David Crank – Behind the Proscenium

December 7, 2012November 27, 2017

Lincoln [REVIEW]

Lincoln

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Nothing can bring the fear.

Nothing like the season of the fjord.

We are not lucky (unlucky) in fjords.

We are not Norway.

Sweden not, too, as well (Swedes are pussies so this is in the OK zone).

Yet the tragedy comes. Like winter.

More family drowning while trying to defeat cod.

The cod fight so hard, the winning may never happen.

Yet, I will eat their deep fried flesh. And the herring’s picked bodies.

I am a Finn.

I will fight the fish.

And I will eat.

Why all of this?

Another Mustonenen down. In the drink. Davey Jones’ locker, breathing water until the end.

Sadness makes my brain say “Hells no, ‘Silver Linings Playbook’, when my family has a dead member. Bradley Cooper is still an asshole. And Jennifer Lawrence cannot be lusted after without Jesus being bummed. Thanks for the cock block Jesus.”

So, “Lincoln.”

Plot? Are you giving me the kids?

In the Middle Ages, America chose its leader by height. Lincoln was taller than hell. So he became King of America.

Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis) used his height to look down (like a God) and could somehow read the thoughts of those who were his enemies/friends.

Except he married The Flying Nun before she became annoying (retards, look up the reference).

Finally, America likes her. They really, really like her. But she is a bitch ass shrew. With hair from “Star Wars – Episode 4” (if you’re a nerd who has never kissed a girl or tasted a teat – to real people just damn “Star Wars”).

Anyway, the tallest man in America (who always had a helium suck before talking – squeak – where was James Earl Jones?) held the cards for political poker.

Then the entire movie started to seem like “Midnight Poker” on ESPN. With fake facial hair that could an automobile be purchased.

Luckily, an alcoholic puff-ball named James Spader showed up to make me want to have the drinking of the Kossu and the sweet, sweet smoke.

I had both.

And Tommy Lee Jones had the best hair in the America since Phil Spector. Yet there were no restaurant deaths. Too bad. His love for his woman made things boring.

So, tons of bad hair of the face.

Sweet Jesus, has nothing advanced since “Gettysburg” (worst face hair ever!)?

And casting Bruce McGill… genius, if only for his appearance in best history ever, “FDR: American Badass.” My world would have been completed if he only said, face to camera – “He’s Abraham Lincoln, motherfucker!”

Steven Spielberg has no balls. I believe they belong to Amy Irving.

Thumbs? Pretty damn up. Daniel Day-Lewis plays tall better than any man since Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in “Game of Death.”

I truly in my mind believe that the tallest man (so the greatest man) in America was Abraham Lincoln. He allowed black people to talk and kung-fu Bruce Lee in the chest.

It is a weave that does tangle that American cinema weaves.

My mind is mush. I go back and forth between great cinema and another Finnish family death.

Oh well, Finland can take it in the anal pore. I am an American now and forever. And if tall people rule – well, then Daniel Day-Lewis is my leader forever. He stayed up late and told stories.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Game of Thrones” in three, maybe four months. My excitement hurts. Winter is coming! If my words have no meaning then your mind is potato. Seriously.

September 14, 2012September 14, 2012

The Master [REVIEW]

The Master

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I was audited.

Not by the sucking of blood monsters – the IRS assholes.

That is numbers.

Easy are the numbers. No.

They tried to audit my brain stem.

Walking down Hollywood Boulevard see the hotness. She stands, nearly perfect, handing out a tiny paper for the handing out.

“Free auditing” it says.

“Go further into the Hollywood heart” or something like that. I cannot resist her boobishness (they were magnificent).

So I go. Free audit is cool!

They give me a “Test of Your Personality” instead.

I hold “the cans.”

My mind cries “what the fuck?” but it is too late.

I can be a better man, if only I have the money.

I will never get near perfect handing out of paper girl. She was the meat to attract this Finnish bear-man (not gay bear, you may understand my mouth from brain thoughts, or not).

