David Jensen – Behind the Proscenium

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Mustonenen has taken an unorthodox approach to this week’s review of “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” We at Behind The Proscenium support his decision completely. If you have any talent and/or interest in film review and criticism, please e-mail us at intern@mankabros.com or let us know why you would be great for the job in the comments below Thank you for your continued support!]

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

With Wit, NOT Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

This is not reviewing a movie.

I did not see the movie and feel that to review what did not walk on my eyes would be like a lie, but with less evil.

More of leading you into a non-existence that would be now existing, but impossible.

Like Silver Lake, but with less neck-beard, skinny jean, fake eyeglass wearing hipster douching bags.

Or just as many. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

Crazy.

So. I sit in my car, maximum bonging taking up my last minutes before to work I must go.

My lung sacks burned by the sweet, sweet smoke. My mind now has the “artist time” thoughts.

Also the “I’m for the chewing of popcorn” thoughts and “time for a shot of Kossu” thoughts and “that American girl has twin pendulous personalities” thoughts (nerds, I am referring to epic boob-dom – touch one/both sometime, it is awesome).

My ass crack is ready for theater seating.

Then my eyeballs are swung to the marquee. My mind now has not thoughts.

My mind is “WTF?”

Because my mind sees (with the eyeball help) “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.”

I am confusion.

I am to see “The Butler.” Who in Justin Bieber hell is Lee Daniels? And how does his name grow in front of a movie?

Tyler Perry may do this. He is the Queen of Drag and may command it.

I have no remembering of any other asshole with a name before a movie.

Oh. Cheech and Chong. But they share a genius brain and I think I am related.

Mr. Daniels man has an ego inflated like my stomach balloon after six Taco Bell Nacho Cheese Loco Tacos. Only with the taco orgy, I can later lift a butt cheek and deflate myself hideously.

Nothing could deflate Mr. Daniels. Proof?

His last asshole movie name was “Precious (Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire).”

WTF? This man is an asshole. Or as we cry in Finland, “sir, you are an asshole.”

Lee Daniels, sir, you are an asshole.

By the time these thoughts choke for air in my car and mind, thinking and thinking (and hating), I am seeing that movie time for watching is in the past 30 minutes. Do I stay? Do I go?

Then I think, “if this dick-face made “Shark Night in 3D 2” I would not let my eyes watch.”

I speak the truth. What an ass-hat.

So, now, I must talk on the good. And the good was even gooder. Not cinema. No.

“Breaking Bad, Season 5B, Episode One.”

I will never be Mr. Meth-Head tweeker, spitting teeth into the breakfast and hair balls like the cat. Bad news. But why couldn’t Walter White (Bryan Cranston) had the botany hard on?

Good thing that is a no – because his ganj would be in my bowl, and I would be forever in the parking lot, pupils pointed at the marquee, thinking “Who the hell does this jerking off Lee Daniels think he is?”

There would still be much waiting for an answer… but MUCH less of the caring.

For concluding: Lee Daniels, my whirling butt-cherry is for the kissing. Now.

Next week – “The World’s End.” Nerds, start your engine motors!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

Battleship

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Once again, the youth is easy picking for the child predators.

Our youth be the memories.

The predator?

Hollywood.

Again.

B4 – Hit! But in an inappropriate way on my child thoughts.

J1 – Miss! But not for your lacking at the trying.

J10 – Oh, you sunk my Battleship memories of fun and now is just CGI shit-fest! (I slap my forehead and into the lake backwards off the dock I reel, “You sunk my childhood!”).

My excitement rises like a boil in my armpit.

What’s next? “Bingo – The Movie?”

So, it seems that sailors are the cool.

So cool that they must fight a Transformer-like army from a wet dream on the Michael Bay sheets.

Mom, his sheets need changing.

His camera moves even in the night. It never stops.

Would that he would go blind. Michael Bay.

And he had nothing to do with this – except inspire it – with his camera frantic wet penis dreams.

I hate him.

HATE HIM.

So, like a turd in a punchbowl, “Battleship” floats.

Like the turd, we wish for its existence to end.

Like the turd, its existence is demanded.

It’s in our damn punchbowl.

Fuck.

Plot? Really?

Are you kidding my brain?

Battleships. Other ships. Crazy alien shit.

Kaboom!!!!

Destroyers. Cruise missiles. Actors.

Kablooie!!!. Waves. More actors.

Fizzle.

I need a drink.

Burp.

Good things, though? Hells yeah!.

Rhianna (character irrelevant) in shrink-to-fit with a blow-dryer body suit carrying a gun as big as a redneck making up for his short penis… Hells yeah!

She is #1 in my Masturbation Memory Bank – with a bullet (take a seat Christina Aguilera).

Brooklyn Decker’s cleavage?

If heaven was of boobs, I’m in heaven.

Liam Neeson (character irrelevant, but higher rank – not in my MMB, but in Navy) growls like a bear.

Poor Liam. Wife dead from ski head rock, but will take any movie like a new generation Michael Caine.

I understand. Take the money.

But, son of a bitch buddy, not this!

You sunk my “give a shit!”

Could I write more? If, by the word paid, then yes.

But this is the summer movie shit-storm beginning. I will see the same thing. I will write the same thing. Greed will overtake my mind more than the Rhianna-lust.

Shit movie is shit movie.

This reviewer is drooling on the coming of “Prometheus.”

Wrong? I could be.

But the belief that summer BANG movies can be smarter than me? I hope. I believe.

As for “Battleship?” I am sad with the thought that for some retards, this turd will float.

No. Please.

And “no” again.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol.” Make me proud. White Guy With Guitar #5 FTW!!!!!! And then disappear quickly. That is the pattern.

Tag: David Jensen

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

Battleship [REVIEW]