Once upon a time, in the tiny hamlet of Menlo Park, California, there was a company called Facebook.
This company was unlike any other (sorry, make that ‘like MANY others’) in that it connected people from around world through a magical and glorious technical achievement called the Internet.
Everyone loved Facebook:
“Oh my God, it is so easy to upload pictures of my baby!”
“I can’t believe I found all my old high school and college friends so easily!”
“Hey everyone, I’m off to get a coffee – can’t start my day without coffee!”
People from around the world chatted, and shared, and reconnected. There was something really exciting going on in the tiny hamlet of Menlo Park.
But then, one day, because Facebook was growing so so so very large – and its bills were growing so so so much – it needed to somehow make money.
Facebook was so kind that they didn’t want to charge people for the privilege of using its service – so it added advertising. Advertising so tiny that the people of the world didn’t even noticed the ads were there.
“There are ads on Facebook? You know, I’ve never seen one – and I certainly have never clicked on one! Good for them.”
Perhaps Mean Old Mr. Advertiser started to realize that no one was clicking or even noticing his ads.
But little Facebook still needed to get paid – I mean, even a whore has to eat – so they decided to work something out with Mean Old Mr. Advertiser.
Maybe they could somehow leverage their size and sell the personal information of their 900 million users. Would that keep Mean Old Mr. Advertiser off their backs so they could resume their happy life of connecting the world and bringing nothing but joy?
Facebook was so kind to its users that they even added a “Like” button (because “Like” is much nicer than “Dislike” and Coca-Cola doesn’t want to see how many people “Dislike” Coke Zero).
It was so simple, users could either “Like” something or choose not to hit the “Like” button. It was up to the user.
That worked for awhile until the users of the world started to realize what was happening. Many users got angry and felt their privacy was being invaded.
About 15 people actually quit Facebook (while another 100 million signed up).
After a few months, things calmed in the tiny hamlet of Menlo Park and the people on Facebook – to a lesser degree – felt fairly happy again.
But then, one day, Facebook decided that the users of the world needed to share every bit of information about their lives – from birth to even death – and put it all into a very conforming and dizzying glop of data called Timeline.
Mean Old Mr. Advertiser LOVED the idea of Timeline.
Finally, Facebook was thinking like him. Now they got the idea. Mean Old Mr. Advertiser could scour the lives of the people of the world and target them with goods and services that they may or may not enjoy.
And somehow, in just a brief eight years of existence – little Facebook grew and grew and grew and became worth $100 BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS! Oh, goodness, pardon me. (An IPO last year would been insane! What a missed opportunity!… but I digress.)
Well, from here the story gets a little tragic.
The beaten down people of the world and users of Facebook grew so exhausted from the daily overhauls of the site (which were necessary to maximize revenue) that they actually stopped spending time on Facebook – instead reading real books to their children and enjoying the outside world.
Comments started to appear on other websites (yes, there are actually other websites) saying they hate Facebook, are never going back and are quitting.
Poor little Facebook. They just wanted to HELP the world – not FUCK OVER the world.
How could a crappy redesign and a selling of their soul piss people off so much?
It’s just a website after all (one that is on its way to becoming WORTHLESS and must be STOPPED for the good of the world!… one more digression).
I mean, why do the people of the world care so much?
Well, we all know how the story ends.
Disgruntled engineers (and let’s assume an MBA or two) who helped create the chaos from the direction of Uncle Mark and Aunt Sheryl, began grumbling about their need to become millionaires and billionaires like so many of their friends.
The only way to stop them from leaving the tiny hamlet of Menlo Park – and going to, oh, say, the dangerous crack alleys of Mountain View and Cupertino to seek their fortune – was to take the company public.
By selling $5 or $10 billion dollars in stock to the ‘public’ (at a BULLSHIT valuation of $100 billion!) everyone could become rich and (yes) happy.
So at least the employees of Facebook will now be happy. The people of the world, who are seriously beginning to hate Facebook and are either leaving or staying away in droves, are less and less happy every day.
But Mean Old Mr. Facebook couldn’t care less – the users can go fuck themselves.
“Just put your freakin’ family photos in the template we have provided, “Like” the new Coke Zero, play the stupid Zynga games, pay for a movie rental, pay for a music subscription, and keep your stupid mouth shut. We’re not getting to a trillion dollar valuation from pictures of your goddamned baby!”
Mean Old Mr. Facebook is right. The User is wrong.
The moral of the story: Don’t screw your users. They’re the ones that built you up and they’re the ones that will bring you down.
Jill Kennedy – OnMedea
Sorry Jill, I will make about 50-100% on my investment, at a minimum. Facebook is a thunderously good prospect.
Jealousy is unbecoming. How exactly do you make money anyway? I hope you are scraping by on this fraud of a website. Looks like an Ollie’s Outlet…
What is your investment? Are you an early investor who is cashing out? If so, why would you cash out of such a great company with a bright future. Those who cashed out immediately in LinkedIn would have been sitting on a lot more money today. Greed and idiocy is also unbecoming.
@ loki – considering MS and other investment banks had to step in and support the stock price so it didn’t fall below the IPO price, you might have spoken too soon and blindly. It might be time to lay off the hopium. it’s a bit unbecoming. I will be watching to see how this fb story pans out, but the fact of the matter is its growth rate (revenue and user base) has slowed down considerably. Logically, how much more can they grow their user base?
Hey, Loki. How much money was it you made? Come on.Tell us all. I just can’t wait to hear!!! LMAO
Yeah, Loki. I’m curious too about how much money you made. 2x? 3x? Damn, you must be rolling in gold. I’m jealous.
Loki,
There are only two ways you make 50-100% on your investment.
1) Getting in on the IPO and PRAYING for the IPO pop to sell into…(violating IPO policy of holding for 30 days etc)
2) Waiting for the stock to spike then going short / buying puts….
FB was never designed to “make money” (only for the owners). It was setup as a free service. This is going to be one of the most overbought/overvalued companies in history. Mark knows it, analysts don’t, the street doesn’t. It serves no economical purpose and will fade as soon as they begin “monetizing” it obstructively (They are already starting to). I am already sick of all the alerts and ads for time wasting games made by ZNGA. $100 billion ? More like $5-$10 billion tops….
FYI The timeline feature sucks – I don’t see why I should be forced to use it. I don’t like the layout at all…
Is it ironic that I found your blog post on Facebook and that’s why I’m here?
You are spot-on Jill. Sucker born every minute and they all had a reunion last Friday.
I’m one of the thousands (if not millions) whose electronic order for FB shares has been jumbled by Nasdaq since Friday. Myself as well as many others submitted an order cancellation after being left hanging for hours with no confirmation of purchased shares.Then the cancelled orders got jumbled by Nasdaq. Here we are 4 days later and I still have no confirmation. I have $0 in my trading account and 0 shares of FB while the SEC is investigating. I referred to my assets as “being frozen” since I can’t access a dime of the money I invested or a single share and they’re dancing around the issue with comments like, “Your assets aren’t frozen they’re just simply not available at the moment.”
Word on the street is the Nasdaq is going to start from square one by ignoring all cancelled orders and attempt to fulfill the initial orders. Meanwhile I’m sitting here watching the shares I may or may not own plummet while I may or may not be losing hundreds of dollars. I was playing it cool thus far but now I’m starting to get really upset as I realize what a disaster this is. For more info:
http://in.news.yahoo.com/facebook-ipo-trading-glitch-may-cost-nasdaq-over-070716593–finance.html
is this the younger version of bernie maaddoff. either VERNIE MADDOfff crying and saying how proud is of sucjkerface. or laughing his ass that still there is a sucker born every minute. ain’t this the greatest PONZI Scheme ever and the government can’t touch him. EVEN BONO is laughing his ass that he is that rich and doesn’t need to go to those poverty stinking places anymore. is SUCKER FACE buying some kind of ISLAND somewhere around the world or a COUNTRY TOO.
Whatever Facebook is worth, they have succeeded at creating a spectacular buzz. I really believe that is a very difficult thing to quantify. Right now Facebook is about potential. There really is an opportunity to do something unique and historical. Does Mark Zuckerberg have a great vision, or did he just steal the right idea? My view is that Mark Zuckerberg is not equipped to become a truly historical figure who changes society. To put that into perspective, I also believe that Steve Jobs will be a footnote in about 20 years time. They will go down as the biggest hucksters of the “Early Tech Revolution”.
Hmm. If I were Mark Zuckermann, I’d cash in and retire. Why would you need anymore money or risk having less?
Superbly written. Also, I don’t get that monk-like hairstyle of his. I suspect toupee.
Nice article Jill !
The good news for the unassuming million of investors is that you have just been punked. You just made a few people very rich because of your greed and hope. In the end, it is a transfer of money from the mass to the few. Mark feels sorry for your loss of money, and will be glad for you to put some more money so that friends on Facebook will be able to console you. BTW, that sounds like NIGERIAN SCAM 419.
Oooo. Why is it that some men feel the need to patronize a beautiful and intelligent woman who writes an article with a lot of merit?
Oops…ended up in the wrong place…oh well….modern technology can be a pain.
Anyone who survived the dot-bomb should have seen this coming, especially when this IPO hype is turned up to 11. What’s amusing about this IPO is they timed it a little too late–the insiders couldn’t even see when user interest had peaked–poetic irony.
It’s nice to read the truth for a change. Keep it up, Cutie. 😉
haha, nicely written. If I were Zuckerberg (and somehow I wish I were), I’d leave the company now, use my shitload of money at young age to have a good live and protect the environment and do good for society, while keeping enough to be happy.
I hope no-one is putting Zuckerberg as a demon now, after all, he didn’t do anything exactly evil. He made a very simple webpage, which was greatly marketed and hit a wave, and then sold it greatly overpriced hurting those investors which try to make cash without producing anything for society. So the ones who got screwed are not the ones who get my pity. Compared to an oil company or arms-producer, facebook is harmless. Just another hype. No-one was ever forced to jump on it. As for leaving facebook, I totally agree that it’s degenerated to a contacts list.
Interesting take. I actually think this will all blow over and in a year FB will be trading over $100. I think what they’ll do with all this new found money is diversify. Mobile perhaps. Only time will tell.
You really need to stay out of the stock market. You are an idiot.