… jetlagged in hamsterdam, esconced in hotel grand krapsnapolsky, donal and da boys unconscious on da floor, selena gomez in bed necks to me, met her at da gammy awards lass nigh, hitched a ride wit me…
she’s quite a feek, tooks me sad away for a while, but dis me birthday n valentines ta boot, n as you know, a torment river runs deep within me…
… awards recap: sat behine nikki menage, couldn’t see da stage tru her coif designed by dr. fookinstein… me category was announced beforehan n i dint win, soze we broke out da bushmills…
sat necksta some bloke name b.o.b., donal kep callin him b.o.o.b den gigglin like a wexford schoolgirl, he were pissed… babbles streisand come up ta me backstage, asked if she could record a version of “arin o’harry lost an arm today” for her upcomin “the dismemberment album”, she wansta change all da lyrics round, 1st verse last, last verse first, add a hole new bridge, i tole her fook off ya gowl…
… dat willow smith brat kep whippiner locks all roun while her brudder was kung fu kickin at it, too bad dem kids is orphans… bruno mars shook me han, said me 2002 song “she died diggin da bog”, was a massive influence on him, den started cryin like a killybegs widow, i held him close n we wept together until lady gaga come by and gashed me arm wit her protrudin shoulder bone…
… later cornered dat lead singer hayley from paramore, flashed me right nipple, her knees got weak n we snogged for five minits inside o gaga’s discarded egg, rollin roun in da leftover amniotic fluid, rubbin it on each udder til we got all manky…
gaga leff her cell phone in dere soze we crank called her pharmacist and ordered more estrogen… we foun lotsa grains n mushrooms n half-eaten insects n lizards, which proves my theory dat she part chipmunk…
… red-eye to da nether regions, good gomez shag not enough to takes away da pain of dis day, da memories of da lass i lost nigh on whoreteen years now… somehow gotsa muster up da strength to rehearse “kalliopi” wit d’400 piece royal concertgebouw orchestra and its 375 hot asian violinists… hopin one of dem is proficient in nuru massage…
… update on da show later in da week… til den, “dats da craic, she said wit one leg up on da dash n nothin on but da radio…”
Seamus
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