Casey Adams – Behind the Proscenium

Total Recall

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Son of a bitch.

My working life is now my life of my life.

Sometimes the pain is so much, that there is howling where none is wanted.

Was I kicked in the right ball?

Stabbed in the lower right gut, pain flashing like a flashing pain light?

Made like the Lohan, when she moans the “Coke has run out” moan?

No.

Life life = kidney stone.

Pee that looks like oil of the motor, pain that is for the yelling until the sweet, sweet Dilauded in my new vein hole makes me the smiling man.

Pain is for the drug-free. I like drugs.

Work life = “Total Recall.”

Really?

Has the farting monkey classic “Ed” already been re-animated?

Hollywood, if there was a God with a shit to give you would all have the ball pain that made me Mr. Vicodin.

I think watching Colin Ferrell, take on the Arnold head a major crap, would have been O.K. if I was still Mr. Vicodin.

Or Mr. Kossu. Or Mr. Lemon Skunk Sativa.

Just being Mr. Kimmo made me cry.

Plot? There was one, in 1990. And it was good.

Now, white bread crap fest.

“Total Recall” and no Mars. I see.

Now is the time to re-do, yet take out all that made the first to be made.

Smart!

Sony, way to be!

Replace Arnold with boring Colin – check.

Replace Sharon Stone with a boring (but hot) vampire chick – check.

Interesting stuff replaced with same old crap – check.

Three-breasted woman – check.

I have seen the trailer – I have seen the movie.

Sony, my butt is for the kissing… get back there, pucker up, I like tongue!

That is all to say about this nothing pile. No reason to exist, no reason to write about it.

Rent it – smoke the sweet Sativa – eat Cheetos – maybe nap. Check out the Beckin-butt (Kate Beckinsale).

But… that is all.

Please Odin, give me another stone for the passing before my eyeballs must hurt my brain with another crappy re-do. Please.

Now, that is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. You, the children, who want to watch movies for the money all day and night like Kimmo? This is the shit that is your 90%. Study dentistry. Less pain all around.

P.P.S. Olympics. Why do the flippy pre-pubescent girls get the ratings? Why not the beach ladies with the ass crack assaulting shorts? That is entertainment! And Ryan Seacrest must be stopped. Before he multiplies! Hey Sony, there’s an idea that’s not a remake. Assholes.

Project X

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Thanks to Odin. Much thanks.

Why?

Tuesday, with the fact that Tuesday must happen, happens.

Tuesday?

Reviewing assignments for Friday.

My mind is sweating mind thoughts: “Please Odin, if I am to review that damn “Lorax” movie, drop me first with a face stretching stroke. Explode my eyeballs. Make me never to see the whoring out of a great man by his money grubbing widow (because I already am still in the stink of “Cat In The Hat”. Mike Meyers, you make Canada sad with this.).

Then the God of Cargo came through – assignment “Project X.”

The “YES” I screamed was like that of Ron Jeremy in the day of hay.

“Project X.”

Teenagers in heat.

Crazy crap of the happening.

The party is bigger than big – or than the big it should have been (“Risky Business”, but funny).

First, I, Kimmo place a major hit in the bong. I say you, the viewer, must do the same.

Then another.

Then one more.

“Project X” is now the adolescent party gone out of bounds “Citizen Kane.” Without stupid sleds. Or story.

Movies with plot are over the rated. Serious.

Plot? Really?

You are to the reading of a critic think write of “Project X” and you are really thinking the plot is a thing of mattering? Plot is replaced by:

1) Boobs

2) Butt

3) Tight female bellies (which must be under the age – High School, right? HOT!!!)

4) Booze

5) Midgets

6) Boobs

7) Drugs (not just me)

8) Car in pool

9) Fat kids to fun out on

10) Boobs

11) Hand held camera!

Is this “Cloverfield”? Better.

“The Blair Witch Project” (more boobs than the witch here)? Better.

“Paranormal Activity 1-15”? Better.

The “why” is answered by boobs. And crazy teen hi-jinks. Virgins deflowered. Window broken. Then another broken. And hymens (see the deflowering before, but also with the broken part. YES!).

Do you feel that I am in love with this film? I am.

It pretends to be nothing more than it is. Party out of bounds (thanks, B-52’s). I laughed. I coughed (after another pull on the dugout I recently purchased off of internet sales).

Conclusion: If when the seeing of the trailer for this film makes you say “Hells yeah, if I miss this, my life is lesser than that it was” you will love it.

If when you see the trailer you feel the stick crawl up your butt telling you that “fun is only for the young?” Stay home and watch “Matlock.”

This is no “Shark Night 3-D.”

And, thanks to Odin, this isn’t the crap licking “Lorax.” I can thank more than one God for that.

So, one thumb asleep. The other thumb erect, because that thumb likes on the boobs. Who doesn’t?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Glee?” WTF?!? Ryan Murphy, although before I never let the suspect for my boner on Dianna Agron, you have gone too much far. Our feud is to for the public. I call you out. Why is my mind your mess? There will be blood.

Tag: Casey Adams

Total Recall [REVIEW]

Project X [REVIEW]