-form internet-only content.
M.E.: I will shoot you dead if you mention the “I” word again. The Internet is over. My online series “Prom Queen” hit at the peak of that fad. No no… the future is right here.
KM: What do you mean? A couple of guys talking by a pond with a loaded gun in their hands?
M.E.: That’s part of it. Human interaction is the future. It’s real. Something you can’t slap a banner ad next to and call it “paid content”. It’s just you, me and the meat that we kill and eat. I’m going “into the wild”.
He seemed sincere. He looked tired. Frankly, he looked done.
M.E.: You may go, Khan. If you tell anyone about this conversation, I will hunt you down and slaughter you like a mountain goat.
Michael Eisner’s chopper took me away and I was back in Los Angeles in time to watch the suck-ass Dodgers lose. Mariska Hargitay was the only guest allowed in the Manka Bros. Suite at Dodgers Stadium.
Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company
P.S. – Do not fret, Manka Bros. will still be producing high-quality television content long after Michael Eisner freezes to death in a bus outside of Fairbanks, Alaska.
The “world’s largest” status is obviously not a result of our employees’ performance at their jobs – because you don’t become number one by sucking. No… it is only a result of my superb leadership during this extremely difficult time. And I’m tired of carrying you people. It’s time to step it up!
