Damon Lindelof – Behind the Proscenium

June 22, 2013

World War Z [REVIEW]

World War Z

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This week has made me hard.

It is hard when tragedy is the brain state to be in.

And I was.

I thought it was his death.

On the internet, my eyeholes made my brain see the truth – Gandalf was dead. “Noooooo!” my mind thoughts shrieked with silence.

“There are two more Hobbits with movies!” they again cried.

“He ass kicked Balrog – there is no “in this world” death for Gandalf!”

My squirting tears made for the red faced embarrassing at stupid Starbucks.

It turns out my mind thoughts were out of my mouth shouted.

Really loud.

The barista to me says “Gandalf is fictional – It is James Gandolfini who am dead.”

Well, that is suck.

“The Soprano Family” was all-time favorite of all Finns.

No reunion show now.

Not even in Italian heaven, for Tony bathed in an evil bath.

You are remembered with smiling, James Gandolfini – except for “The Last Castle.”

That move was a floating turd in your acting punchbowl.

Now for the reviewing.

“World War Z.”

I had a great learning from this movie-film:

Never read a book.

Especially if there is a film in the future which will give the believing that the movie is based on the book with the same name.

How many times am I to be the stupid guy?

“Starship Troopers” – sooo excited!

Movie – title, bugs, and space. Nothing else in common with cool book.

“The Postman” – thought in head book in shit future, well done!

Movie – title, postal uniform and horses. And Kevin Goddamn Costner. Barf.

Now “World War Z” – epic oral history of near end of mankind – super cool!

Movie – title, zombies, war. And Brad Goddamn Pitt. Double barf. With chunks.

Plot? Kind of.

All of it starts with a typical day in Philadelphia with zombies playing a big game of “Zombie Bite Tag.”

Rules are to run very fast, then bite the person running to the away place and then he/she is “it.” You (the zombie biter) are still “it”, too.

“Zombie Bite Tag” goes on until even people in Israel are “it.”

Gerry Lane (Brad Goddamn Pitt) with his wife Karin (Mireille Enos of “Wow! All Those Killings!”) don’t like “Zombie Bite Tag” and try to make it become to stop.

And make Kimmo try to care about if they are to be totally dead or just as dead as their acting. I (after sweet, sweet smoke and half a liter of Kossu) played “Zombie Bite Tag” with ice cream bon-bons, but not being a zombie from this dumb film, I swallowed.

Delicious!

Thoughts from “World War Z.”

In WWZ world, all zombies are from Usain Bolt. Thems suckers am fast!

Here’s how Zombie Olympics Sprint Finals are the results:

Bronze – tie! “The Walking Dead” zombies and “Night of the Living Dead” zombies! Damn shufflers.

Silver – tie! “28 Days Later” zombies (I know, Rage Virus… shut up, nerds!) and “Resident Evil” zombies (don’t start with me, nerds!). Fast, but enough fast?

Hells no!

Gold – “World War Z” zombies! By a long shot. Men rubbing against boys. No contest.

And in packs. Like high school girls. But less dangerous.

So, what was for learning with this movie-film?

Damon Lindelof is a hacker writer hack. Last 30 minutes remaking happened and he was the “writer.”

30 minutes of “I really need another hit of smoke/Kossu if interesting is to be me to this film.”

Don’t believe the hacking?

See “Lost” Season 6. Hack, hack, hack. And hack again.

Also, (SPOILER ALERT – STOP READING NOW, NERDS!) when Arabs and Israeli’s sing together, zombies must make it stop. Singing is anger to the undead.

They climb and run and bite and climb. (NO MORE SPOLERS – I DON’T THINK SO AND HOPE NOT)

Finally? Never read a book. The movie will only disappoint you like the internet death of Gandalf.

Even if it was always the other guy anyway. Gandolfini. Finland will miss you.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Summer T.V.! Live action “Simpson’s Movie” called “Under the Dome” is to be the bomb! The good bomb, as the saying comes from the kids. What would you do Under the Dome? When the weed ran out? Other than the crying…

June 8, 2012June 8, 2012

Prometheus [REVIEW]

Prometheus

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Prometheus!”

Finally!

I gathered my supplies – for movie ogling and note taking, sweet sticky bud smoked in my car.

The a large coke.

No popcorn.

The greasy corn turns my note sheets into transparent unreading mush.

Now for reviewing I drink the kossu.

But trouble is in a dangling Damocles sword over my head.

So much kossu has been in my mouth hole that I must get a liver ultrasound tomorrow!

How is this can possible?

Is this the end for Kimmo?

Is this the end for kossu?

I am the bummer… but wow – “Prometheus!”

Considered one of the great directors in 30 years, has in some of the best films in the field of science fiction (and others) and with each new film attracts audiences from simple village idiots to up hardcore cinephiles.

