Bettina Browne – Behind the Proscenium

Project X

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Thanks to Odin. Much thanks.

Why?

Tuesday, with the fact that Tuesday must happen, happens.

Tuesday?

Reviewing assignments for Friday.

My mind is sweating mind thoughts: “Please Odin, if I am to review that damn “Lorax” movie, drop me first with a face stretching stroke. Explode my eyeballs. Make me never to see the whoring out of a great man by his money grubbing widow (because I already am still in the stink of “Cat In The Hat”. Mike Meyers, you make Canada sad with this.).

Then the God of Cargo came through – assignment “Project X.”

The “YES” I screamed was like that of Ron Jeremy in the day of hay.

“Project X.”

Teenagers in heat.

Crazy crap of the happening.

The party is bigger than big – or than the big it should have been (“Risky Business”, but funny).

First, I, Kimmo place a major hit in the bong. I say you, the viewer, must do the same.

Then another.

Then one more.

“Project X” is now the adolescent party gone out of bounds “Citizen Kane.” Without stupid sleds. Or story.

Movies with plot are over the rated. Serious.

Plot? Really?

You are to the reading of a critic think write of “Project X” and you are really thinking the plot is a thing of mattering? Plot is replaced by:

1) Boobs

2) Butt

3) Tight female bellies (which must be under the age – High School, right? HOT!!!)

4) Booze

5) Midgets

6) Boobs

7) Drugs (not just me)

8) Car in pool

9) Fat kids to fun out on

10) Boobs

11) Hand held camera!

Is this “Cloverfield”? Better.

“The Blair Witch Project” (more boobs than the witch here)? Better.

“Paranormal Activity 1-15”? Better.

The “why” is answered by boobs. And crazy teen hi-jinks. Virgins deflowered. Window broken. Then another broken. And hymens (see the deflowering before, but also with the broken part. YES!).

Do you feel that I am in love with this film? I am.

It pretends to be nothing more than it is. Party out of bounds (thanks, B-52’s). I laughed. I coughed (after another pull on the dugout I recently purchased off of internet sales).

Conclusion: If when the seeing of the trailer for this film makes you say “Hells yeah, if I miss this, my life is lesser than that it was” you will love it.

If when you see the trailer you feel the stick crawl up your butt telling you that “fun is only for the young?” Stay home and watch “Matlock.”

This is no “Shark Night 3-D.”

And, thanks to Odin, this isn’t the crap licking “Lorax.” I can thank more than one God for that.

So, one thumb asleep. The other thumb erect, because that thumb likes on the boobs. Who doesn’t?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Glee?” WTF?!? Ryan Murphy, although before I never let the suspect for my boner on Dianna Agron, you have gone too much far. Our feud is to for the public. I call you out. Why is my mind your mess? There will be blood.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Sweden.

Bastards.

While us, the Finns, fought Soviet Russia the Swedes ate butter, fish, and those damn crap meatballs.

In same war (World War II, retards) we fight and fight.

Sweden?

Neutral (sissy Nazi lovers – take that, Swedes!).

Finns are awesomeness.

Swedes?

They had not one ball between them.

Then I see those Swede bastards again.

Swedish Bikini Team (hot). SAAB (cool). Malin Akerman (schwing!). Swedes aren’t so bad as people as my mind said.

They also gave us “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” And it was greater than good.

For a film

Then, excited tail wagging puppy-like excitement sprouts from David Fincher. “Give me this movie!” he may have said out loud. And since excitement of so throbbing Swedish version is from Stone Age 2009 – of course Hollywood said “fuck yeah! 2009 is so 2009!”

Now we have “The Same Girl With A Dragon Tattoo Who Now Speaks English.” With accent that has previously been unheard by humans.

Plot? Sure!

Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is a business investigative journalist who is determined to restore his honor.

Once he has been convicted of libel, joins the rich industrial Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) in order to use his services as a journalist and a detective in the claim.

Henrik’s niece Harriet was murdered in 1966 as a 16 year old girl, what could have been but never proven (since Sherlock Holmes services are being used in shit cinema elsewhere).

Since then, the only message is that Henrik’s once a year receives a dried flower of the alleged murderer (in a frame, as in “framed”… a clue?).

Center of this conspiracy is Henrik’s extended family, from the loud disputes among themselves hardly changed a word. Like Thanksgiving at Kyrle’s place.

Americans are gluttons.

And very opinionated.

And cannot hold their liquor.

At least Swedes can hold their liquor.

And I can hold Malin Akerman (please Malin, we could make all of Scandinavia come together… get it?)

Around the same time is Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) – an unusual but equally brilliant detective and hacker security company Milton Security – tasked in Blomkvist life to sniff around (“sniff around!” House of Pain, people!), which ultimately leads but to the fact that they Blomkvist with the murder of Harriet Vanger help you.

They entered a 40-year-old chess game of intrigue, murder and incest. I said it. Intrigue.

What is good?

Rooney Mara, that is what is good. Man, she pierced every possible skin flap that was available. And then more flaps, which is professional.

More?

Christopher Plummer. I almost had the belief that he was old. Good acting!

Danny Craig (my buddy). He has been doing sit-ups.

Soundtrack – Trent Reznor made my booty shake. “Hammer of the Gods” is right! And then…

SPOILER ALERT!!!

And then it happened. I was made to cry.

I can, with squirming, handle anal rape.

Bloody nine iron to face is nothing (even with broken teeth clattering on the tile).

Torture-murder-dismembering of young women is easy.

But do not fuck with the cat.

NEVER fuck with the cat.

My eyes leaked. I sniffled. I took another bong hit and one more shot of Kossu. My eyes leaked some more.

Finally, I became less a Swede and more a man (kidding, Malin – Swedes are now cool to me).

SPOILER ALERT OVER!

For a summation, three thumbs up! One thumb just for Rooney Mara. One thumb for David Fincher. And another thumb for the year 2009 version from the Swedes – at least if shit is for the messing they don’t make it a greater (or lesser) mess, right?

And one head lowered, mourning for little furry cats everywhere.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. How could Ozzy not win “Survivor”? Odin, have you forsaken us all?

Tag: Bettina Browne

Project X [REVIEW]

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo [REVIEW]