Dallas Blake – Behind the Proscenium

RoboCop

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I don’t want to sound like a bitch bitching.

Yet things are forever the same.

Scene: Interior: Hollywood. Oldsters with the graying heads talk.

Oldster One: I have no idea of anything.

Oldster Two: I have to poop.

Oldster Three: Back in the day…

Then, into the room walks a younger oldster – a goddamn MBA.

Goddamn MBA: We don’t for having ideas. I just saw “RoboCop” from year’s long gone last night on IFC. Let’s make it three more times! If I had one original idea it would be my FIRST!!!

End Scene.

So I see the new “RoboCop.”

I fall back in to old ways.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I drink the Kossu. Ice cream bon-bons pressed against my taint. And I wonder – can this not be a suck-fest?

Can this be a mind changing of my mind event? Then there is the movie start.

MGM lion makes “Thrrrrrbbb, thrrrbbb” sound with the lion lips instead of “roar, I will eat your ass” sound.

So I turn to hot Finnish date Aino (her boobs are like rockets). Her look says “you are not too high – the lion just “thrrrrrbbbb”-ed.”

Man, this is movie done right!!!

And, do lions have lips?

Plot? OK.

Then the movie really starts. We have seen this in the before. Cop Murphy (Joel Kinnaman), soon to be Cop – Robo, has hot marriage ruining wife (Reese Witherspoon thanks you, Abbie Cornish).

He is good cop. He must fight cops for who to them good is just bad.

And more profitable.

Then the kaboom.

Enter Dr. Norton (Gary Oldmam) who works for the worst Batman (Michael Keaton) to make a robot cop a human/robot cop that will make liberals squeal and let drones fly our skies and walk our streets.

And he does.

Black Bill O’Reilly (Samuel L. Jackson) lets from his mouth place propaganda squirt. We must have robot cops. Drones are for the making of the friendly sky.

OK. I get it. Today has so many more troubles than 1987 things must be redone.

Or maybe not.

Damn, thinking is harder than not for thinking.

But the remake must be the remade. We have no choice.

For one more time this year I feel that I am watching Brad on the X-Box. (Brad is asshole roommate, but he did replace his eaten PB with the crunchy. Nice first step, Brad. Dick.)

Brad’s RoboCop rides a motorcycle. Well done!

Brad’s RoboCop hunts down bad guys with face mask giving him cheats. Done even better!

When is my turn? I would like to have the game for the playing.

But no. I must watch.

God dammit.

The last half of “RoboCop” is watching the roommate bogart the controller.

Don’t bogart the controller, my friend – pass it over to me!

So, thumbs are confused. Stuff is cool. Stuff is remade, but not better.

Where is Red (“come on, dumbass!”)?

Will there ever be new ideas?

Will the new “300” movie be more guys covered with oil?

This job is hard and then harder.

And with summer movies coming, my face makes a sad.

Summer is coming.

Crap storm.

Who will survive?

See “RoboCop” if you must.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Austria, Finland will crush you. In hockey. In other things, maybe not. Aino (of the buxom wonderness), you can watch the game in my apartment. I promise I will not go psychotic. I cannot promise this for my brother, Olli. He may psychotic and die. Such is being a Finn in Olympics time.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE:

Elysium

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The days of a dog summer are arrived.

The testicle kick torture that is summer movie season nears its end.

How much more can my two amigos take?

“The Great Gatsby” – pow, right in the pills.

“Fast and the Furious 6” – a hard punch to the giggleberries.

“White House Downer” – bitch slap to my plucked turkeys.

My junk can take no more. My area is a mess.

There is hope… It is called “Elysium.”

Neill Blomkamp made my head kaboom with “District 9.” The story of giant shrimp oppressed and the man (Sharlto Copley) who through a shrimp STD becomes another shrimp. He has their pain. He isn’t a shrimp Nelson Mandela – but that may never be, sadly. “District 9” had effects, good. Plot, surprise! Acting, cool.

What did my brain want with “Elysium”?

Good effects, surprise plot, cool acting. One out of three ain’t good (sorry Meatloaf).

Plot? Yes.

Used many times in the past times – used again.

In the further future, after “Blade Runner,” the rain has stopped in Los Angeles. The Japanese people have gone back to their homes and the Hispanics have returned from Japan.

It is daylight. Neon is not longer in fashion. Robots look like robots, not “I wanna make a little replicant with you” replicants like Sean Young (in the last century, she had for the hot – no shit).

Max (Matt Damon) was a child with Frey (Alice Braga). They are cute orphans. We cannot smell their orphan smell, so we still like them.

When older, Max having starred in “Fast and The Furious 73,” now just wants to build robots and be harassed by cop robots who are really cops from today in robot suits.

All are dusty and tattooed. All want to go up to Elysium.

Especially when Max gets a case of special die in exactly five days radiation.

Why Elysium?

Elysium is Las Vegas, but with healing, without cigarette smoke.

Delacourt (Jodie Foster) wants to keep it Las Vegas and is a bitch.

She hates Hispanics, giant shrimp, possibly the Japanese, and Max.

They are not allowed the Las Vegas.

Not even State Line.

There are mind thought transfers. Max becomes low-budget Transformer. Frey is pretty. Charles Manson Kruger (Sharlto Copley again –please speak English when speaking English – I will never know how you said what you said until I get the Blu-ray and use the CC) will soon attend Overactor’s Anonymous.

This night was a Kossu only for Kimmo night.

Big mistake.

I could see the future of the film before that future was the now.

Poor people, sad.

Rich people, mean.

Movie goer, still waiting for giant shrimp.

Would a better place be film “Elysium” with the sweet, sweet smoke? This can never be known.

So, two thumbs needing exo-skeleton to stand tall – waiting for five day radiation death, but only having to survive the hour and forty-nine minute movie film which seemed like five day radiation death.

But no 3D! Praise Odin!!!

Bad? No.

Good? No.

Matt Damon? He did many sit-ups and push-ups for preparing to act. I now feel fat.

So… see “Elysium” and feel fat. High praise!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Fall is coming. Which says Winter is coming. Which says “Game of Thrones” will return. Soon Westeros will be Finland, with more nudity (and dragons – no dragons in Finland). Who is point with thumbs at his face like a spastic and grinning and saying “who cannot wait for nude Finn Westeros Game of Thrones? This guy!”

Boom!

Tag: Dallas Blake

RoboCop [REVIEW]

Elysium [REVIEW]