His name is Ridley Scott and has nothing to prove anything anymore.

Except for “Gladiator.”

That movie was more the funny than “Monty Python And The Holy Grail” but still a shit log.

The legendary “Alien” is undoubtedly the expected movies of the year and shortly before he had released the movie trailer was enough to cause a frenzy of fans.

And geeks are frenzied bunch!

Virgins can get nasty.

Plot? Hells yeah!

The mythical Prometheus created the first humans from clay and fire (made sense while stoned – now suspect).

The spacecraft “Prometheus”, Scott starts from the realm of uncertainty to come to the eternal mystery of the origin of the first man.

The theories on the creation of man from the aliens are not new, their roots hold thousands of years since man began to think consciously and carved on the walls.

Conscious men never got their deposits back.

Do not carve on the walls.

Or let your cat pee on the carpet.

From the first minutes of the film and the spectacular opening of the thirsty viewer (a large coke is quickly drunken when the sweet bud is in my head) is confronted with all these unanswered questions in a 3D world (damn, 3D that worked!) abundant charm and a spectacle that nourishes the eye and excites the imagination.

The work done in special effects and generally in all the scenery is truly worthy of attention and the most rigorous and demanding audience.

Also the cast of Scott in the film include Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron as “robot” and “ruthless woman” respectively and are highly successful.

Charlize has given me two cinematic boners in my pants this year.

This is a good year for Kimmo!

Noomi Rapace is the good. No shit.

She is the girl in a shrink-to-fit-with-blow-dryer space suit that showed her a good ass actor.

So confusion comes. Is this cinematic boner for Noomi or Charlize?

Do I really care?

So, two thumbs throbbing like my love of the Charl-oomi.

I want. And then I want more.

The view is the almost obligatory to all lovers of science fiction and general lovers of the dark room.

Go see this thing.

Twice.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Game of Thrones” season 2 in the books. We have White Walkers in Finland. We call them “drunk relatives in the snow.” They are less scary in Finland but smell worse. Now, back to my bong and the worry thoughts that will bring me to tomorrow. If I must not drink of the kossu, is live worth living? These thoughts must be thought.

July 28, 2011July 28, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens [REVIEW]

Cowboys & Aliens

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Cowboys & Aliens. Who didn’t play this game in the backyard, when you were children?

I was always a cowboy for I had a hat. It (the scenario) was better on my neighbor Kurri’s backyard; than it was on the big-ass screen.

Story? Well, here goes something…

If a stranger wakes up in the middle in New Mexico in 1873, he does not have memory of his past.

So says this film.

The only reference point which he has is, clamped to his wrist, an outlandish metal bracelet.

The foreigner walks into the city of Absolution and confuses and angers of the local cattle baron – his son. And he has run afoul and a brigand (yes, at the same time).

But when he finds out why he can’t think (not booze – though that has made me not think – like last Wednesday… but that is for another article – boy, I was drunk) – I just got lost in my own sentence.

And from here, Cowboys & Aliens enters into same old, same old cycle, which has the again formed group to run into sporadic detours on their journey – only to be alien attacked again and again.

I miss Indians.

The attacks are shot acceptable. Director Jon Favreau is not stranger to the shooting activity, but there’s no tension, no edge of their seat excitement, which should come at all directions and from each possible position of constraint.

And then we find the heroes can die.

No one never did die in the Kurri’s backyard (not for lack of trying).

Cowboys & Aliens is played fast and loose. The film wastes no time with receiving firmly into and soon it is alien time.

This sets the movie away from other, shy, films. Like Super 8. Show the monster already!

Daniel Craig forms persuasive ass-kicker, for very much a cowboy. That is, if you’ve never seen a movie about cowboys – with or without aliens.

I won’t spoil the alien look. They’re gnarly and ugly – like Kathy Griffin (ha! A joke!).

But even awkward exhibition and lengthy letters can work on their way into an exciting adventure film. Unfortunately, no person it seems in Cowboys & Aliens seems to have fun.

Harrison Ford grumbles with constipation, which does in each film for the last several years (two words – stool softener. Changed my life).

There are moments here and, where he and Craig talk to each other with their eyeballs. Those moments are cool.

Sam Rockwell seems the only member which thoroughly amuses himself. At my screening, the chant “More Sam, more Sam” made the rafters dance (disco!).

And this disappointment continues and on into approximately each aspect of Cowboys & Aliens (that is fun to type).

A western film, tries to have John Ford landscapes, can not strike the necessary boundry-lessness of the west – and the alien motivation for the Earth grabbing? Stupid, stupid, stupid (my editor stops me at three stupids).

Summary: Cowboy & Aliens was better in the Kurri’s backyard of my childhood than in the multiplex which now probably fills the backyard of your youth.

Oh, and Olivia Wilde is fetching (new word)!

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium