[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at email@example.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]
With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen
This is not reviewing a movie.
I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.
More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.
Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.
Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.
So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.
My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.
Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).
My ass crack is ready for theater seating.
Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.
My mind is “WTF?”
Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”
I am confusion.
I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?
Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.
I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.
Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.
Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.
Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?
His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”
WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”
Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.
By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?
Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”
I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.
So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.
“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”
I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?
Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”
There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.
For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.
Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!
Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium