Diezel Ramos – Behind the Proscenium

June 24, 2016June 24, 2016

Independence Day: Resurgence [REVIEW]

Independence Day: Resurgence

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Kimmo, you were gone again. W in TF, crazy Finn?” You asked this of me.

My fingers now answer.

I could not write from the jail house.

We were too busy a singin’ that rock.

Baby!

Let’s rock!

I lie.

There is no mouth music out of my face in the big house.

Or even the little house… L.A. County.

That is where my time was because I had a case of the stalking. Not my fault – she was the one that made me the one that was doing the doing.

So pretty.

So smart.

Mine.

Maika Monroe – I will stay 300 foot from you, with the order that is restraining my love.

You say that the “It” in “It Follows” was named Kimmo.

If so, I am charged guilty – guilty of Goddess worshipping.

But then… then… your ding damn movie!

W in TF?

Oh Odin!

I tried for the drunkening.

I smoked the sweet, sweet smoke.

I, with accidental dumb, froze my nut bag with ice cream Bon-Bons (again! I hope my swimmers are still active).

But I must have to say – my IQ was shed of a good 50 points much like dog hairs falling in the heat wave.

IQ all over the sofa.

IQ all over my jacket.

IQ stuck in my butt crack.

“Independence Day: Resurgence” is so dumb, that dumb is smart to it.

How dumb?

OK!

Dumb plot?

Sure!

Will Smith has asked for so much cheddar that he is now just a portrait.

His son (Jessie T. Usher) is a mannequin that is also a pilot.

Judd Hirsh is still Jewing – his boat is floated by continent-sized alien frisbee into Nevada. Believing is total, really – only 90% of audience went “bulls are shitting here” when seeing this.

David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) is still on meth twitchy – but his ex-wife from 20 years ago is a goner. Or she is now French (Charlotte Gainsbourg). There is no explanation.

The there is Mr. Sass (Liam Hemsworth) who is also hot shot top gun pilot guy. He can fly anything (as well as not kill puppies when listening to Miley Cyrus talk – maybe the deafness has saved his brain).

Data (Brent Spiner) who died in ID4 has beaten dead, but unlike Christ took longer than 3 days to be the groundhog. He is funny, and with it has many more smarts than the movie film.

President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) has a cane, so we know he is the crazy. His daughter (Maika, I forgive you, and will for every time you have me arrested – so stop with that doing of arresting, OK?) is hot and is good at piloting, too. And she and Liam are in the Mile High Club.

Hopefully. If I was Liam.

Pac-Man comes to the moon, but we are all “suck it, Pac-Man” and shoot him in the face. But… he has come to say that… they are coming… Space Invaders!!!

Ugh.

Same shi-ite, different movie.

More coincidences that can possibly be coincidental.

Everybody ends up somewhere where the rest of everybody is. Then the other bodies end up where they are at.

Then some are in the giant alien frisbee bigger than Antarctica.

Then they are not.

There are speeches.

There are ethnic people on the radios listening to the speeches and maybe the World Cup (all of us ethnics listen to futball on the radio – so you can recognize us as not you).

Explosions.

Pac-Man is really Pac-Girl.

Whaaaaaaat?!?

Damn.

I wonder who wins.

So.

Two thumbs, like the ice-box carrots that became mine three weeks ago and are limper now than little Kimmo in the jail shower (fear makes soft – fact), pointing dirt-ward.

I will have this movie on my eyes maybe once more – this fall – while drunk and high and trying to sleep and ID:R slithers up on the HBO.

I will blow kisses to Maika, squirt water from my eyes in love-pain, and like a tiny little girl cry myself to my sleeping place.

But for you? Go see “Swiss Army Man” – Harry Potter farting > Jeff Goldblum twitching. Fact.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. What in the F, Great Britain? Now you are like Norway, but without pickled herring. And Norway without pickled herring is just Great Britain. Put that in your pipe and chew on it.

P.P.S. Maika, I forgive you… and will wait for you until Gemma Arterton’s next film. Then Gemma is mine. You have been warned! But I still forgive you.

July 11, 2014July 17, 2014

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes [REVIEW]

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Times are things that make men weep.

Most men.

Not Finns.

We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.

They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.

More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).

But we need no World Cupping.

We Finns can Cup for ourselves.

Sunday I will not be World Cupping.

I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yes.

It is.

See for yourself.

Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?

You bet!

Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.

499 of every 500 people – dead.

Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).

San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.

Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.

In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.

But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.

They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.

They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.

“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.

The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”

Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”

The war is on.

How good is Ape vs. Human war?

I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.

An hour!

Same with my weed.

How the hell is this a possible? But it was.

CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.

This shit is real, friend.

Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.

So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.

See this movie today.

Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).

It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).

“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).

HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:

February 13, 2014May 23, 2014

RoboCop [REVIEW]

RoboCop

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I don’t want to sound like a bitch bitching.

Yet things are forever the same.

Scene: Interior: Hollywood. Oldsters with the graying heads talk.

Oldster One: I have no idea of anything.

Oldster Two: I have to poop.

Oldster Three: Back in the day…

Then, into the room walks a younger oldster – a goddamn MBA.

Goddamn MBA: We don’t for having ideas. I just saw “RoboCop” from year’s long gone last night on IFC. Let’s make it three more times! If I had one original idea it would be my FIRST!!!

End Scene.

So I see the new “RoboCop.”

I fall back in to old ways.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I drink the Kossu. Ice cream bon-bons pressed against my taint. And I wonder – can this not be a suck-fest?

Can this be a mind changing of my mind event? Then there is the movie start.

MGM lion makes “Thrrrrrbbb, thrrrbbb” sound with the lion lips instead of “roar, I will eat your ass” sound.

So I turn to hot Finnish date Aino (her boobs are like rockets). Her look says “you are not too high – the lion just “thrrrrrbbbb”-ed.”

Man, this is movie done right!!!

And, do lions have lips?

Plot? OK.

Then the movie really starts. We have seen this in the before. Cop Murphy (Joel Kinnaman), soon to be Cop – Robo, has hot marriage ruining wife (Reese Witherspoon thanks you, Abbie Cornish).

He is good cop. He must fight cops for who to them good is just bad.

And more profitable.

Then the kaboom.

Enter Dr. Norton (Gary Oldmam) who works for the worst Batman (Michael Keaton) to make a robot cop a human/robot cop that will make liberals squeal and let drones fly our skies and walk our streets.

And he does.

Black Bill O’Reilly (Samuel L. Jackson) lets from his mouth place propaganda squirt. We must have robot cops. Drones are for the making of the friendly sky.

OK. I get it. Today has so many more troubles than 1987 things must be redone.

Or maybe not.

Damn, thinking is harder than not for thinking.

But the remake must be the remade. We have no choice.

For one more time this year I feel that I am watching Brad on the X-Box. (Brad is asshole roommate, but he did replace his eaten PB with the crunchy. Nice first step, Brad. Dick.)

Brad’s RoboCop rides a motorcycle. Well done!

Brad’s RoboCop hunts down bad guys with face mask giving him cheats. Done even better!

When is my turn? I would like to have the game for the playing.

But no. I must watch.

God dammit.

The last half of “RoboCop” is watching the roommate bogart the controller.

Don’t bogart the controller, my friend – pass it over to me!

So, thumbs are confused. Stuff is cool. Stuff is remade, but not better.

Where is Red (“come on, dumbass!”)?

Will there ever be new ideas?

Will the new “300” movie be more guys covered with oil?

This job is hard and then harder.

And with summer movies coming, my face makes a sad.

Summer is coming.

Crap storm.

Who will survive?

See “RoboCop” if you must.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Austria, Finland will crush you. In hockey. In other things, maybe not. Aino (of the buxom wonderness), you can watch the game in my apartment. I promise I will not go psychotic. I cannot promise this for my brother, Olli. He may psychotic and die. Such is being a Finn in Olympics time.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE:

January 24, 2014

I, Frankenstein [REVIEW]

I, Frankenstein

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The cinema is big and of beautiful.

So is life.

But life is realer.

Can it be more real than when Olli, my beloved old brother, had two weeks ago his life mud suddenly stop in his heart, with heart pain, almost become a time for him to party with Jesus?

THAT is realer than real.

Olli lives, but no more bacon and Kossu.

The hearing of this almost made my life mud stop.

No bacon or Kossu is not for a happy living.

It is not life at all.

Like “I, Frankenstein” is not a movie at all.

No.

Too many movie films are just like my Friday nights – I take the sweet, sweet smoke then I slurp the lovely Kossu into my stomach place followed by Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos.

Then I watch my goddamn roommate (Brad, you are not goddamned if you stop eating my peanut butter, OK?) play “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” on the X-box because my hands are too wasted for playing.

When I watch the game “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” I think my eyeballs see “Underworld” or “Underworld VI” or any in between for there are many.

But I am wrong.

And Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale.

And that gives me the sadness.

Plot? Uh, sure.

Frankenstein (Aaron Eckhart again) is still the Frankenstein we remember.

This lasts for a minute.

While digging a grave he finds a demon disco and the demons want his ass. Stoner gargoyles make him saved!

Then gargoyles (with Amanda Otto leader) and demons (with Shaun’s stepfather Bill Nighy) are said to be in epic fight (definitely not vampires and werewolves, that would be unoriginal!) that has lasted through history and longer than the runtime of this shit storm film.

