Cassian Elwes – Behind the Proscenium

August 16, 2013

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

September 7, 2012September 7, 2012

The Words [REVIEW]

The Words

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

For the critic of the film there is always the hope, “please Odin, let this be the one.

The great film of the year!”

Then the thoughts crawl into the reality space and think “at least be the one that entertains my brain and makes me think of the movie and not running with the screams out of the theater.”

Then the thoughts go to “please don’t let this movie be a fart in my mouth hole – I hope I put another bottle of Kossu in the freezer, just in case.”

Finally the thoughts are “Odin, if you end my life now at least the pain won’t last like that of “Transformers 3” – do I need sweet smoke from the dispensary to dull the horror ache and so I can also soothe my hurt with Cheetos?”

Crappy honest truth: 1^st thoughts happen 2% of time, 2^nd thoughts 10%, 3^rd thoughts 65%, and 4^th thoughts 23% (Intern – add up the numbers. I’m so high). The ratio is never to be betted on, yet I still take this paycheck.

I am a reviewer.

Today’s film? “The Words.”

“The Word” would have been better because it is shorter. But know, we are to suffer on “The Words.”

Plot? Too much. But like a Ukrainian nesting doll in the backwards. And not interesting, but not so bad for a fart in the mouth hole (my new ratings system!).

Spoiler Alerts!

We make start with the inside doll. An American soldier (Ben Barnes) who falls in love with a French barmaid (Nora Arnezeder) after one of the World Wars.

But this story is contained in doll #2 (number two – this is related to the fart) which is about Rory Jansen (Bradley Cooper – douche, but not like Shia) who writes a book that an award is put on, “The Window Tears.” Then another doll! The outside-est of the dolls.

This story is in the story of Clay Hammond (Dennis Quaid) and his book “The Words” (so clever!).

Olivia Wilde is involved, and doesn’t get naked. This made me sad.

BUT, in the #2 fart doll, Rory didn’t the writing of the book! Holy shit! Here comes Jeremy Irons!

Rory is in the big trouble.

End spoilers!

Go ahead and follow through on the spoiler reading. Then when the girlfriend makes you with eyes open watch this you can still sleep with your brain off.

Or think of the nakedness of Olivia Wilde that is not seen.

Whatever is for the floating of your boat.

For me, two thumbs just sitting like thumbs… thumbs staring at each other thinking “what the hell, thumb?”

Luckily for Kimmo, I found a Kossu flask in my jacket while this inside doll took up the screen. It was mostly full for 45 seconds, then mostly empty.

“The Words” was better for about 20 minutes.

Better yet? 3 hits of the sweet, sweet “Blue Dream” smoke.

And popcorn.

With that, one more brain attack by “Transformers 3′ can be handled.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Finally, that little mariachi elf from “America’s Got Talent” is gone. My hatred for him burned like white hot steel inside the Finnish sun on fire. It defined my existence. Without the elf and the hate my life is nothing. Until “The Voice.” Christina has the big ones. Two of them. Kimmo like.

August 31, 2012

Lawless [REVIEW]

Lawless

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Warning: This review was fueled by Kossu.

The shots were flowing into my stomach place, the sweet burn up into my brain stem, and then my brain thoughts shot out of the finger ends on the keyboard.

As it should be.

I went to the cinema with a fellow reviewer, Yves.

He is as much a foreign as I, but since he is French he is funny in America.

He would tell me over and again that in France Shia LaBeouf is really Shia “The Beef.”

I would say no, it is really Shia “The Douche.”

Yves laughed, then I laughed like a horse and the lovely Kossu shot straight from my mouth to out of my nostril area.

Pain. Delicious pain.

And I would tongue bathe the now salty Kossu (not good, do not try to shoot it out of the nasal) off of my upper lip and drink again.

Then one more shot. And again. I was wasted!

Plot? Yeah. Attention, be forewarned, “Lawless” is based on real events!

To contextualize the plot, narrator, protagonist of the story, informs you of immediately the rules – or rather the lack of rules – that takes place in Franklin County, Virginia in the early 1930s (wow, in “Lawless” the 30s sucked a giant wiener!).

Bondurant brothers are notorious bootleggers. The stakes are simple in a world without rules where the police are corrupt and justice sold, the three brothers “hold sway.”

Characterized without subtlety – the youngest is puny (“The Beef” is type-cast here – damn, another shot out of my nose) – the players will evolve gradually, as develops an adventure without surprise, to tend to be completely expected (and unsurprising).

Shia LaBeouf is absolutely not convincing in the role of the coward who becomes manly.

Tom Hardy (Bane! With a face to be seen!) and Jason Clarke embody their characters beyond the artificiality induced staging to be almost human.

Then they presents the majestic Jessica Chastain but is allowed to play nothing but a bore.

Why do women in movies like this only appear so that we want them to be naked? That would be great.

Note – Mia Wasikowska is the hotness. There should be more of the naked with her, too. In every movie that I ever have to see again.

God, make it so.

Not surprisingly, the female characters are hopelessly secondary and generate a dynamic of self-pity.

Why, why, why?

In short, John Hillcoat (director of the laugh riot fun fest “The Road”) book a gangster film with a pathetically inadequate story to the point of becoming ridiculous and women are for decoration.

Except for Mia Wasikowska. Decoration maybe, but I love her.

Lots of bang! Blood! Death!

People die for no reason. Characters never change.

Jessica Chastain takes her clothes off.

More bang (not guns)! More blood! More death!

This I learned of American History – in U.S.A.depression everything was brownish and dirty.

Everybody was on his body with a gun. And it was legal to shoot people.

Until Guy Pearce comes around and acts all weird.

Then there is MORE shooting. That is a lot of learning from one movie.

So, my smart thumb droops floor-ward.

My horny thumb thinks, “damn, this was good – put that Mia goddess in everything!” So that thumb strains for the ceiling (hubba hubba).

Should this be allowed to be seen by your eyes?

Do you have $10 to waste? Then go.

If there is anything else you can do with your limited time on Earth, do that instead.

Life is too fucking short.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. College football has returned. I now feel like an American from toe to top with my new love of the game! This “tailgating” is my new love thing. Fried meats, booze, dip, chips, booze, etc. If this in Finland was to exist we would all have frozen happily to death outside in the first blizzards of September! Hooray for warm America! And hooray for college football! Except for Alabama – you can suck it.