Gary Oldman – Behind the Proscenium

July 11, 2014July 17, 2014

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes [REVIEW]

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

With Wit, Reviewed by Kimmo Mustonenen

Times are things that make men weep.

Most men.

Not Finns.

We are not the weeping types for being told “no” to World Cupping.

They let the Swedes (bastards) World Cup.

More than once (but not this time – take that, Swedes).

But we need no World Cupping.

We Finns can Cup for ourselves.

Sunday I will not be World Cupping.

I’ll be drinking kossu, smoking the sweet, sweet smoke and going back to see the greatest movie ever made – “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”

Yes.

It is.

See for yourself.

Plot? Do monkeys poop in their hands?

You bet!

Ten years have come and gone and come. Monkey flu is the worse than a plague, yet plague-like in the killing.

499 of every 500 people – dead.

Real estate is now affordable in San Francisco (plague, please come to Los Angeles, too – I cannot for now afford to live in the Malibu – my dream of dreams – it is filled with fully figured actresses).

San Fran is in the shitter – with no electricity.

Humans Malcolm (Jason Clarke) and his bulge making woman Ellie (Kerri Russell – Kerri, if you ask I’ll send you my digits for that we may date so that I can have a bulge, too, if you know what I mean – I say this to you while winking seductively) are tasked by crazy eyeballed Dreyfus (Gary Oldman) to rebuild super electric hydro damn (Super Electric Hydro Damn will be my 10cc cover band) to bring back property value to the Bay.

In the way are monkeys of many flavors. Chimp monkeys. Orangutan monkeys. Bonobo monkeys.

But not THE Monkees. That would have been the shit, but distracting, so only full body hair monkeys make the cut.

They are ape shit crazy (get it?) but can talk and ride on the horses.

They hunt elk, but are monkeys, so they fight a bear. The bear gets bitch-slapped to the dirt.

“Fuck you, bear” say the apes.

The cool monkey leader, Caesar (Andy Serkis – really in green body suit covered with ping pong balls running around a green screen world – which would be so the awesome when high) says, “OK humans, just mess with the dam, or we will poop in our hands and throw it at you.”

Caesar’s best monkey pal Koba (Toby Kebbell – also in green body suit, etc., etc.) says, “Eff that C, we’re gonna use poop guns to knock you human clowns off the planet, yo!”

The war is on.

How good is Ape vs. Human war?

I forgot to drink my kossu for an hour.

An hour!

Same with my weed.

How the hell is this a possible? But it was.

CGI is better than reality here (I said this – CGI is now not always the suck). Apes were more awesomer than people.

This shit is real, friend.

Believe it now. It will mess with the wet organ that is your brain.

So, two thumbs wishing that I was a poop throwing ape on the big screen.

See this movie today.

Then see it yesterday (but you cannot) and again tomorrow (this is possible).

It will be worth every penny (or $16 if in 3D).

“Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” – best picture of 2014. Book it!

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. “Orphan Black” has blown my mind stem. Clone Tatiana Maslany and bring me four of her. Then I would not need Malibu. My Chatsworth apartment would be heaven, except in Chatsworth. Oh, yes – this I dream. You should dream it, too. Kimmo has spoken (with typing).

HEAR/WATCH KIMMO’S REVIEW HERE:

February 13, 2014May 23, 2014

RoboCop [REVIEW]

RoboCop

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I don’t want to sound like a bitch bitching.

Yet things are forever the same.

Scene: Interior: Hollywood. Oldsters with the graying heads talk.

Oldster One: I have no idea of anything.

Oldster Two: I have to poop.

Oldster Three: Back in the day…

Then, into the room walks a younger oldster – a goddamn MBA.

Goddamn MBA: We don’t for having ideas. I just saw “RoboCop” from year’s long gone last night on IFC. Let’s make it three more times! If I had one original idea it would be my FIRST!!!

End Scene.

So I see the new “RoboCop.”

I fall back in to old ways.

I smoke the sweet, sweet smoke. I drink the Kossu. Ice cream bon-bons pressed against my taint. And I wonder – can this not be a suck-fest?

Can this be a mind changing of my mind event? Then there is the movie start.

MGM lion makes “Thrrrrrbbb, thrrrbbb” sound with the lion lips instead of “roar, I will eat your ass” sound.

So I turn to hot Finnish date Aino (her boobs are like rockets). Her look says “you are not too high – the lion just “thrrrrrbbbb”-ed.”

Man, this is movie done right!!!

And, do lions have lips?

Plot? OK.

Then the movie really starts. We have seen this in the before. Cop Murphy (Joel Kinnaman), soon to be Cop – Robo, has hot marriage ruining wife (Reese Witherspoon thanks you, Abbie Cornish).

He is good cop. He must fight cops for who to them good is just bad.

And more profitable.

Then the kaboom.

Enter Dr. Norton (Gary Oldmam) who works for the worst Batman (Michael Keaton) to make a robot cop a human/robot cop that will make liberals squeal and let drones fly our skies and walk our streets.

And he does.

Black Bill O’Reilly (Samuel L. Jackson) lets from his mouth place propaganda squirt. We must have robot cops. Drones are for the making of the friendly sky.

OK. I get it. Today has so many more troubles than 1987 things must be redone.

Or maybe not.

Damn, thinking is harder than not for thinking.

But the remake must be the remade. We have no choice.

For one more time this year I feel that I am watching Brad on the X-Box. (Brad is asshole roommate, but he did replace his eaten PB with the crunchy. Nice first step, Brad. Dick.)

Brad’s RoboCop rides a motorcycle. Well done!

Brad’s RoboCop hunts down bad guys with face mask giving him cheats. Done even better!

When is my turn? I would like to have the game for the playing.

But no. I must watch.

God dammit.

The last half of “RoboCop” is watching the roommate bogart the controller.

Don’t bogart the controller, my friend – pass it over to me!

So, thumbs are confused. Stuff is cool. Stuff is remade, but not better.

Where is Red (“come on, dumbass!”)?

Will there ever be new ideas?

Will the new “300” movie be more guys covered with oil?

This job is hard and then harder.

And with summer movies coming, my face makes a sad.

Summer is coming.

Crap storm.

Who will survive?

See “RoboCop” if you must.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. Austria, Finland will crush you. In hockey. In other things, maybe not. Aino (of the buxom wonderness), you can watch the game in my apartment. I promise I will not go psychotic. I cannot promise this for my brother, Olli. He may psychotic and die. Such is being a Finn in Olympics time.

HEAR/SEE KIMMO’S REVIEWS EVERY WEEK RIGHT HERE:

August 31, 2012

Lawless [REVIEW]

Lawless

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Warning: This review was fueled by Kossu.

The shots were flowing into my stomach place, the sweet burn up into my brain stem, and then my brain thoughts shot out of the finger ends on the keyboard.

As it should be.

I went to the cinema with a fellow reviewer, Yves.

He is as much a foreign as I, but since he is French he is funny in America.

He would tell me over and again that in France Shia LaBeouf is really Shia “The Beef.”

I would say no, it is really Shia “The Douche.”

Yves laughed, then I laughed like a horse and the lovely Kossu shot straight from my mouth to out of my nostril area.

Pain. Delicious pain.

And I would tongue bathe the now salty Kossu (not good, do not try to shoot it out of the nasal) off of my upper lip and drink again.

Then one more shot. And again. I was wasted!

Plot? Yeah. Attention, be forewarned, “Lawless” is based on real events!

To contextualize the plot, narrator, protagonist of the story, informs you of immediately the rules – or rather the lack of rules – that takes place in Franklin County, Virginia in the early 1930s (wow, in “Lawless” the 30s sucked a giant wiener!).

Bondurant brothers are notorious bootleggers. The stakes are simple in a world without rules where the police are corrupt and justice sold, the three brothers “hold sway.”

Characterized without subtlety – the youngest is puny (“The Beef” is type-cast here – damn, another shot out of my nose) – the players will evolve gradually, as develops an adventure without surprise, to tend to be completely expected (and unsurprising).

Shia LaBeouf is absolutely not convincing in the role of the coward who becomes manly.

Tom Hardy (Bane! With a face to be seen!) and Jason Clarke embody their characters beyond the artificiality induced staging to be almost human.

Then they presents the majestic Jessica Chastain but is allowed to play nothing but a bore.

Why do women in movies like this only appear so that we want them to be naked? That would be great.

Note – Mia Wasikowska is the hotness. There should be more of the naked with her, too. In every movie that I ever have to see again.

God, make it so.

Not surprisingly, the female characters are hopelessly secondary and generate a dynamic of self-pity.

Why, why, why?

In short, John Hillcoat (director of the laugh riot fun fest “The Road”) book a gangster film with a pathetically inadequate story to the point of becoming ridiculous and women are for decoration.

Except for Mia Wasikowska. Decoration maybe, but I love her.

Lots of bang! Blood! Death!

People die for no reason. Characters never change.

Jessica Chastain takes her clothes off.

More bang (not guns)! More blood! More death!

This I learned of American History – in U.S.A.depression everything was brownish and dirty.

Everybody was on his body with a gun. And it was legal to shoot people.

Until Guy Pearce comes around and acts all weird.

Then there is MORE shooting. That is a lot of learning from one movie.

So, my smart thumb droops floor-ward.

My horny thumb thinks, “damn, this was good – put that Mia goddess in everything!” So that thumb strains for the ceiling (hubba hubba).

Should this be allowed to be seen by your eyes?

Do you have $10 to waste? Then go.

If there is anything else you can do with your limited time on Earth, do that instead.

Life is too fucking short.

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S. College football has returned. I now feel like an American from toe to top with my new love of the game! This “tailgating” is my new love thing. Fried meats, booze, dip, chips, booze, etc. If this in Finland was to exist we would all have frozen happily to death outside in the first blizzards of September! Hooray for warm America! And hooray for college football! Except for Alabama – you can suck it.

July 13, 2011July 13, 2011

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 [REVIEW]

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

With “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”, Harry Potter moves into the final battle.

Really the very last.

Sad people everywhere.

For Harry Potter fans, the “Harry Potter” movies are as a kind of Horcruxes – those in which the arch-enemy Voldemort small pieces swapped of his soul and has spread to delay his death (if you say “what?” read the dang books already).

In particular, since the last book appeared in 2007, the disciples of each film have a small piece of the Potter fortune invested, and a director would have to make very many mistakes to screw up the brains of the masses into a revolt which would turn into a hatred of young Harry and his movie. It is a bulletproof film yet still delivers like a train to the heart.

Especially Hermione. Cannot forget her (yowza!).

David Yates, who is responsible for all films since the fifth volume, has done nothing wrong! And that is so right!

The second part of “Deathly Hallows” is a seamless continuation of the first one with Harry, Ron (Rupert Grint), and Hermione (Emma Watson) – with the house-elf Dobby the helpful on the beach – and seems at this beach now, very briefly, the sun (this is complicated business).

Then it is dark again, and Harry is alone again. Naturally.

Again, what could be said from the first part of “Deathly Hallows”: Yates has not illustrated the book, but a mood – a mood of farewell and goodbye.

This is not the romantic, but barren volcanic landscapes, almost surreal in its vastness and desolation, as though Harry Potter’s soul Salvador Dalí carted out and cast in stone.

One would hardly have thought it possible, but “Deathly Hallows 2” is even darker – a more solitary Harry.

The first part staged the “us-versus-the-rest-of-world” friendly celebration of Harry, Ron and Hermione; the second now the “I-need-act-alone” by Potter.

And alone acting is cool.

Daniel Radcliffe plays his last days surrounded by magnificent scenery as a harried warrior who out of sheer guilt (there had been enough to die for Harry Potter – but who wouldn’t?) accept more aid and the fight against the Dark Lord finally wants to put behind him.

Since there is no heroic martyr, Harry, as a reluctant hero rushes into battle, as if he were going through the stations of a sadistic treasure hunt, to destroy Voldemort along with his Horcruxes and find the three “Deathly Hallows”.

These tasks must be ticked off as soon as possible so that Potter, finally (whew!), has his rest.

And if it is the eternal – no matter.

Which does not mean there is no action spectacle awaiting viewers: Some people speculated on the quiet first part that the director had abolished all the effects for the final.

Wrong, buster!

Yates is interested in still more for characters than for dramatic showdowns. The villains implode rather incidentally – the grandeur of Hogwarts castle turns into a refugee camp.

Crazy.

What an ending!

SPOILER ALERT!

The much-criticized epilogue to make us go “19 years later” wasn’t as much suck as you would thought at first glance (again, you perplexed? Read the dang book!).

Daniel Radcliffe and one that was made earlier with the help of ‘digital 19 years later’ and now looks like Marty McFly, but not so much older than 17.

No, we do not want to keep Harry Potter in memory. No, we want a Harry Potter heart.

At least there will be no more “is your Potter Hairy?” jokes. And God is thanked for that!

Two vigorously wagging thumbs.

This the end that really ends things. Take that “Lost”.

Kimmo Mustonenen (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

May 27, 2011May 31, 2011

Kung Fu Panda 2 [REVIEW]

Kung Fu Panda 2

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

As much as the makers love it, just a two track for a successful film to hang on, so suspicious and critical viewers will see the movie, the sequels mostly.

No wonder even particularly that in Kung Fu Panda 2, the same rules as most sequels are, unfortunately: we get the story hardly new to see, but just old wine in new bottles (I like wine!) and other strip has the rather pale imitation.

What?

In animation, the sound then, unfortunately, do not hide the fact.

In 2008 came Kung Fu Panda from Dreamworks Animation forged in the cinema and told the very sympathetic story of a somewhat clumsy panda, which, while not Kung Fu fits so, but it is the chosen one.

We then experienced the development of soup dishwasher without self-awareness towards the greatest Kung Fu fighters that China has ever seen.

This time, the sympathetic Po as the chosen prove herself and sees an evil enemy confronted with, will cut off the Kung Fu. To defeat this enemy, Po far in his past have to go back and create memories that he has been ousted.

Major theme in Kung Fu Panda 2 is the origin of the Po and the fact that it seems otherwise give pandas to none. Despite this fact very appropriate points of contact to the first part of the writers do not make it real, and the creativity of its predecessor to bring back the flair.

Relying too much on the curiosity of the clumsy panda with big belly as a Kung Fu master and missed the chance to further develop the characters.

Overall, the story seems really nice to be heading past the very first part plagiarized.

Po must find itself again and again he has to recognize reality (what?) as it is through the area “fight” and often by luck and the Furious Five (NOT Fast and the Furious Five – different movie!) in general comes through only.

Here one might well expect character development, certain one that everyone involved but fails.

The animation is, as in the first part, great looking and very creative, for example, when it comes to the memories of Po. But landscapes to convince also know the care and variety.

Overall, should Kung Fu Panda 2 put up with criticism that is actually the same story told again in modified form?

During the first part by innovation of a Kung Fu fighting panda was able to score even more so this time it looks rather bleak when the creativity of the story is about.

How can you know otherwise?

If you think about this weakness but can ignore about it and just the only good animated pictures happy, then you may well have his fun.

For children it should be noted that especially in the dialogues of the original version to more severe sentences is that the synchronization could be defused yet again.

Otherwise, the rub is just for families but to recommend it because the children can enjoy the various animals on. And they will.

Kimmo Mustonenen – Behind The Proscenium
Follow @KimmoMustonenen