Or so it feels.

Then to the now. Terra (Yvonne Strahovski) is playing with rats – it is Hollywood, am I right?!?

BAM!!!

And the rat playing is in a laboratory above Dead Demons Who Need Souls Disneyland.

And the demons want Frankenstein’s secret for his perfect jaw. The gargoyles don’t think demons should have jaws of perfection.

Epic battles follow. Who wins?

Wait two months and see this on Netflix. Of if it makes the large bags of money cash, see the next 5 Frankenstein films if you have nothing in your life worth doing.

Dear Hollywood: Just because you say demons are not vampires and gargoyles are not lycans and give the same funny face make-up and bad CGI to movies with darkness and creepy electronic music does not make you original.

Sometimes, there needs be something new – called this new thing is in Finland called A STORY.

The story must be for the first time telling. The otherwise, you have nothing but steaming poop.

Steaming poop that we have seen.

Steaming poop that is losing its steam.

And without steam, poop is just a pile of “I, Frankenstein.”

So, two thumbs that don’t want to be around cold poop.

Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale. But then, there is no other Kate Beckinsale to be had – this is truth.

I have watched this video game before.

On my TV.

Played by my roommate Brad.

With better graphics.

And more original story, even when all I do is suck my Cheetos, gargle my Kossu, and breathe the smoke.

Heaven, really, on earth and my apartment. But not in the cinema.

There is nothing there but my butt getting sore.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Dear Olli, if this is for you to read, tell me: Is life really the life without bacon? When your life mud stopped for that time in your muscle heart, did you see Uncle Jaarko? And if so, is he still mad that I owe him money? Tell me the truth, right in to my ear. It can be taken.

P.P.S. “The Returned” is creepy cool – because it is French no doubt. French are creepy cool that way. And red-head French twins (when legal) are hot, Hot, HOT!!! See it, if you are daring.

P.P.P.S. Brad, if on a peanut butter purchase today, get on the crunchy. Creamy is for the weak.

June 28, 2013

White House Down [REVIEW]

White House Down

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Hollywood has hit me in my surprise place.

How is this possible?

I have large Hollywood knowledge – it cannot sneak up on myself.

But it did.

“Olympus Has Fallen Over” was released to us in March. It is June and the remake is already out!

Surprise!!!

A movie film that made $93 million is for to be a new movie costing $150 million in making.

Hollywood is smart.

“White Houses Downer” jumped from Roland Emmerich’s head and onto the screen with a splatter.

Bummer to me? Sure – but at least I didn’t have to review “The Heat” – flaming pain death would be better than that.

Or a kick to the ball sack.

Plot? Sure.

“White Houses Downer” is another “Die Hard” in the White House.

Django (Jamie Foxx) is as President Obama. He is for the quipping and is cool. Mike the Magician (Channing Tatum) is John McClane, with shoes.

There is a kid stuffed with cute. Hans Gruber (Who Cares) is running wild after falling from Nakatomi Plaza. Argyle (Nicolas Wright) has with a promotion now tours for the White House (not a downer, nor falling over) and is somehow whiter.

Maggie Gyllenhall looks more for the weird than ever (impossible! Yet true… would still do her if drunk).

Now (drums roll with excitement) – summer action movie roll-call… BEGIN!

CGI explosions: Here, sir!

CGI buildings falling down: Here, sir!

CGI car chases: Here, sir!

CGI aircraft: Here, sir!

Two dimensional characters: Here, sir!

Interesting thought inducing story:

Oh, shit.

Not here.

Ever.

Damn.

Where have you gone, Steven Seagal? You were never “just the cook.” Your “Die Hard” was better than this “Die Hard.” And on a boat.

And Magic Mike – why? Lucky for you there is more clothes than the last movie where you wear a mere banana hammock.

Terrorists could easily have defeated you in your budgie smugglers.

You have the muscles for wearing the nut huggers, but when defeating bad guys, the packed lunch is not to be out front.

Good job Magic Mike.

So… my thumbs know not what they have to do. I stayed awake. Is that good?

Maybe there is a yes – but the movie had so much loud ka-bang that not even the dead could stay asleep.

My butt did not hurt. But, again, the ka-bang made my seat into magic fingers that caressed my gluteus nicely with love.

I still had yearnings for the sweet, sweet smoke (I’m for the cutting down of it – to many munchies making me Mr. Fat Finn) but not so much that I cried for “White Houses Downer” to end.

See it if you missed “Olympus Has Fallen Over.”

