American Reunion

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Kimmo was in trouble.

Big trouble.

Last week I had super cool “Wrath of the Titans” review that I made.

Then the dumbness strikes.

I e-mail copy of review to my Uncle Tukka who is in living outside of the Helsinki – not to Kyrle, who is the editor that manages these things.

I have screwed Straight Up (like Paula Abdul!).  Kyrle has made a rule that is new:  Kossu shots OR bong loads, not Kossu shots AND bong loads.

This is fair, in my heart and in my head thoughts.  I know that booze is good.  So is the sweet, sweet smoke.

Together?  I begin to be a Greeter Man at WalMart.

Sorry to my 15 loyal readers.  I feel shame.

Now – for a movie!

And what a goddamn good time for a movie to have!  I was very worrisome.

Every time Hollywood touches my past it is “the wrong touch.”

But “American Reunion?”  I am sporting a Stifler!

Really.  I am not kidding.

Plot?  Sure!

All of our “American Pie” friends come back – 13 year reunions are important in America.

So, like locusts on Egypt they return.  Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) are married with kid attached.  Oz (Chris Klein) works at crap ESPN channel.  Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) is worldly in many ways.  Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) is whipped by Gossip Girls.  Stifler (Seann William Scott) is… you will see as moments come by.

All are older, some are bigger in the wise area, some are better now as people than as high school students.

We see a penis.

Craps are taken in places where craps have never been before (so I hope).

Chicks that were once to be sat on as babies are now so hot for drooling.

Lies are lied.

Love is kindled (from the past) then rekindled – like fire!

Life is tested… some pass, others think they are taking another test (true story – remember old joke about Norwegian who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?  NEVER GETS OLD!!!).

Many happy faces from the past float on the screen.  We (I) smile.

I missed my “American Franchise” friends.

But sometimes, expectations are face rubbed in gravel.

The surprise that surprised me was too surprising.  This is a movie about a Stifler.

I will now, out of my mouth (computer mouth) say – “Seann William Scott is the most funny comic actor of the last 20 years.”  His eyeballs tell stories.

He makes sounds that my heart go a kind of “chugga-chugga”, in that straight “chugga-chugga” way. He is the man (boy) that my aspirations were looking at when I was the young.

Now he is complete.  I feel, now, to be complete, too.

Jim’s father (Eugene Levy) deserves some kind of outing.  He, now widowed, is still the father we wanted (without the Pie fucking advice – that was a metaphor anyhow – Jim was kind of a dumbness).

Stifler’s Mom (Jennifer Coolidge) has many more lines (on face and on script).

She must still be done.  And done again.

Vicky (Tara Reid) is now a zombie – but hotter than any zombie on “The Walking Dead”.  It was good to see her.  But not for too long.

And Heather (Mena Suvari) has learned to cover her forehead (or 8-head, if we’re going by the thing’s size) with bangs.  She is now to be whacked to – in a pinch.

So, two thumbs straining to heaven – which is warm pie!

I am in love with “American Reunion.”  Laughs were barked out of my mouth and Dr. Pepper flew through my nose and on the critic to my front place (sorry, Peter Travers).

But never in the life that I live would I thought that I would be in Stifler love.

And I am.  Like an American!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  “American Idol” is the suck.  I will now only watch “The Voice”.  Or anything.  Please comment on things that I may watch without Kosso AND bong loads.  In advance – thank you!!!