Andrew Stanton – Behind the Proscenium

Brave

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Readers – I live.

My man liver is alive.

Kossu can be again for the drunkening.

Kimmo cannot be tamed.

Like the beast of the wood – drinking, smoking, eating, drinking, watching movies, drinking, smoking, writing reviews, and then some drinking and smoking – I am back.

And in front.

The fear is out of me.

No longer can the movies of summer make me puke.

I am a man.

And this man is in heart love with “Brave”.

Sucker for red-heads? Guilty.

Sucker for the Pixar? Even more!

Can they be better now than in the past? Hells yes.

And they have shitty, Kimmo-like accents. Only more the better than mine.

Plot? Are you kidding the Kimmo?

Amidst the wilds of the 10th Scottish Century the growing small and skilled archer Merida (Kelly Macdonald) to, daughter of King Fergus (Billy Connolly) and Queen Elinor (Emma Thompson).

While the rebellious girl was marked with the red hair, frolicking in the first place by their father – who lost the fight with a bear leg (a bear leg! Hollywood, hear this!) – is planning her mother Elinor, with her very different things.

To Merida finally tame it is one of the sons of the leading clan lords are married and so asks the Lord MacGuffin (Kevin McKidd), Lord Dingwall (Robbie Coltrane) and Lord Macintosh (Craig Ferguson) and her sons into the castle in order to offer them at an archery competition the winner was the hand of her daughter.

Of course, Merida very different things in my head and said this team wins competition not only themselves, but evokes an old witch with a sinister curse…

What the fuck?!? Wow.

Genius.

No more spoilers.

This movie is a bomb. (Editors note: In Kimmo’s world, this means great).

My man-crush on the computer generated Merida makes me not of this world wanting to be.

Send me to Pixar land.

Let me frolic with the hot red-head pixels.

She is now my life.

Maybe with enough of the sweet, sweet smoke I can someday be there.

For now, Kossu.

For now, I want.

And now, two thumbs striding skyward.

There is not enough in my heart love for this.

It is the greatness.

See it twice. Then take your kids.

Then buy the Blu-ray when available for red-head self-love.

Tell no one I said that. Just between you (my readers) and my bong (my best friend).

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. The Glee Project is back! That blind kid has all asshole about him. Dick. Same with boob-bouncing fat chick. Ho. All are unlikeable. Ryan Murphy, I think, may be a gay guy. I can’t take my eyes off of the thing. Smoke, cheetos, Glee Project = Heaven. Watch it, and then comment.

John Carter

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week starts with a happiness explosion from my head mind (but not in the pants, dirty people).

“Kimmo, you are the man with a bag of lucky!” say I, Kimmo, to the self inside.

You see, I am to review my first love.

Not a human person. But a reading experience of youth.

Yes, the books series that made many endless Finnish nights come to an end.

An end that of happiness. That in Finland we call “morning.”

From “A Princess of Mars” through the crappy yet wonderful “John Carter of Mars: Skeleton Men of Jupiter” all asses were kicked.

Green and caucasian. Those from Helium to far off Ptarth

Then my first meat whacking to thoughts of Dejah Thoris (so hot in my mind! Best whack ever!).

How could Mr. Hollywood put the screw in the butt of “John Carter?”

Apparently with the ease of an experienced person who screws the butt of most great books for reading.

Disappointment is a pain that crawls in my stomach like a worm.

Or, here, like green four-armed Tars Tarkas (read the damn books!).

Crappy 3-D? Check!

CGI that is less than real than fake! Check!

$250 million spent on the crapping? Check!

Plot? Too much.

John Carter to Barsoom is somehow to there from here (Barsoom is Mars to Martians and others that have been to visit… Mars).

John falls in with Tharns who are green, four-armed, and totally whack.

I didn’t know that the William Dafoe had four arms – he is a good actor.

Carter (the hero) is played as a piece of white bread (Taylor Kitsch) with muscles.

And the whack queen of my first teens, Dejah Thoris, is the un-whack worth Lynn Collins.

Hollywood, you had almost 100 years to make a piece that is of a master and this is the warm pile that comes out?

What happened Mr. Director (Andrew Stanton)? With “Wall-E” I cried at mechanical homeless person who was lost among obese Americans lost in space.

Now even green, multi-limbed, bad-ass Tharns are like mouth pudding flavor free.

The loss of the hours wasn’t so much a hurt – watching my childhood friends of imagining being ass-raped (see “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) was a pain that I will remember as long as I can – you see, even with the smoking of many loads of the wonderful Super O.G. Kush I could not find the liking… only the hating.

And the stomach-crawling disappoint.

So I have no more to say.

One thumb droops in mourning – the death of my childhood fantasies and hopes are now the truth of the screen.

The other thumb is to be right in the Mr. Disney butt – so now Mr. Disney, you know how “John Carter” feels.

I am sad.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” – cannot next year (if there is one to be) have just one woman (who doesn’t make the eyes pain) over the age of 18? The “Season of Fugly” will no longer be watched. I watch “The Voice” now, waiting for Christina Aguilara’s imminent boob explosion. I quiver with the waiting.

Tag: Andrew Stanton

Brave [REVIEW]

John Carter [REVIEW]