Or have so much time for wasting that your life is a worthless pile. Then see the thing. That is all.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Under the Dome” is the shit. A cow was cut in to two pieces. There was teenager sexing, plane explosions and death. How to be perfection? Acting lessons. And maybe Malin Akerman’s little sister. She is candy in my eye. Make it so, CBS. Now.

May 24, 2013

Fast & Furious 6 [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Fast and Furious 6, Justin Lin, Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Jordana Brewster, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang, Gai Gadot, Ludacris, Luke Evans, Elsa Pataky, Gina Carano, Clara Paget, Kim Kold, Johannes Taslim, Samuel M. Stewart, Benjamin Davies, Matthew Stirling, David Ajala, Thure Lindhardt, Shea Whigham, Andrei Zayats, John Ortiz, Jason Thorpe, Huggy Leaver, Alexander Vegh, Magda Rodriguez, Andy Pointon, Victor Gardener, Estrella Lorenzo, Carolina Pozo, Reveil Beat, Sarah Yan Li, Lee Asquith-Coe, Jin Au-Yeung, Mark Badham, Paul Blackwell, Lee Bolton, Jonathan Brooks, Siong Loong Choong, Leon Corbin, Max William Crane, Lee Craven, Gioacchino Jim Cuffaro, Catherine Delaloye, Rowena Diamond, Amy Forrest, Michael Hagen, Lewis James, Baron Jay, Denis Khoroshko, Stephen Marcus, Alex Martin, Allistair McNab, Rita Ora, Diezel Ramos, Deborah Rosan, Eddie Ruben, Glen Stanway, Jason Stratham, Julian Stone, Bao Tieu, Alexander Dostal, Neal H Moritz, Clayton Townsend, Lucas Vidal, Stephen F Windon, Greg D'Auria, Kelly Matsumoto, Christian Wagner, Lucinda Syson, Jan Roelfs, Guy Bradley, David Cain, Frank Cuomo, Simon Emanuel, Nick Fulton, Tobin Hughes, Barrett J. Leigh, Michael Malone, Jason Pomerantz, Adam Teeuw, Sergey Yahontov, Valentina Borfecchia, Gadi Cimand, Alex Aitken

Fast & Furious 6

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I remember once the confusion of the now.

In my head.

Years in the past, I wandered in the theater.

I saw the sign – “Fast and The Furious 5.”

“A cool new band!” I thought.

How much of the cool could be this singer Fast? Rock star name!

And The Furious Five? Double down the cool.

Then the confusion.

Awesome rock roll band is nowhere – instead very loud, very dumb film called “Fast & Furious 5.”

Oh, how much wishing I was doing for myself that “Fast & Furious 6” would really be the nowhere band of Fast made into real reality with an additional Furious.

No. Another very loud, very dumb film.

Plot?

Really? You care? Okay.

So the last one is in the front of your brain. Remember that… And it is precisely this last scene of the furious hammer action “Fast & Furious 5” linked onto “Fast & Furious 6” and knitting a functional, though not particularly exciting story about it.

In this Hobbs (The Rock – he smells what you’re cookin’!) shows up to Dom (Vin Diesel) and Brian (Paul Walker), who have fled abroad from the grasp of U.S. authorities, and their dream of freedom living abroad, together, in love.

Brian is now father and makes it much more leisurely approach as Dom. After all, one has no more financial worries thanks to the coup in Brazil, but that is for other times.

But Hobbs, the steamroller in the service of crime, both will not lock up unexpectedly. Rather, he needs their help.

He is investigating Owen Shaw (Luke Evans), a mercenary who performs with his crew around the globe spectacular raids and currently the items of a “techno bomb” shit-storm maker that could turn off the communication of a crucial state for hours (they must have been looking at T.V’s “Revolution” – suck breeds suck).

He receives support from all of Letty (Michelle Rodriguez). There is certainly no question that Dom and Brian drum up their old team to put the craft Shaw, Letty to bring back to the family and to earn a pardon for past deeds.

Then…

VROOM!

SCREECH!

CRASH!

KABOOM!

AAARRRRGHHH!!!

AIRPLANE!

TANK!

HOT BUTT!

DOUBLE VROOM!

WHOOSH!

Then finally ZZZZZZZZZZ…

That is me – sleeping. So loud, this film, but noise is easily defeated by the sweet, sweet smoke.

I get it. I’m in the know. These things poop money into giant piles. I understand.

Word of advice to film crafter and makers – take some of the excess treasure and hire a writer of smart words and good ideas. Then very loud, very stupid money maker can be loud, fun money maker and I can be awake and my ears not be bleeding.

Think about this. Please.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “American Idol” is now almost to the death. We want White Guy With Guitar 6. You give us Candice Glover. And Nicki Minaj? The circus has called for it’s clown to come back! Ha! I win, you lose…