Colman Domingo – Behind the Proscenium

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

Lincoln

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Nothing can bring the fear.

Nothing like the season of the fjord.

We are not lucky (unlucky) in fjords.

We are not Norway.

Sweden not, too, as well (Swedes are pussies so this is in the OK zone).

Yet the tragedy comes. Like winter.

More family drowning while trying to defeat cod.

The cod fight so hard, the winning may never happen.

Yet, I will eat their deep fried flesh. And the herring’s picked bodies.

I am a Finn.

I will fight the fish.

And I will eat.

Why all of this?

Another Mustonenen down. In the drink. Davey Jones’ locker, breathing water until the end.

Sadness makes my brain say “Hells no, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, when my family has a dead member. Bradley Cooper is still an asshole. And Jennifer Lawrence cannot be lusted after without Jesus being bummed. Thanks for the cock block Jesus.”

So, “Lincoln.”

Plot? Are you giving me the kids?

In the Middle Ages, America chose its leader by height. Lincoln was taller than hell. So he became King of America.

Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis) used his height to look down (like a God) and could somehow read the thoughts of those who were his enemies/friends.

Except he married The Flying Nun before she became annoying (retards, look up the reference).

Finally, America likes her. They really, really like her. But she is a bitch ass shrew. With hair from “Star Wars – Episode 4” (if you’re a nerd who has never kissed a girl or tasted a teat – to real people just damn “Star Wars”).

Anyway, the tallest man in America (who always had a helium suck before talking – squeak – where was James Earl Jones?) held the cards for political poker.

Then the entire movie started to seem like “Midnight Poker” on ESPN. With fake facial hair that could an automobile be purchased.

Luckily, an alcoholic puff-ball named James Spader showed up to make me want to have the drinking of the Kossu and the sweet, sweet smoke.

I had both.

And Tommy Lee Jones had the best hair in the America since Phil Spector. Yet there were no restaurant deaths. Too bad. His love for his woman made things boring.

So, tons of bad hair of the face.

Sweet Jesus, has nothing advanced since “Gettysburg” (worst face hair ever!)?

And casting Bruce McGill… genius, if only for his appearance in best history ever, “FDR: American Badass.” My world would have been completed if he only said, face to camera – “He’s Abraham Lincoln, motherfucker!”

Steven Spielberg has no balls. I believe they belong to Amy Irving.

Thumbs? Pretty damn up. Daniel Day-Lewis plays tall better than any man since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in “Game of Death.”

I truly in my mind believe that the tallest man (so the greatest man) in America was Abraham Lincoln. He allowed black people to talk and kung-fu Bruce Lee in the chest.

It is a weave that does tangle that American cinema weaves.

My mind is mush. I go back and forth between great cinema and another Finnish family death.

Oh well, Finland can take it in the anal pore. I am an American now and forever. And if tall people rule – well, then Daniel Day-Lewis is my leader forever. He stayed up late and told stories.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Game of Thrones” in three, maybe four months. My excitement hurts. Winter is coming! If my words have no meaning then your mind is potato. Seriously.

Tag: Colman Domingo

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

Lincoln [REVIEW]