I become aware of the thought that I’m surrounded by Scientologists.

Son of a bitch.

To them I lived 75 million years ago (thank you, internet research! You saved me millions of dollars!).

Xenu – the asshole of the story brings me to Earth flying on a 1950s Earth plane.

OK.

Then into a volcano, like a virgin whose meat curtains are intact, I am flung.

Then the bombing of the nuclear stuff. Boom!

We are all dead and floaty in space. Ghosts of space. Until onto bodies we cling, like ticks, or whores in Vegas with the money to make.

If I give up Kossu and the sweet weed my life will expand into others and money, greatness, and the ability to live in a closet (with Top Gun) will be mine.

Why this sharing of intimate and things that are close to my mind?

I just saw “The Master” and it is almost documentary in its truth.

The Cause is a front – cult to those who know what is a cult. No cans to hold on with hands, but Amy Adams… that is a rocker!

Plot? Totally in the face it comes!

First, Paul Thomas Anderson leads us in charming expressive fragments of the history of his protagonist Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) in mind.

Bird’s-eye view we see him on a warship with the noise and tries last night sleep high above the deck on a platform, from below him a bunch of sailors who party like sailors keep his awake.

The Second World War is over, Freddie is an alcoholic. Who isn’t?

A psychiatric admission and several jobs later, he is to have a drunk Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) encounter, again on a boat.

Freddie follows, Lancaster is the leader.

Freddie has problems with Lancaster.

Lancaster has problems with Freddie.

There are motorcycles and a cool big boat on the floating of water.

And again, Amy Adams (yee haw!).

Much is happening.

Then it all arrives at basically “what the hell did my eyeballs just let enter my head?” And yet, awesome.

It has the look of well lit candy. Beautiful.

I need no sense to enter my mind parts. It is just good and cool.

So, two thumbs up, though slightly confused… the thumbs. Like the rest of my body parts.

Except for another part that is always up for Amy Adams. Heh.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Americahas gone to the dogs (this will be every headline, but I am always first)! At least on “America’s Got Talent.” Go, go you Olate Dogs! They know more tricks than a Kardashian whore with Ray J pretending that the camera was less than on. Again – go, go you dogs. Kardashians? Kiss my ass.

April 22, 2011May 31, 2011

Water For Elephants

Greetings, faithful readers. There is much news (and much change!) at Behind the Proscenium. We have moved – emotionally and physically. Physically, from New York (the Big Apple – I love Appletinis) to Los Angeles (The Big ? – but I’ll take the margaritas). Emotionally, from despair, to hope, to triumph. More on that later.

Since I have been so busy, I have chosen a guest reviewer (to review our first motion picture!) – a delicious man from Finland. Kimmo Mustonenen is very well known in the critical community as a critic’s critic. So today, as we emerge from Behind The Proscenium, I present to you Kimmo Mustonenen’s brilliant review of “Water For Elephants”.

Take it away, Kimmo!

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“Water For Elephants” Review – by Kimmo Mustonenen

It all started when I saw the Twilight Saga, familiar to Robert Pattinson a magazine for young women pages.

No, I do not usually read those magazines – it just happened to come accept a job in the coffee room. Really.

Pages of a magazine was waiting for a surprise, which caused almost obsessive interest in young Mr. Pattinson’s new “Elephant Water” films.

Robert Pattinson – hysteria & circuses, cried the magazine title and the star of the picture proudly displayed a big smile while both hands onto a giant elephant intrusive nasal.

Article caused great wonderment in my mind and raised questions. Is it that today’s teenage girls no longer enough just beautiful boy charming smile? If further adolescent really so blatant metaphors? Questions puzzled my mind, rather than later published in the trailer gives no answers. I got my hands on the Artichoke Film catalog and introductory text encapsulates the film hooks maximal manner:

“Together with Jacob and Marlena are trying to find common ground on a new entrant to the circus, Rosie, an elephant – and with each other.”

In the three pieces of our time immoral triangle, unless I have not understood the whole movie’s point completely wrong.

Now the long wait will be rewarded when the “Water Elephants” will be premiered. “Constantine” director Francis Lawrence to combine “Twilight” star Pattinson, “Walk the Line” decorative Reese Witherspoon, Oscar-winning actor Christoph Waltz, and an elephant named Rosie horse shit stink, but his film. Rumors say that in real life Pattinson took the role against the 42-year-old, more than 4000 kg elephant due.

“When Robert saw the elephant, he loved it so much, that definitely wanted to play the role of Jacob“, one of the R-Pattz actress friend says.

We are living in the 1930s Depression-ravaged America. Jacob will be orphaned of his parents died in a car accident. Veterinarian Studies of disruption and the bank seized the home because of debts. Jacob ends up accidentally falling within the party of the circus train and befriends a circus with the people dear to quickly support a number of star brightness, Marlena (Witherspoon).

Circus manager is Marlena’s quick temper and a violent husband, August (Waltz), which takes Jacob wings Rosie-trained elephants, the latest entrant to the circus. Jacob and Marlena’s secret relationship came to light the following problems.

“Water For Elephants” is not just a dirty metaphors studded ultimaaattinen karsanhyvailyelokuva or even Pattinson naamavarkilla equestrian circus camp.

Sara Gruen of the same name based on the novel worked screenplay manages to cover almost completely beneath the smoldering invisible ink written kaksimielisyydet that subtitles do things, if it is to take a closer look.

Movie barking is unnecessary, so focus on the good aspects.

Story told in flashback and frame the story in retirement Jacob (Hal Holbrook), accounting for a young history ringmaster. The best part of the scene where Jacob says the young man’s ear and is beautiful.

Soon the “Water Elephant” really gets started and we hear tell Pattinson veterinarian studies, and how he has been too many times to push his hand cow ass. Jacob end of year later, the circus comes to him under more specific use. Man adapts very well in all kinds of wild animals and sirkusfriikkien population, although the typical characters – such as the bearded woman – not the movie nahdakaan. As a counterweight to the state of residence divided Jacob, Kinko called dwarf (Mark Povinelli), whose raksyttava Jack Russell terrier is aptly named Queenie.

Soon Jacob is seen lapioimassa sweaty circus tent in front of the manure. Photo by Rodrigo Prieto, the camera moves to the same sample during a natural picture of a little aside and attached Marlena and her white horses. A few scenes later, Marlena singing children’s songs, while Jacob bang the horse to death with a pistol.

Prieto and director Lawrence keep good care of the fact that often the pictures are carefully portraits. Teen out of the theater audience is familiar with the brainwashing and cult Pattinson already in full swing.

Pattinson and Witherspoon are movie stars, but in smaller roles are Waltz, and Rosie, the elephant, play a much more convincing. Waltz, August-likeness is the same as the oppressive cold Hans Land Below “Inglourious Basterds”. Rosie charms every scene is no wonder that he went to Pattinson’s messed up. The permit is warm and dirty karsaromantiikkaa attention when James is released to manage elephants. Rosie is thrilled once even a bit of splashing face hanging elimellaan.

“Water for Elephants” contains something for everyone. Pattinson having comfortably beaten by a couple of times, but something even better happens. Movie is the best section Jacob gets prank victim and wake up wet after a night out from the barrel pelleksi masked yesterday without remembering anything. A bit later, he discovers something even more shocking, but I am leaving it a secret in this context.

“Water for Elephants”, this time, may be graded at four stars out of five. However, it is good to note that the score is given, at least potentially Pattinson fans the human or other creature’s point of view. Under normal circumstances, like a nihilist could approach it in a slightly different way, and bend up to hold it in a bad movie, but for me, the brainwashing has already occurred.

If the score does not feel right or you are otherwise hurt just reading your text, so can not do anything. Bad luck.

Kimmo Mustonenen
Follow @KimmoMustonenen