April 2012 – Behind the Proscenium

April 27, 2012

The Five-Year Engagement [REVIEW]

The Five-Year Engagement

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

First, cliché joke (I will not be the single sayer of this) – “The Five-Year Engagement” is also what seems to be the running time of the film.

It goes on.

And on.

And then on some more.

The butt hurts.

The movie doesn’t care.

The movie laughs at my discomfort.

But I don’t laugh at the movie.

Which is a comedy. Or an Apatow-medy.

So there are jokes on the dick.

The word “fuck” is used more than in “Glengarry Glen Ross.”

That is a lot of fucks.

But when people get to the fucking, all the women-types leave their tops on. Not a boob to make me smile.

America is weird.

Plot? Sure!

The film tells the story of the couple Violet Barnes (Emily Blunt – like the blunt that was for the smoking before the film) and Tom Solomon (Jason Segel – he gets naked and is covered in moles – creepy), whose relationship becomes strained when they realize they have much longer engagement (like 5 years, duh).

For lack of time, the two delay marriage for next year and, moreover, Violet enrolls at the University of Michigan for the studying.

Then is promoted at work by her boss (asshole, with sick karate skillz), and this entails the need to move to another city.

I think.

Or the same one, but for more bad times.

When formalizing the relationship seems to move a background in the lives of two lovers, paradoxically, parents are beginning to put pressure on them to hasten the wedding.

In addition, some older relatives die and not get to see even more young people to the altar.

And die, and die, and die.

These deaths were funny.

More deaths would have been better.

Troubled situation, Violet and Tom must decide quickly what they want from life and to manage better time because, otherwise, things seem to spiral out of control.

No more spoilers.

Funny things happen. Stifler from “American Reunion” is cloned into another person named Alex (Chris Pratt) for this.

Cinema wants more of the Stiflers. An entire mouth-word exchange is done as Cookie Monster and Elmo.

Emily Blunt is too much damn cuteness. Things happen that are too easy.

And a taco truck. If only there was a taco truck outside of the screening place.

Man, munchies can give one the drool face…

So, two thumbs taking a nap on the sideways.

All movie inhabitants were the likable people, but the thing made two hours many more hours of feeling. In my butt. Until my butt went to sweet, sweet sleep. Only to wake up at the credits – angry and painful.

Wait for DVD when it is Netflixing time. The unrated cut will last four and a half hours – but seem like six.. Sweet Jesus!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “The Voice” is fun! Blake Shelton is drunk! Christina lost weight! Cee Lo is borderline homosexual! Adam Levine is a douch-nozzle! No more “American Idol” for me!

April 20, 2012

The Lucky One [REVIEW]

The Lucky One

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I am lucky.

I am cursed.

My job is to have the most wonderful at a time thing to do than anything.

Pay me? Don’t have to (just kidding, Kyrle – I love money!)!

Lucky.

Then I am assigned for the watching of “The Lucky One.”

What?

Really?

The vomiting I promised last week was happening. In the now!

What an insult!

Cursed.

You may in your thoughts think me a little person. Or another, that I am smart.

I am the average. My only study was for the film.

And so I write on the film. My job.

But I am sick at heart.

Does anybody care?!?

Hollywood has not smart thinking. Hit movies are made from luck. Crap movies can be good (to me, or you).

But “The Lucky One?” Are you high?

Who will see this shit-fest?

I am really high.

So instead of talking about “The Lucky One” I want to talk over the 4/20 day!

That’s right!

I really am high. And I’m so ready for the happening 20^th!

In my new Finland (California), the dispensaries are having sales!

I can got from place to place and get the weed that made Californiaa cool place. Like bar hopping, but if the taps leaked only sticky bud.

Heaven.

So all, tomorrow is for the bonging. Do not forget that.

So, “The Lucky One” I return – like a dog to his own vomit.

Plot? I guess.

A Marine travels to North Carolina after serving three tours in Iraq and searches for the unknown woman he believes was his good luck charm during the war.

Thanks, IMDB!

Kyrle, this may be the end on me.

There was a Disney movie that was for Chimpanzees!

And I have to see this crappening?!? Damn.

But know the this 4/20 Day will be my best first while in the SoCal!

And maybe the week next? I’ll see a film that give me a happy smile and want my death to wait.

“The Lucky One” fans? Kiss my brown eye.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

April 13, 2012

The Cabin In The Woods [REVIEW]

The Cabin In The Woods

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Previews.”

“Trailers” (as in the industry the name is whispered).

“Coming Attractions” to the elderly who are always cold and cry at the loudness of noise (and smell like liver sausage, if lucky).

No matter the calling of the things, they are evil.

Ruining movies is the job of them.

Show every damn good thing to see in 2 minutes 30 seconds.

Just like “The Cabin In The Woods”, right?

No!

The opposite of right!

A horror movie that was totally whack (get it?)! People over 30 – that means it was good, in Finland.

Plot?

Who cares!

In the woods go the nubile teenagers.

Creepy local dude.

Pot (not mine – kossu shots only this night, right Kyrle?). Oh, with guys at Mission Control…MISSION CONTROL?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?

Then nudity.

Crazy crap happens.

Death of people.

Boobs.

Funny jokes.

More pot.

Cellar that should below Rob Zombie’s house live.

And real zombies. This is the shit. Truly.

How can I blather without spoilers? Cannot happen.

So this. This acting rules the world of acting.

Any film of horror with Richard Jenkins (he was awesome in “Let Vampires In Your House”) must be eye balled.

Teamed him with Bradley Whitford? Best horror ever.

The boobs of Anna Hutchison? If there was Boob Acting award she just won two (or does the pair count as one? My mind reels.). Especially with her tonguing of the ex-wolf.

Lucky ex-wolf.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) should be allowed to live (until stinking pile “The Avengers” is released – then the fatwa is back in force).

Then arrives the Kimmo alter-ego, played by Fran Kranz. He smokes the pot almost with as much puffing as me. Clouds were created. Warping of minds – and a bong that made me smile.

My respect is his. And my jealousy.

Finally, there is the hot, hot, hot Kristen Connolly (if by hot in English means “looks weird but I still got a boner”). She would be worthy of a date by a warrior-blood filled man… me.

I would ask, “Do you have any Finn in you?” “No” she says. Then I would say, “Would you like some?”

I laugh at my joke! Works every time (except for the times of failure).

Side note: Japanese couple who must buy entire snack bar to watch a movie – divide the fucking food up before you enter the theater. Then your gaping mouth holes don’t have to flap and flap and flap, pissing off all the people in the ten foot hearing area of your grating voices. If the Norse Gods would have had a say you would now be below Midgard and being in Hel tortured. Kind of like the movie you could not stay silent in and watch (jerk-offs!). I hate you (not all Japanese, just in theater talking Japanese assholes).

I feel better.

So… two thumbs sticking up as hard as my little Kimmo seeing the young doomed boobs.

M. Night Shamalyanyaynan (whatever) needs to see “The Cabin In The Woods” to know how to blow minds. The trailer tried to screw my fun place but there was more to be seen.

Ha, Hollywood! You have been defeated!

Until I have to sit though “The Lucky One” – my vomiting will be your victory.

Damn.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. I am in great love with “Game of Thrones.” Manly love. Question – if you could be as smart as The Imp and drink wine like a wine drinking fish and get to sex up large boob-ed prostitute women (without the falling off of your dick), would you still be okay with life as a dwarf? Kimmo would! Please answer in comments below!

April 6, 2012April 6, 2012

American Reunion [REVIEW]

American Reunion

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Kimmo was in trouble.

Big trouble.

Last week I had super cool “Wrath of the Titans” review that I made.

Then the dumbness strikes.

I e-mail copy of review to my Uncle Tukka who is in living outside of the Helsinki – not to Kyrle, who is the editor that manages these things.

I have screwed Straight Up (like Paula Abdul!). Kyrle has made a rule that is new: Kossu shots OR bong loads, not Kossu shots AND bong loads.

This is fair, in my heart and in my head thoughts. I know that booze is good. So is the sweet, sweet smoke.

Together? I begin to be a Greeter Man at WalMart.

Sorry to my 15 loyal readers. I feel shame.

Now – for a movie!

And what a goddamn good time for a movie to have! I was very worrisome.

Every time Hollywood touches my past it is “the wrong touch.”

But “American Reunion?” I am sporting a Stifler!

Really. I am not kidding.

Plot? Sure!

All of our “American Pie” friends come back – 13 year reunions are important in America.

So, like locusts on Egypt they return. Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) are married with kid attached. Oz (Chris Klein) works at crap ESPN channel. Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) is worldly in many ways. Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is whipped by Gossip Girls. Stifler (Seann William Scott) is… you will see as moments come by.

All are older, some are bigger in the wise area, some are better now as people than as high school students.

We see a penis.

Craps are taken in places where craps have never been before (so I hope).

Chicks that were once to be sat on as babies are now so hot for drooling.

Lies are lied.

Love is kindled (from the past) then rekindled – like fire!

Life is tested… some pass, others think they are taking another test (true story – remember old joke about Norwegian who stayed up all night studying for his urine test? NEVER GETS OLD!!!).

Many happy faces from the past float on the screen. We (I) smile.

I missed my “American Franchise” friends.

But sometimes, expectations are face rubbed in gravel.

The surprise that surprised me was too surprising. This is a movie about a Stifler.

I will now, out of my mouth (computer mouth) say – “Seann William Scott is the most funny comic actor of the last 20 years.” His eyeballs tell stories.

He makes sounds that my heart go a kind of “chugga-chugga”, in that straight “chugga-chugga” way. He is the man (boy) that my aspirations were looking at when I was the young.

Now he is complete. I feel, now, to be complete, too.

Jim’s father (Eugene Levy) deserves some kind of outing. He, now widowed, is still the father we wanted (without the Pie fucking advice – that was a metaphor anyhow – Jim was kind of a dumbness).

Stifler’s Mom (Jennifer Coolidge) has many more lines (on face and on script).

She must still be done. And done again.

Vicky (Tara Reid) is now a zombie – but hotter than any zombie on “The Walking Dead”. It was good to see her. But not for too long.

And Heather (Mena Suvari) has learned to cover her forehead (or 8-head, if we’re going by the thing’s size) with bangs. She is now to be whacked to – in a pinch.

So, two thumbs straining to heaven – which is warm pie!

I am in love with “American Reunion.” Laughs were barked out of my mouth and Dr. Pepper flew through my nose and on the critic to my front place (sorry, Peter Travers).

But never in the life that I live would I thought that I would be in Stifler love.

And I am. Like an American!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is the suck. I will now only watch “The Voice”. Or anything. Please comment on things that I may watch without Kosso AND bong loads. In advance – thank you!!!